Doughy

I wish I could fly
For the record, my weight has been largely unchanged for the past couple of months. I lose a half pound; I gain a pound; I lose two pounds; I gain back a pound and a half.

In many ways, I am happy. I am the thinnest I have been in more than ten years. I'm down some 66.5 pounds since my highest weight ever, and I've taken off 32.5 pounds this year.

Unfortunately, I just saw pictures of me from our conference in Copenhagen, and I think I look horrible. To be fair, they were taken on the last day when I overslept and had about 15 minutes to shower, get dressed, do my hair and make up, and leave. So, I might look better if my hair weren't slicked back in a ponytail and still obviously wet. Or if I'd had time to properly do my makeup.

Still, what mostly looks horrible is my figure. My arms look doughy and my stomach looks flabby. I am really, really unattractive in those photos.

But, of course, just because my weight loss has stopped doesn't mean I'm where I want to be. My goal was 40 pounds for this year and then I wanted to see how much more weight I should lose on top of that.

And, so, I'm going to make this a top priority. I am busy the next two nights (I'm going to a trivia night tonight and tomorrow I have a date with Zak--first one in two and a half weeks), but I am free on Thursday and I will go to the gym after work. There is one only a few blocks from here that I'll start with. I checked it out with Fouad two years ago when he was looking for a place to go. All I really need is some variety of bikes, treadmills, elliptical machines, and step machines. I'm sure they have a decent selection.

And then I will shed these last 8 pounds, set a new goal, and be that much happier when I look in the mirror and at photos.

Edit: Ok, that gym seems to have moved. So I'll have to go in person to check out the old location and the new one. It's really important for me to find something that is within walking distance of work or home; otherwise I'll never go--I discovered this twice now with gyms I went to with Caroline and therefore I'm not going to bother finding a gym with her--she lives too far away. Ok, possibly I can pop by these places tonight or tomorrow during lunch.

A bit of it all

Green and Pink floral
I thought Date #4 with Zak was the best yet—very relaxed and comfortable with good conversation. The goodbye was a hug and kiss with my remarking that it was nice to see him and his chiming in that it was nice to see me too and then a “see you soon.” He didn’t contact me at all on Saturday so I texted him around noon on Sunday before I went to the hash.

It took him five hours to respond. He was playing in a golf tournament, so I understand, but I also just keep thinking He’s Just Not That into Me. So we texted back in forth about three times each and I decided that if he wanted another date, it would have to be his initiative.

It is now Thursday. Nothing from him. It’s not weird, really, as he’s so busy but I’m disappointed. I was convinced I would’ve heard from him by yesterday. I’m going out for drinks tonight with Sophia and Caroline at a Couchsurfing event that’s near to his apartment. I’m tempted to invite him along, knowing he’ll turn it down but as an excuse to make contact and prompt him to ask me out. But what’s the point when He’s Just Not That into Me.

Shot off an email on OK Cupid that may lead to a date; the guy has written back but I haven’t read it yet since I won’t access that from work. Also had a mail from a guy in Michigan who seems very similar to me so I’ve responded but, you know, that’s in Michigan.

I was thinking on Monday about my future. I’m going to update my CV and start looking at what’s out there. I really like my job but I have to move on at some point, and I’ve been working here for more than two years now.

I’m going to London from next Wednesday through Saturday to visit Kev. When I get back, I’m going to a Halloween party. I ordered a costume but I don’t know if it’ll arrive in time. If not, I need some sort of backup.

Got an email from David today asking when I’m coming to Brussels. Haven’t answered yet. Haven’t spoken to Chris in a week (wow, go me!). Dan doesn’t want to spend New Year’s with me anymore.

And for the absolute minutiae, I caught up on this season’s Project Runway and am now watching Ugly Betty. My weight is pretty much unchanging. This week, I’ve been having rather large lunches and then skipping dinner. I will probably skip dinner tonight too but will have some beers. Still haven’t looked for a gym. Soon.

