I felt really good yesterday. I got 12 hours of sleep the night before, and when I talked to Kev during the day, I told him that I wasn’t tired, stressed, sick, or sad about some man. I felt the way, I imagine, I should feel.

And then I totally fucking spoiled it by looking at the Facebook profile of Chris’ best friend on which he posted a photo of Chris at a pub, sitting next to a pretty woman. Said pretty woman could be the interest of Chris’ best friend or, judging by her expression, she may not even be having a very good time. But it really really hurt my heart to see that. I took Chris’ best friend off my Facebook friends list. He and Chris have been going out a lot lately and he posts mobile pictures from his iPhone so if I really want to suffer, I can watch them enjoying themselves in real time.

Also, Chris uninvited me for the weekend. Which is good because I wouldn’t have gone—I can’t see him and I have a date tonight. But I wondered if I was uninvited because he has a date with this pretty woman. Chris has invited me to visit him NEXT weekend. I will be in the UK.

I am going to make the biggest effort yet to not speak to him again. It has been two months since he dumped me and I haven’t shed tears over him in a couple of weeks, I think. I no longer entertain ideas of us getting back together. At the moment, I want him to think I’m amazing and regret dumping me. And I think he does, on some level. But it’ll never be everything I want it to be and I really need to let it go.

I thought I was far beyond the kind of hurt that photo made me feel. I’m feeling better today. I just need to make sure that I don’t have a lot of alone time where I get tempted to text him (which I haven’t done in quite a while, actually) or get on Skype to chat with him. Tonight I will see Zak, and tomorrow I hope to go out with friends. Also, I should look for a Halloween costume because I was invited to a party that I’d really like to attend. Also, the hash is Sunday. And possibly next week I can start looking for a gym. I was down almost half a pound this morning, but I’ll wait until next week to record it.

At the moment, though, I want to feel normal for more than a day. Maybe better than normal. Tonight I am hoping to wrap a blanket around me and Zak, watch a movie, and enjoy the company of someone who has been nothing but kind. I’m sure, though, it’s too early for that kind of coziness, so maybe a dinner and drinks is better. Sigh.

Copenhagen was great, but I am so glad that it’s over. I was running on about four hours of sleep a night for a few days combined with lots of drinking and nonstop socializing. Plus I was sick, so it has taken my body a couple of days to recover.

I’m also sort of sick of talking and thinking about it, to be honest. I have some fantastic stories that I hope to share at some point, but not yet, not now. Such is the case when interesting things happen: it’s just too much for me to recount them until some time passes.

If you are curious, there was a huge announcement made at our dinner on Saturday night in Copenhagen’s town hall. I posted it on my Facebook and you could surely find it if you searched. We’ve had some great news coverage around the world, but I suppose that’s what happens when you gather 300 newspaper editors and writers together for a weekend: they tend to write about you.

It’s snowing in Prague. I’m going to go looking for a new winter coat today after work. I don’t want to do any clothes shopping for a while, but I will make an exception for this because I need it. What I’m wearing today is hanging off of me and looks terrible. I would like to look a bit more put together for my date tomorrow.

That would be date #4 with Zak. We texted a couple of times while I was in Copenhagen. On Tuesday, I texted to ask when I could see him again, and he suggested Friday. I still wish he would be more enthusiastic about me, but he seems to be a nice guy who treats me well and who I find attractive, so I see no reason to abandon it. Also, he’s not taking up all of my free time, and that’s probably best.

Chris wants me to visit him in Vienna this weekend so that he has me on his arm at his best friend’s birthday party. Obviously, I am not going. I am pretty much moving on now, and I don’t think he has moved on at all. He still envisions himself with me. I feel sorry for him, on some level, but he brought it on himself; it’s not as if I dumped him.

He had his meeting at work on Tuesday to determine if he still has a job. He does. He texted me as soon as the meeting ended (I know this because I asked). Yes, I was the first person he told. That says something about my place in his life.

