So Chris’ ultimatum: Either he comes here this weekend or we never speak again. But the American guy I had a date with last week offered up this coming Friday or Saturday for our second date. Sophia is having a party on Saturday, so I agreed to a date on Friday. Weekend full now, so no room for Chris. It’s over. I persevered. Or something.
Actually I tried to talk to Chris a bit on Sunday. I was hungover and about to head out to the store, but I asked him for five minutes. He said, “NO,” and that he didn’t want to talk to me because he was busy, and I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t give me five minutes. He said we could talk in a few days. I said that if he couldn’t give me five minutes, there was no sense in his coming for the weekend. Bitchy? Yes, especially because I knew at that point that I didn’t want him to come anyway. But he certainly got me back for it with the end of our conversation:
[16:29:20] Chris: why can't you accept that i simply don't want to talk NOW???
[16:32:17] Kate: i have
[16:32:25] Kate: it's ok
[16:32:26] Chris: i said NOW
[16:32:32] Chris: i just don't want to talk NOW
[16:32:38] Kate: it's ok
[16:32:40] Chris: why is that so hard to understand?
[16:32:43] Kate: i understand
[16:32:52] Chris: and why do you always have to escalate?
[16:33:15] Chris: can't you simply shut the fuck up and keep your drama to yourself?
I said nothing after that. He sent me two apologetic text messages later but I didn’t answer either. He’s blocked on Skype again, and it’s only a few days until the weekend and then, if he sticks to his ultimatum, he won’t talk to me again.
That Czech guy that I had the unimpressive date with a while back texted me, in Czech: “You are a pretty girl, I want you.” Today, he sent me a long message on Facebook, in Czech, about how he will only communicate with me in Czech from now on because, isn’t it sad that I’ve been here so long and I don’t speak Czech? He’s offended by it.
It seems to me like he’s just trying to make up for the fact that his English is horrible, and there’s nothing wrong with that but I’m not going to date him. I took him off my friends list. I don’t have time for that shit.
Other things: I spent most of the weekend with friends—out to dinner with Sophia, Lindsey, Jan and a few new folks on Friday, and I met Caroline and Pavlina before and after that at the unfermented wine festival. I was again at the unfermented wine festival on Saturday. One of my friends wouldn’t let me put up photos of her on Facebook because she was so embarrassingly drunk, but so was everyone (except me). Seriously, at least three of them fell over drunk. Another wandered off and couldn’t be contacted or found. One left in tears after a big fight with her boyfriend.
…Basically, a great night!
Photos from before things turned sour are here.
I’ve been using this Alpine Tide, but maybe I should look more closely at the label in the event that it has bleach in it. But, still, would that cause bleeding? Caroline used to swear by Cheer to prevent fading, but they don’t sell that here. I just read that a cup of vinegar could help; maybe I’ll try that.
I know, writing about laundry is extremely boring, but I would feel better about myself if I didn’t feel like I were wearing a sheet today. And clothes here can be quite expensive, so it sucks to buy something new and then lose it on the first wash.
This weekend, I’m going to try to go through all my clothes and separate out everything that doesn’t fit or otherwise looks like shit on my body. I’ll just put them up in my loft for now; possibly I can bring them home for a garage sale if I’m Stateside at Christmas. Also this weekend, I’ll try to find a couple of inexpensive, cute tops. This is still a good time to catch the end-of-summer sales, even if I’ll only get a few more weeks of wear out of those things.
I hate looking like a bag lady.
Last night, I chatted with this really nice British guy who I exchanged a few messages on OK Cupid with. He lives near Vienna. Don’t even tell me that this was a bad idea; I know it. The problem was that I was just so bored and lonely last night. I talked to Dan earlier in the day about how part of my addiction to dating is driven by loneliness and boredom and a need to “pass the time.” He’s in the same boat. I need to fix this, and I am aware. Some partial fixes include going to yoga and pilates with Caroline. She just started going again this week, so I could join her next week.