Very Big Sigh

Cavy Cuisine
I felt really good yesterday. I got 12 hours of sleep the night before, and when I talked to Kev during the day, I told him that I wasn’t tired, stressed, sick, or sad about some man. I felt the way, I imagine, I should feel.

And then I totally fucking spoiled it by looking at the Facebook profile of Chris’ best friend on which he posted a photo of Chris at a pub, sitting next to a pretty woman. Said pretty woman could be the interest of Chris’ best friend or, judging by her expression, she may not even be having a very good time. But it really really hurt my heart to see that. I took Chris’ best friend off my Facebook friends list. He and Chris have been going out a lot lately and he posts mobile pictures from his iPhone so if I really want to suffer, I can watch them enjoying themselves in real time.

Also, Chris uninvited me for the weekend. Which is good because I wouldn’t have gone—I can’t see him and I have a date tonight. But I wondered if I was uninvited because he has a date with this pretty woman. Chris has invited me to visit him NEXT weekend. I will be in the UK.

I am going to make the biggest effort yet to not speak to him again. It has been two months since he dumped me and I haven’t shed tears over him in a couple of weeks, I think. I no longer entertain ideas of us getting back together. At the moment, I want him to think I’m amazing and regret dumping me. And I think he does, on some level. But it’ll never be everything I want it to be and I really need to let it go.

I thought I was far beyond the kind of hurt that photo made me feel. I’m feeling better today. I just need to make sure that I don’t have a lot of alone time where I get tempted to text him (which I haven’t done in quite a while, actually) or get on Skype to chat with him. Tonight I will see Zak, and tomorrow I hope to go out with friends. Also, I should look for a Halloween costume because I was invited to a party that I’d really like to attend. Also, the hash is Sunday. And possibly next week I can start looking for a gym. I was down almost half a pound this morning, but I’ll wait until next week to record it.

At the moment, though, I want to feel normal for more than a day. Maybe better than normal. Tonight I am hoping to wrap a blanket around me and Zak, watch a movie, and enjoy the company of someone who has been nothing but kind. I’m sure, though, it’s too early for that kind of coziness, so maybe a dinner and drinks is better. Sigh.

Back from Denmark

Cavy Cuisine
Copenhagen was great, but I am so glad that it’s over. I was running on about four hours of sleep a night for a few days combined with lots of drinking and nonstop socializing. Plus I was sick, so it has taken my body a couple of days to recover.

I’m also sort of sick of talking and thinking about it, to be honest. I have some fantastic stories that I hope to share at some point, but not yet, not now. Such is the case when interesting things happen: it’s just too much for me to recount them until some time passes.

If you are curious, there was a huge announcement made at our dinner on Saturday night in Copenhagen’s town hall. I posted it on my Facebook and you could surely find it if you searched. We’ve had some great news coverage around the world, but I suppose that’s what happens when you gather 300 newspaper editors and writers together for a weekend: they tend to write about you.

It’s snowing in Prague. I’m going to go looking for a new winter coat today after work. I don’t want to do any clothes shopping for a while, but I will make an exception for this because I need it. What I’m wearing today is hanging off of me and looks terrible. I would like to look a bit more put together for my date tomorrow.

That would be date #4 with Zak. We texted a couple of times while I was in Copenhagen. On Tuesday, I texted to ask when I could see him again, and he suggested Friday. I still wish he would be more enthusiastic about me, but he seems to be a nice guy who treats me well and who I find attractive, so I see no reason to abandon it. Also, he’s not taking up all of my free time, and that’s probably best.

Chris wants me to visit him in Vienna this weekend so that he has me on his arm at his best friend’s birthday party. Obviously, I am not going. I am pretty much moving on now, and I don’t think he has moved on at all. He still envisions himself with me. I feel sorry for him, on some level, but he brought it on himself; it’s not as if I dumped him.

He had his meeting at work on Tuesday to determine if he still has a job. He does. He texted me as soon as the meeting ended (I know this because I asked). Yes, I was the first person he told. That says something about my place in his life.