I received the following message from David on Sunday afternoon:

Hello Dear,

I will finally be in Prague tomorrow evening!!! I know last minute planning.. :( but unable to do otherwise, too much work (and, ok, partying as well :) )
Will you be able to host me just for the night!
I am here until tuesday afternoon, I go back to Brussels then. I am only picking up my stuff left in radcanska!

See you soon!!

I didn’t answer this, because I was in Copenhagen and knew he knew that I was in Copenhagen and that he might put 2 and 2 together that I was unavailable. Instead, I heard nothing until I had a missed call around 8:45 on Monday night. Basically, he flew into Brussels, tried to call me (my phone was off), texted me if I was in Prague, and then I finally responded to his Facebook message to say that I was still in Copenhagen and so sorry to have missed him.

He responded that he ended up staying in a hostel and wants to know when I will travel to Brussels to see him. He gave me exact dates with his availability, but the window is so small that I shouldn’t have a problem saying no.

Finally, let me briefly comment on my weight. All of the ordering in at the office and all of the fancy dinners in Copenhagen led to a weight gain of a couple of pounds over the last two weeks. But this morning, I was back down to where I was before: 32.5 pounds lost this year and 66.5 lost total. And now I’m poised to lose even more. I’ll try to find a gym in the coming weeks. I’m feeling fine.

David wrote to me yesterday on Facebook, and I was shocked to hear from him and shocked by his offer. I'm pasting the exchange, but I think I need to get out of it. He's just going to add more stress to an already stressful situation. Can you imagine if he had some big wine thing and I tried to cut in on it?

David wrote, on October 2 at 11:22am
Hey Kate,

Sorry for the long delay, still staying at a friend's place, and work work work!

I will tell you more later, but Brussels is fun.

How are you?

D.

Kate wrote, October 2 at 2:04pm:
Hi, David.

I'm glad you're enjoying Brussels. Things have been good here, but quite busy. I'll be in Copenhagen in one week for our conference and, when that's over, my life should go back to normal. I can't wait. :)

After that, I'll try to plan a couple of trips for the fall and I'm going back to the US for a couple of weeks at Christmas. I'll be in Brussels in December, which I think I mentioned to you before. I wonder... :)

David wrote, on October 2 at 2:19pm:
Hey Kate,

I don't think you have mentioned it, but great!
Will you visit someone in particular, or just the town?

Let me know how copenhagen is. What days are you going there? I could visit while you are there maybe, what do you think?

Kate wrote, on October 2 at 4:30pm:
Oh no, I just wrote you a whole explanation of my trip to Brussels and then I lost it when my computer restarted while I was away from my desk. Grr!

So, nutshell version: there's a Christmas shindig that I'm going for--a little cocktail party that should be a lot of fun, and perhaps you'll get to see me all dressed up! :)

As for Copenhagen, I'll be there from the 8th through the 12th. It'd be fantastic if you could pop over, although I'm on a minute schedule so I don't know what that would allow for...:-\

David wrote, on October 2 at 4:54pm:
Ok, let's see if we can work it out.

;)
Kate wrote, on October 2 at 5:19pm:
Absolutely. It's not a big deal for you to travel there?

David wrote, on October 2 at 5:50pm:
We'll see, I'll try to work it out. I will let you know in the next few days ;)

Will you be staying at some friends place, or in a hotel?

Kate wrote, on October 2 at 6:13pm:
I'm staying at the[Name of Hotel]; it's a business trip so my company is handling my accommodations.

If you can't come, there's always Brussels, though. Maybe I'll even be there before December if you have a couch to surf. :)

David wrote, on October 2 at 6:33pm:
I will always have a couch to surf for you!

I move in my own studio on monday, for 6 weeks, if you want to come soon. Very small studio though..

Do you think it would be weird if i stayed one night with you (or 2) at the [Name of Hotel]? If we hide like proper lovers..

I should have told him no from the outset, shouldn't I? That's what I was getting at with the minute schedule but, on some level, I would like to see him and am flattered by the effort he'll go to to see me. I also have trouble telling him no.