Also, my new friend Lindsey is looking for a salsa dancing class to start taking together. She went salsa dancing (or salsa watching, really) a week ago and invited me but I was too chicken to join. Classes, though, would make a big difference.
Anyway, I think my mention of hashing to this nice British guy prompted him to ask me about Improv Everywhere, and apparently they’re staging an event next Saturday. In Vienna. I would really like to go.
Pros: Meeting new people; fun, exciting event; trying something new; a great first date experience. Cons: Would pretty much be a date; expensive and long travel and I’d need to be back early on Sunday because Caroline is setting the hash trail; expensive to get a hotel or hostel; alternative to hotel or hostel is staying with this guy and that sounds disastrous; do not want to start new long-distance relationship (especially with someone who doesn’t even live in Vienna, so the travel is even more inconvenient than it was with Chris); do not want to get guy’s hopes up; am still working on cultivating new group of friends in Prague and would hate to be away from potential gatherings.
I contacted Chris on Skype last night. Don’t even bother telling me how stupid this was. He wrote back and asked if we could talk in about 40 minutes. I knew exactly what this meant—he was playing World of Warcraft. I even logged in to verify this. He was. When he got back to me 40 minutes later, I asked him if he wanted back his clothes that he had left at my apartment. He said that he had been thinking about this; I said I’d take that as a yes, and he said I should take that as he had been thinking about it. Which means he was in some kind of word game mode. I ignored it and described the clothes—one item is a pullover that I never saw him wear but must be his because I can’t think of anyone else it could belong to.
He then said something about how everything between us seemed resolved but he wasn’t sure what path “it” would take. I’m putting “it” in quotation marks because this led to another word game, where I told him that I thought he’d already chosen his path and then realized he was referring to “it” and not him, and then he made me explain how these were different things.
No, really, talking to him is not the most annoying thing in the world; why do you ask?
The thing is, though, that I was actually in the right mood to talk to him. Lonely and bored, sure, but friendly and upbeat. Which means that when he took the conversation in a braggart direction, I could respond in the way that he always wanted from me: congratulating him, encouraging him, telling him how cool and awesome he is. The only time I disagreed with him was when he said something about how he has to work three times harder than anyone else because nothing is handed to him, and I said something about how some people just make it look easy but that doesn’t mean they aren’t working hard. He conceded that this could be true. Guess I can slip in something like that every now and again if 95% of what comes out of my mouth is otherwise absurdly, airheadedly (I’m making that a word) complimentary.
After anywhere from 30-60 minutes of sporadic conversation, I told him that I’d likely be in Vienna the following weekend and that I could either give him back his clothes or give them to one of his friends. This really infuriated him, and I tried to see it from his point of view. On the one hand, Prague feels like my turf, so I don’t like the idea of his coming here, especially if it weren’t to meet me. But I thought it would be far more hurtful for him to find out that I was in Vienna (as evidenced by the clothing drop off) and I didn’t tell him beforehand.
He said it was suspicious of me to go there and wasn’t it convenient that I’d found something I wanted to do in Vienna so quickly after we split? I said it was a one time event. He said he’d like to go to Munich next weekend and he started telling me about this amazing club there that is perfect for meeting women. I didn’t let that get to me and said the club sounded great and I’d love to go some time, asking him for the name and then looking it up online and saying it looked amazing. He said something about how it’s also great that it’s mostly upper middle class that goes there because it’s expensive and that keeps the scum out. I didn’t say anything.
Finally he said that he would think about it but that maybe he’d like to see me next weekend. There was just a part of him that was telling him not to go there again. Eventually the conversation ended when he was talking about his stupid pickup stuff and I was trying to stay so detached from it that I started responding with obnoxious phrases like “I feel that” and “I’m down with that,” which he didn’t understand. His English slang is great, so I found it hard to believe, but he signed off in a huff, saying he didn’t like to speak in riddles.