I received the following message from David on Sunday afternoon:

Hello Dear,

I will finally be in Prague tomorrow evening!!! I know last minute planning.. :( but unable to do otherwise, too much work (and, ok, partying as well :) )
Will you be able to host me just for the night!
I am here until tuesday afternoon, I go back to Brussels then. I am only picking up my stuff left in radcanska!

See you soon!!


I didn’t answer this, because I was in Copenhagen and knew he knew that I was in Copenhagen and that he might put 2 and 2 together that I was unavailable. Instead, I heard nothing until I had a missed call around 8:45 on Monday night. Basically, he flew into Brussels, tried to call me (my phone was off), texted me if I was in Prague, and then I finally responded to his Facebook message to say that I was still in Copenhagen and so sorry to have missed him.

He responded that he ended up staying in a hostel and wants to know when I will travel to Brussels to see him. He gave me exact dates with his availability, but the window is so small that I shouldn’t have a problem saying no.

Finally, let me briefly comment on my weight. All of the ordering in at the office and all of the fancy dinners in Copenhagen led to a weight gain of a couple of pounds over the last two weeks. But this morning, I was back down to where I was before: 32.5 pounds lost this year and 66.5 lost total. And now I’m poised to lose even more. I’ll try to find a gym in the coming weeks. I’m feeling fine.

Before I Go

Green and Pink floral
I feel much better today. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon, and then I got a good night’s sleep.

Also, Zak texted me. He asked how the last-minute conference organizing is going, and he updated me on his trip to Slovakia, which is where he is now and where he’ll be until Friday He had already told me this, and that, along with my trip to Copenhagen, made it obvious that we would not meet again for a while.

But I guess he’s still interested in me. The question now is whether I’m interested in someone who is so busy. But I needn’t worry about that now.

I talked to Chris last night. He was down in the dumps, because he’s in trouble at work. I think he must’ve been really dickish to someone in an effort to get “more power” and that person formally complained. Now Chris might be facing disciplinary action; he’ll know in a week, which suggests it’s serious, because there must be a meeting scheduled about it. I have no idea, really, what he did, but I have trouble imagining his getting fired over one instance. Especially when said instance happened at least a week ago, meaning it wasn’t such a big deal that it needed to be handled immediately.

Anyway, he said some things that I found irritating—his usual pickup/seduction crap—but he was open and sad enough that he revealed that he’s not been on a date since we broke up nor has he slept with anyone. He’s having trouble staying in a “set,” which basically means that he’s approaching women and being quickly shot down. He blames his weight gain (although, honestly, I’ve looked at the photos of us from when we first met and he was not that much thinner) and his losing his game. He hopes to get laid by the end of the year.

He seemed really pathetic. It’s this or his cocky bullshit. He used to be so fun. He’s destroying himself.

And he’s started drinking again. He made it a couple of months; at least that’s something. But he’s an alcoholic who needs help, and that is not for me to deal with. I tried to help him, and we all see where that got me.

Not! My! Problem!

Tonight I run my very last errands and then pack my bag for Copenhagen, because I’m going to try to leave my apartment by 5:30 am. I wish I were already back.

Needs

Taped Up Pig
I cried this morning while getting ready for work and nearly cried last night while I was chatting with Kev on MSN. Just remarkably unhappy. I’m not sure I should go to London to see him in a few weeks, as planned. Our friendship is possibly not healthy, but it’s hard for me to imagine giving it up: he’s a nice guy, he listens to me, he makes me laugh, but I still have a crush on him and nothing will ever come of that.

Plus, he brought up yesterday for at least the third time since I’ve known him that he thinks I should be more outgoing. Which feels a lot like having someone who is nearly perfect telling me why I'm not. It does not feel good.

Also, he has offered to find me a decent man to date, which is sweet, but hurts a bit, because I want him. Of course, he’s not available. So talking to him yesterday was not unlike being punched in the stomach repeatedly. Or having something I want dangled in front of me while I am chastised and told that I cannot have that thing I want and why I am undeserving of it.