I didn't actually paste the whole exchange because he has since written, offering to come on Sunday and stay until Tuesday or Wednesday, if I can extend my time. I wrote back that I could see about changing my flight back and taking some additional holiday time but I don't think I want to stay at such an expensive hotel then. And, also, I know perfectly well that this is a bad idea, unless I can enjoy his company without getting emotionally involved. (Also, why do this after Zak seemed to go to the effort of telling me that he's, at least, not messing around with his ex? He seemed to be implying something exclusive, which is what I want, but do I want it with Zak, i.e., someone who doesn't seem to have much time for me? Regardless, why am I screwing around with the past?)

Anyway, I don't have time to analyze this at the moment because I should be checking over a PDF for work. And I need to leave for Caroline's birthday party in a couple of hours.

I hid one of Chris’ friends from my newsfeed on Facebook. Now I don’t have to see his constant stream of status and photo updates. I hid David a few days ago. I wish I’d known about this “hide” feature months ago; it makes that constant refreshing I do at Facebook infinitely less painful.

So Chris’ ultimatum: Either he comes here this weekend or we never speak again. But the American guy I had a date with last week offered up this coming Friday or Saturday for our second date. Sophia is having a party on Saturday, so I agreed to a date on Friday. Weekend full now, so no room for Chris. It’s over. I persevered. Or something.

Actually I tried to talk to Chris a bit on Sunday. I was hungover and about to head out to the store, but I asked him for five minutes. He said, “NO,” and that he didn’t want to talk to me because he was busy, and I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t give me five minutes. He said we could talk in a few days. I said that if he couldn’t give me five minutes, there was no sense in his coming for the weekend. Bitchy? Yes, especially because I knew at that point that I didn’t want him to come anyway. But he certainly got me back for it with the end of our conversation:

[16:29:20] Chris: why can't you accept that i simply don't want to talk NOW???
[16:32:17] Kate: i have
[16:32:25] Kate: it's ok
[16:32:26] Chris: i said NOW
[16:32:32] Chris: i just don't want to talk NOW
[16:32:38] Kate: it's ok
[16:32:40] Chris: why is that so hard to understand?
[16:32:43] Kate: i understand
[16:32:52] Chris: and why do you always have to escalate?
[16:33:15] Chris: can't you simply shut the fuck up and keep your drama to yourself?

I said nothing after that. He sent me two apologetic text messages later but I didn’t answer either. He’s blocked on Skype again, and it’s only a few days until the weekend and then, if he sticks to his ultimatum, he won’t talk to me again.

That Czech guy that I had the unimpressive date with a while back texted me, in Czech: “You are a pretty girl, I want you.” Today, he sent me a long message on Facebook, in Czech, about how he will only communicate with me in Czech from now on because, isn’t it sad that I’ve been here so long and I don’t speak Czech? He’s offended by it.

It seems to me like he’s just trying to make up for the fact that his English is horrible, and there’s nothing wrong with that but I’m not going to date him. I took him off my friends list. I don’t have time for that shit.

Other things: I spent most of the weekend with friends—out to dinner with Sophia, Lindsey, Jan and a few new folks on Friday, and I met Caroline and Pavlina before and after that at the unfermented wine festival. I was again at the unfermented wine festival on Saturday. One of my friends wouldn’t let me put up photos of her on Facebook because she was so embarrassingly drunk, but so was everyone (except me). Seriously, at least three of them fell over drunk. Another wandered off and couldn’t be contacted or found. One left in tears after a big fight with her boyfriend.

…Basically, a great night!

Photos from before things turned sour are here.

Everything has been up and down, up and down. London was amazing (although up and down, up and down). I loved the tiny bit of the city that I saw but hardly saw anything at all. It was also great to see Kev, but the most valuable time was probably that which I spent alone.

I saw a musical in the West End, which is something I have dreamed of doing for at least 15 years. It was a rather shitty show, but I still loved it and bought the CD. That, along with being in an English-speaking country for the first time in two years where people were so exquisitely friendly, along with the absolute beauty and energy of that place I have wanted to go for so long, helped me to refocus.