I sent him an email after to apologize for upsetting him, both with my slang (hmm) and for telling him I’d be in Vienna. I said it wasn’t necessary for us to meet and probably not even a good idea—that I want him to have his belongings back but that’s possible without us meeting. And, also, while it might be nice to see each other again one day, it’s not time for that yet. He hasn’t answered but I’m not surprised; he won’t.
I felt better about the situation after talking to him. There was a bit of schadenfreude, really, which is terrible of me to admit but true. I can tell he’s broken under that veneer, and, even though I love him and want him to be happy, I still want to see him punished somehow for what he did to me. I know I shouldn’t be reaching out to him. In part, he doesn’t deserve it. In part, it’s a waste of my time and emotions. In part, it sets me back in my progress.
Or possibly it isn’t all bad to talk to him, if I can remain strong and not argue: I see who he is now and that is not the man I loved. I see how vile the person he aspires to be is. It infuriates me and hurts me, but it also fuels me to want something more and better than what he could give me and what he now is. I’m probably not going to find that for a while, but pilates, salsa dancing, and possibly even an Improv Everywhere meeting shouldn’t impede the process.
[20:32:54] Chris : you wanted to tell me something :)
[20:33:03] Chris : i'm here now and neither busy nor absent
[20:47:35] Chris : so do you want to tell me today whats on your mind
[21:05:32] Kate : it seems less vital than it did yesterday morning
[21:05:47] Chris : ok
[21:05:54] Chris : your decision
[21:06:00] Chris : if you have to say something, i will be here tonight
[21:06:05] Chris : weekend i won't
[21:06:13] Chris : lots of things going on again in my life
[21:06:56] Kate : ok
[21:07:21] Kate : anything you want to share?
[21:07:34] Chris : hm let me think
[21:07:49] Chris : not really at the moment
[21:07:55] Chris : i'm rebuilding my personality thats all
[21:08:00] Kate : okie dokie
[21:08:19] Chris : i will be mean and tough again soon
[21:08:37] Chris : the way nature wanted me to be
[21:09:02] Kate : well good
[21:09:07] Kate : i plan to only be sweet
[21:09:31] Chris : you are kate
[21:10:39] Chris : i have come up with a plan for myself
[21:15:38] Kate : groovy
[21:15:42] Kate : my only plan at the moment is to enjoy myself
[21:15:49] Chris : true, true
[21:15:50] Chris : a good plan
[21:15:59] Kate : and i'm planning a couple of trips
[21:16:05] Chris : i thought so
[21:16:11] Kate : :)
[21:16:20] Kate : you know me well
[21:16:44] Kate : i want to see my hasher friend before he goes to the us for 3 weeks
[21:16:53] Chris : i have to know you
[21:17:06] Kate : so that is the first scheduled trip
[21:17:13] Kate : i just need to get the days approved at work
[21:17:39] Chris : i will meet old friends tomorrow
[21:18:17] Kate : i bet you are
[21:18:33] Kate : oh well
[21:18:35] Kate : i honestly tried
[21:18:41] Chris : tried what?
[21:18:50] Chris : to get the days?
[21:18:59] Kate : no
[21:19:05] Kate : not that
[21:19:09] Chris : what then?
[21:19:35] Kate : we just go back to what we were before as if nothing happened
[21:19:38] Kate : enjoy
[21:19:41] Kate : talk to you later
[21:19:48] Chris : yeah, you too :)
[21:21:56] Kate : hahahaha [this is where i really get angry because he's playing stupid]
[21:22:23] Kate : if you did pick up for a year to find a girlfriend like me, doesn't it make you wonder what you're doing it for this time?
[21:22:49] Chris : i know what i'm doing it for
[21:23:05] Kate : what?
[21:23:21] Chris : for me
[21:23:30] Chris : to become the man i wanted to be for my whole life
[21:23:38] Kate : you are never going to be him
[21:23:45] Kate : why can't you accept who you are and love him?
