I adore my niece and nephew. They are sweet, loving, and beautiful kids.

...But being around them for the past few days really makes me question my desire to have children. I really don't know if I have the patience or the energy to be a good mom.

It doesn't help, I suppose, that they are, perhaps, at the most unruly ages: 2 and 3. Or that Mattie's teacher at daycare said yesterday that she should be tested for ADD. And both she and Harrison are potty training (and not as successfully as one might wish).

Also, the temperature here has been dancing around 100 degrees. And my parents' cocker spaniel has been a handful in his own right. Last night, he knocked a chocolate milkshake off of the kitchen table, spilling it on the rug, the curtains, and the wall. He slurped up what he could and then vomited it out.

He also found the plastic bag containing one of the the kids' shit-filled underpants that had been sent home from daycare. He tried to eat them. Naturally.

I used to daydream about such a similar setup--a couple of kids and a cocker spaniel. And now? I know I'm still not ready. Good God, I'm not ready.

They're still pretty damn cute, though.





(In case you're wondering, Mattie cut her own hair, so it's growing back out again. Good Lord.)

Wow. I just realized that it's been forever and a day since I wrote an entry. Not a good reason why--just haven't felt the need to be on the computer all that much. Plus, I've been getting massive amounts of sleep in the past few days. I think I got close to 14 hours of sleep last night. I can't really explain it, but there you go.

In those 14 hours, I had a dream that I had a baby--not a giving birth dream but a motherly dream. My child was so small and cute. And it made me realize that I really want to have a baby. Which is really dumb. I feel like those teeny boppers that go on the Ricki Lake show saying, "I want to have a baby!" and the audience attacks them saying, "No, you just need to play with your dolls!"

I'm twenty. I'm too young and too irresponsible to have a child right now. Not to mention, I'm very financially unstable, considering that I'm just a lowly student right now. No, I can't realistically wish for a child right now. But I kind of am.

Of course, maybe I'm just preparing myself for the possibility. My period is nearly a month late. Two pregnancy tests tell me that my math must surely be wrong--I couldn't POSSIBLY be a month late--I'm not pregnant. And yet there's no period. I'm very confused.

And disappointed. According to Leon's Life Plan (tm), there will be no children in my future for another six years, minimum. Oy.