I have a feeling I will not see Zak again. For some reason, I started thinking about this Lithuanian guy I had a single date with back in the summer of 2008 and how I texted with said Lithuanian guy multiple times after that date. And every time, the conversation was initiated by me. Every time, he texted back several responses and was witty and charming and friendly. But after about the third time of texting him, I finally understood that I would not be seeing him again and that he was just not that into me. It isn’t quite the same with Zak because he initiated text messages after dates 1 and 2. But he hasn't initiated any contact since date 3. It seems evident that if I do not write to him again, he will not make any effort to contact me. If I write to him, he’ll respond because he is polite. I may even get a 4th date out of it, but that doesn’t mean he’s into me—just polite.

And so, as I think I’ve stated before, I’ve made it clear to him that I am interested and texted him after date 3. The ball is in his court.

I talked to Caroline about some of these things—specifically my crush on Kev and my desire to have a boyfriend. She implied that I shouldn’t date but it sounded different than the advice I’ve received on here—not that I should take some Kate time but that I should just be happy to be single and hang out with friends. As though I shouldn’t bother with it anymore. It pissed me off, actually, coming from someone with a live-in boyfriend. I want to feel loved.

Then again, last night, after talking to Kev and then talking to my high school friend Lacey who seems to have just been dumped rather cruelly by her boyfriend of one year, maybe it isn’t worth it. I don’t ever want to feel again like she’s feeling right now nor do I want to feel like Kev is making me feel. I wish I weren’t so needy.

A Few Items

I wish I could fly
I haven’t posted about my diet or weight loss in a while, but that’s because there has been nothing to report. I’ve only lost half a pound in something like five weeks. Not good in the slightest, but my diet fell in priority. After I get back from Copenhagen in a week, it will rise again.

I actually had a pretty amazing experience in a dressing room yesterday. I grabbed the wrong size dress to try on and then spent a good five minutes trying to find the zipper on it because I was surprised that it felt tight when I was putting it on. But I got the thing on and, though it was snug, I thought it looked pretty good. I considered buying it, and then I looked at the tag and saw that it was three sizes smaller than what I have been wearing lately. That’s a size I don’t ever remember wearing, not even when I was 12 years old. I felt pretty great.

Of course, it was made to be a bit loose-fitting so it was not unlike squeezing into an XS poncho and saying, “Wow, I’m an extra small now!” I ended up buying the dress one size smaller than I normally wear instead of three.

I made a doctor’s appointment for Wednesday morning. I just need antibiotics as I’m 95% certain that I know what I have but I can’t just pick them up so I have to waste my time, the doctor’s time, and plenty of money to get a prescription. Annoying as hell.

I’ve been thinking about Zak but I’ll have to write about that later. I want to leave the office before it gets any later.

David's Latest Proposition

Bad apple
David wrote to me yesterday on Facebook, and I was shocked to hear from him and shocked by his offer. I'm pasting the exchange, but I think I need to get out of it. He's just going to add more stress to an already stressful situation. Can you imagine if he had some big wine thing and I tried to cut in on it?

David wrote, on October 2 at 11:22am
Hey Kate,

Sorry for the long delay, still staying at a friend's place, and work work work!

I will tell you more later, but Brussels is fun.

How are you?

D.

Kate wrote, October 2 at 2:04pm:
Hi, David.

I'm glad you're enjoying Brussels. Things have been good here, but quite busy. I'll be in Copenhagen in one week for our conference and, when that's over, my life should go back to normal. I can't wait. :)

After that, I'll try to plan a couple of trips for the fall and I'm going back to the US for a couple of weeks at Christmas. I'll be in Brussels in December, which I think I mentioned to you before. I wonder... :)

David wrote, on October 2 at 2:19pm:
Hey Kate,

I don't think you have mentioned it, but great!
Will you visit someone in particular, or just the town?

Let me know how copenhagen is. What days are you going there? I could visit while you are there maybe, what do you think?

Kate wrote, on October 2 at 4:30pm:
Oh no, I just wrote you a whole explanation of my trip to Brussels and then I lost it when my computer restarted while I was away from my desk. Grr!