[21:23:48] Kate : i loved him
[21:23:53] Kate : he is a good man
[21:23:59] Chris : yes thats the problem
[21:24:03] Chris : a nice and cozy alpha man
[21:24:06] Chris : beta man
[21:24:06] Chris : sorry
[21:24:13] Kate : who the fuck cares?
[21:24:16] Chris : i care
[21:24:19] Kate : you are pathetic
[21:24:25] Chris : do you know the cornflake girl metaphor?
[21:24:29] Kate : and as you get older, you'll be laughable
[21:24:37] Kate : you already are, frankly
[21:25:02] Kate : i wanted so badly for you to open your eyes
[21:25:11] Kate : and accept the love i offered
[21:25:13] Chris : i have to grow more
[21:25:19] Chris : and i hate what i have become
[21:25:21] Kate : to have adventures with me
[21:25:26] Kate : to travel with me
[21:25:38] Kate : but for you, adventures = fucking women and bragging about it on the internet
[21:25:47] Kate : because that makes you feel like a real man
[21:28:02] Kate : i wanted us to [snipped for SOME privacy], go to the opera and the cinema, go swimming, take long walks, enjoy life together. but you aren't the man who wants these things.
[21:28:14] Kate : so fuck #42 if you haven't yet
[21:28:19] Kate : and 50
[21:28:24] Kate : and 60 and 70
[21:28:47] Kate : and tell the 20-year-old geeks how cool you are
[21:29:23] Kate : if only they knew what you gave up
[21:29:49] Chris : they do know
[21:29:58] Chris : but this is what happens when a man hears the call
[21:30:22] Chris : it's not the softness and cozyness that defines us
[21:30:28] Chris : it's the hardships and the effort
[21:30:44] Chris : and yes, this is the life that i want
[21:30:52] Chris : i had to decide
[21:31:10] Chris : play wow and wait to grow old enough to die while killing boars in elwynn forest
[21:31:12] Chris : OR
[21:31:17] Kate : THAT WAS NOT THE CHOICE
[21:31:22] Kate : DID YOU SEE WHAT I OFFERED YOU!?!?!?!?!?!
[21:31:24] Chris : what i have now
[21:32:05] Kate : [pasted what i said minutes before]
[21:32:13] Chris : ok
[21:32:16] Chris : i know that
[21:32:24] Kate : it was IMPOSSIBLE to get you out of the apartment the last time we were together
[21:32:32] Kate : that's not my fault
[21:32:35] Chris : but i have chosen otherwise
[21:32:39] Kate : ok
[21:33:01] Kate : so it's not that you chose killing boars versus that. if those men knew what you TRULY gave up
[21:33:12] Chris : they know what i gave up
[21:33:14] Kate : but they won't and that's fine. you can all play out your little game until you are old
[21:33:16] Chris : a relationship
[21:33:24] Chris : we know what a relationship is
[21:33:32] Kate : no, you have your own sick definition of it
[21:33:40] Chris : but i have joined the ranks of the seduction community again
[21:33:42] Chris : well, wait
[21:33:44] Chris : i will rejoin them
[21:33:45] Kate : fuck you
[21:33:50] Chris : have not done that yet
[21:34:02] Kate : i can't believe it
[21:34:04] Chris : they are my fraternity
[21:34:12] Kate : go to hell
[21:34:17] Kate : we can never be friends
[21:34:26] Chris : as you wish
[21:36:09] Chris : but it's your choice
[21:40:11] Kate : absolutely
[21:40:18] Kate : i already have a cocky pickup artist male friend; i don't need two of you
[21:40:27] Chris : you have one?
[21:40:28] Chris : who is it?
[21:40:39] *** Kate blocked Chris ***
[21:41:07] Kate : can you see it when i did that?
[21:41:31] Chris : when you did what?