So, nutshell version: there's a Christmas shindig that I'm going for--a little cocktail party that should be a lot of fun, and perhaps you'll get to see me all dressed up! :)

As for Copenhagen, I'll be there from the 8th through the 12th. It'd be fantastic if you could pop over, although I'm on a minute schedule so I don't know what that would allow for...:-\

David wrote, on October 2 at 4:54pm:
Ok, let's see if we can work it out.

;)
Kate wrote, on October 2 at 5:19pm:
Absolutely. It's not a big deal for you to travel there?

David wrote, on October 2 at 5:50pm:
We'll see, I'll try to work it out. I will let you know in the next few days ;)

Will you be staying at some friends place, or in a hotel?

Kate wrote, on October 2 at 6:13pm:
I'm staying at the[Name of Hotel]; it's a business trip so my company is handling my accommodations.

If you can't come, there's always Brussels, though. Maybe I'll even be there before December if you have a couch to surf. :)

David wrote, on October 2 at 6:33pm:
I will always have a couch to surf for you!

I move in my own studio on monday, for 6 weeks, if you want to come soon. Very small studio though..

Do you think it would be weird if i stayed one night with you (or 2) at the [Name of Hotel]? If we hide like proper lovers..


I should have told him no from the outset, shouldn't I? That's what I was getting at with the minute schedule but, on some level, I would like to see him and am flattered by the effort he'll go to to see me. I also have trouble telling him no.

I didn't actually paste the whole exchange because he has since written, offering to come on Sunday and stay until Tuesday or Wednesday, if I can extend my time. I wrote back that I could see about changing my flight back and taking some additional holiday time but I don't think I want to stay at such an expensive hotel then. And, also, I know perfectly well that this is a bad idea, unless I can enjoy his company without getting emotionally involved. (Also, why do this after Zak seemed to go to the effort of telling me that he's, at least, not messing around with his ex? He seemed to be implying something exclusive, which is what I want, but do I want it with Zak, i.e., someone who doesn't seem to have much time for me? Regardless, why am I screwing around with the past?)

Anyway, I don't have time to analyze this at the moment because I should be checking over a PDF for work. And I need to leave for Caroline's birthday party in a couple of hours.

Zed

Green and Pink floral
In five days, I'll be in Copenhagen. In nine days, I'll be on my way back and it'll be over. I cannot wait for it to be over. I still have a few more items that I need to purchase before I go, including dress shoes, possibly a coat, stockings, and maybe one or two new tops. And a dress. I may go out in a couple of hours to look for some of these things, although I should really be tied to my computer because I promised to help with some last minute arrangements. Of course, our email server is down. What to do?

I had my third date with Zak the American last night. We went out to dinner, so that ends my brief suspicion that he is like David and embarrassed to be seen with me. Three dates down and I still really like him, although I'm not used to things moving so slowly. He's too busy to see me more than once a week or once every 10 days (probably won't see him again for two weeks because he'll be in Slovakia this week and then I'm in Denmark), and it occurred to me that my entire relationship with Kosta would fit into the time period that I've known Zak. In that time, I thought I knew Kosta quite well, because we were seeing each other about five times a week.

I admit that's excessive. But it wasn't just one-on-one. He joined me on the hash; he came out with my friends; I met his best friend for drinks. And we'd meet after work for dinner a couple of nights a week. Zak doesn't have that much free time. And, so, while I was able to feel rather close to Kosta (and he fell in love with me) in about a month, I've barely established familiarity and comfort with Zak.

Last night, we didn't end up going for dinner until 9:15. This was perfect for me because I was in the office until 7:30, but that's only because of Copenhagen. I will be less busy soon, but Zak will not. And when I left his apartment this morning (shhh, don't judge me), I asked him if he could ever have a lazy day, i.e., a day of sitting on the sofa cuddling and watching movies. He has to wait until his classes end for the semester, so he could maybe schedule a lazy day in his Blackberry for December. And he still has another year of classes.

I guess that just because he is almost 40 doesn't mean he's at a place in his life where he can have a serious relationship. Age really is just a number.

Anyway, two interesting, relationship things came out in the conversation last night. First, he told me about some Czech woman that he dated back in January and how they're still good friends. He said they traveled to Norway and Sweden together in August. It made me feel a teensy bit jealous but, without prompting, he said, "But we didn't do anything together." And then clarified that there was no sex; they're just friends. He didn't need to tell me this but I am glad that he did. He wants me to know that there's no one else (of course, with his schedule, I'm not too surprised).

The second thing may have concerned this same Czech woman or possibly someone else, but he was talking about how he dated a woman with a five-year-old child but he really wasn't interested because of the kid. Which is when he made it clear to me that my being divorced is not a similar kind of deal breaker. Again, it was something he didn't need to say but I thought he was making his interest known. And I liked it.

As far as I'm concerned, there will be a date #4. I still don't really know where all of this is leading, but I'm on board. Although, let's see what happens in the next two weeks; so much can change...

Leon and Everything Else

Cavy Cuisine
As most of you already know, Leon’s mom died last Wednesday. I don’t feel entitled to mourn her, as Leon and his family aren’t in my life anymore. It’s definitely a weird feeling, but it will pass. It was just a few minutes ago, really, when reading Leon’s latest LJ entry that I realized that I really have no business concerning myself with it and so I will try not to.

I have nine days to find a cocktail dress for the upcoming conference. I have a couple of possibly suitable dresses at home but one is scandalously short and the other shows a scandalous amount of cleavage. I will go shopping tonight for the third time and if I don’t find anything I will try to FedEx something from the US or the UK. I really am running out of options here.

I had my second date with the American on Friday. His name is Zak, and I quite like him. He seemed a lot more relaxed and easygoing than on the first date and he’s been a perfect gentleman the whole time. I still haven’t had to pay for anything, and I like the way he wraps his arms around me. He makes me feel warm and secure.

He was very busy the rest of the weekend but texted me Saturday evening to see how I was. I texted him yesterday, and he let me know he’s free this coming weekend, when we plan to have date #3.

I am slightly concerned, though, that he could be a bit like David—well-off, established, educated, extremely busy, and possibly only looking for someone to keep his bed warm. I am basing this last judgment solely on the fact that he changed our second date plans from drinks out to drinks at his place. I hope he is not embarrassed to be seen with me. We’ll see if he takes me out this weekend (I also invited him to come out with my friends, and he said that he plans to get a lot done this week so he has more free time during the weekend, so perhaps I’ll see more of him than a single evening). Whatever. I don’t want to put too much thought into it.

Kev is back in Belgium after 3.5 weeks in the US and thank Christ for that. I missed him. He missed me too. After about two weeks apart, he wrote to me that he missed me a bit and he seemed surprised by it, if you can show surprise in a chat window. By the third week, he missed me a lot. I am definitely looking forward to visit him next month. He and I will get liquored up in London for Halloween, I think. I really enjoy his company.

Anyway, the rest of my weekend. I went to a mojito bar on Saturday and then out clubbing. I was out until about 5.30 in the morning and still up by 8 to take a day trip to Karlstejn for their burcak festival. Photos taken by my friend Petr can be found here.

But these are a couple favorites:



Me with Caroline.



Caroline, me, Petra.



Me, Caroline, Petra, and Jirka.



And again.

Also, I have twice hung out with this guy named Aaron who is from Washington DC and has a girlfriend in Slovakia. Purely as friends (he contacted me on Facebook well over a year ago when he was first in Prague but we never met up before). So he’s back in Prague and has been here since Wednesday. He’s contacted me every day to hang out. He only has one other friend, no job, and no place to live. His passport was stolen. I went with him to a concert on Wednesday and then invited him out to the mojito bar on Saturday. He annoyed the shit out of one of the other people there and she called him an imbecile after he left. He’s just so socially awkward. I have a soft spot for that but I also can’t quite stand him and want to shake him. It’s weird, though, to think that I’d give up a friend that seems always available but, right now, I feel more like his mother. Anyway, that’s enough of an update for now. Back to work.

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