[21:43:01] Chris : kate what do you mean
[21:46:38] Kate : i wondered if you could see if i blocked you on here and evidently the answer is no
[21:46:56] Kate : does it show me going offline?
[21:46:58] Kate : look now
[21:46:58] Chris : ok so if this is what you are going to do
[21:47:05] Chris : hm i didn't see you go off
[21:47:05] *** Kate blocked Chris ***
[21:47:13] Chris : however this seems to be your plan
[21:47:15] Kate : did it?
[21:47:32] Kate : hello?
[21:47:41] Chris : yes?
[21:47:43] Chris : what is it
[21:47:44] Kate : ok
[22:07:15] Kate : i will try not to block you on here in case you actually need to tell me something at some point but i did have to take you off my facebook
[22:09:31] Chris : why?
[22:10:35] Kate : because i can't watch what you're about to do to yourself; i love you too much for that.
[22:23:38] Chris : we have crossed the point of no return anyway
[22:23:41] Chris : so there was no need for that
[22:23:45] Chris : but it's your choice
[22:24:31] Kate : the point of no return?
[22:24:46] Chris : the point where we can't go back
[22:24:57] Chris : so you don't need to care anymore
[22:25:23] Kate : when can i expect you to call me and beg me to take you back?
[22:25:31] Chris : lol
[22:25:34] Chris : i'm a pickup artist
[22:25:54] Kate : you did it with [your ex]; i expect nothing less
[22:26:13] Chris : i'm past that
[22:26:29] Chris : that was before i became a man
[22:26:36] Kate : ok
[22:26:37] Chris : and while i lost much of my mojo
[22:26:42] Chris : i will regain it eventually
[22:26:46] Kate : don't make me block you
[22:41:08] Chris : i will go off now, kate
[22:41:15] Chris : if you want to talk again some day
[22:41:17] Chris : just contact me
And so I have taken him off my Facebook. I don't know why I have to pretend that I'm ok with the situation or be his friend. He wants to think that I'm still here for him, but he doesn't get that after what he's done to me.
I wonder what led to this shift but I pointed this out to her, and she agreed to have a Skype call with me yesterday. She told me that my aunt, who has been a teacher in a small school district in Indiana for 32 years, has lost her job due to budget cuts. Well, she has been offered a different position, but her 32 years in P.E. will come to an end. I don’t know how that works; will they cut P.E. from this school? It’s possible. My mom’s school cut their P.E. program a few years ago (along with music and art) and brought it back after a year or two, and my mom, who teaches the 6th grade, had to teach gym to her class. I think this resulted in a lot of relay races, and I advocated the use of the cage ball, my absolute favorite gym activity at that age and the only thing I didn’t completely suck at.
Anyway, when I was on Skype a few days ago, I got a message from an old friend I haven’t talked to in months. He and I were sort of close about a year ago, but we grew apart. I think that part of that had to do with my dating the Scotsman—I think he wanted to date me but never made that clear. We were just friends who maybe occasionally flirted but that was all.
So, we stopped talking over the summer. I made an effort to get in touch with him at some point many months ago but he ignored it and I left it at that. Then, a few days ago, a hi on Skype, which led to a call on Skype, which led to him asking if I wanted to turn on my camera so he could see me and vice versa. I said fine. And when his image loaded, he was sitting on his sofa, completely naked.
And, really, what do you do with that? If you are me, you laugh. “What?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing,” I said. “That’s just—wow. Ha.”
It made me feel good in a very peculiar way. It’s sort of the idea that, while all the good men may be taken, I can take solace in the fact that I’ll never be alone, as long as I keep my standards low.
That suggests that I am single or contemplating singledom. Neither is true. Well, with some of the complications I have with Chris, I guess I am always contemplating singledom but I want things to work with us. I simply think about what would happen if they do not. And if they do not, there’s a plethora of naked men, sitting on their sofas, waiting to share their lives or, at least, their goods with me. My, am I a lucky woman!
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