I thought about how I’ve lost my way and spent too much time trying to find a man to satisfy me. I thought about what I want out of life on my own and who I want to be. I thought about what makes me happy, independent of others. I thought about killing myself, about my family, my job, my life in Prague, David, and Chris. I thought about where I want to be. I felt empty most of the time but also like I had a lot of work ahead of me—an overwhelming feeling, but not a bad one.

I returned to Prague and was back at work on Friday, where I used my lunch hour to read a new book I picked up in London.

That evening, after eight silent days, Chris contacted me on Skype. I begrudgingly answered. He opened up and told me that he missed me and that I was an amazing girlfriend. He admitted that he thought I had made him unhappy but he realizes now that wasn’t true. He portrayed himself as someone who hates himself, as someone who will spend the rest of his life molding himself into someone else. It made me feel good about myself and sorry for him.

In the morning, though, I wished we hadn’t spoken and got on Skype to say that it still wasn’t a good idea to try to be friends. Either because of my change in mood or because he was puffed up from being out all night doing his pickup artist thing, he slammed me, running through the list of things he hates about me, saying that he remembered why he dumped me, and how I’d have to work harder if I wanted him back (huh?), because I was competing with his new lifestyle. He mentioned something about two girls fighting over him the night before.

All the healing from the eight days of silence was gone, and I hated him as though he had just broken my heart all over again.

Also, at some point (one of the friendlier portions of the conversation, obviously), he said that I could come down to Vienna and sleep with him, but there’d be no promise of a relationship. Purely for sex. But then he thought better of it and said that wasn’t a good idea.

Against my better judgment, I ended the conversation by offering him a fresh start and a new chance at friendship when we next spoke. I then went and met four other girls (including Sophia and Caroline) to go paddleboating on the river. We went from there to a festival where we had dinner, drank beer, and shared two bottles of wine. From there, it was off to a club for more cocktails with a couple of guys who tried to pick up one of the other girls, but we split around midnight because only one of us was dressed for clubbing.

Sunday morning, I was online on Skype and Chris contacted me again to say hello. I literally said only a couple of things before he responded that he was busy doing something and implied that I was annoying for trying to talk to him. Again, he contacted ME. Turns out he was trying to download Inglourious Basterds so we could watch it together and, when he managed to find what he was looking for, he triumphantly proclaimed, “See what I can get done when you aren’t pestering me?” Or something like that.

So that kicked off another brutal conversation but he did make occasional kind comments. Like he said that it was especially nice to be loved by me because my love is true and pure from a warm heart. And we ended the conversation pleasantly when I left to go see a movie with my friends. And I thought about him a lot through the movie.

I know that I am still in love with him and what I want is for him to take me back. But I want the kind of relationship we were never capable of having, and I don’t want to question whether I am enough for him.

Also, he left me. He could not have had his choices better outlined: stay with me and have a life much like he was experiencing or return to the life he had before he ever knew me. He chose to go back to what he had before. It wasn’t a choice of an unknown opportunity. It was a choice to erase me. And even if he tells me that he misses me and asks for me back, it will not undo this. As he said, I am competing with his pickup lifestyle. I was always competing. I lost.

When I got home later, I blocked him on Skype. He’s off of Facebook and now he can’t contact me on Skype. If he wants to contact me, he’ll have to call, text, or email. He almost certainly won’t call and texts and emails are easy to deflect.

As of now, I’ve avoided advances by three men who have tried to date me in the past couple of weeks. This includes the Czech guy I nearly had a date with, that ever-present other French guy, and some other guy who is remarkably persistent. I’m not interested. In anyone.

This morning, I received a Facebook message from David. As I wrote to Dan, he wrote to say that “he's settling into Brussels and to see how I'm doing. I'm very surprised because, even though he wrote that he was ‘sure our paths will cross again,’ I thought it was mere politeness.
I'm guessing he's going to ask me to visit and sleep with him. (I know him well enough by now to know that he always sends an introductory ‘how are you’ kind of thing before coming out with what he wants.)”

I got a definite high from hearing from him, but not having to encounter him and ignoring his activities on Facebook has made it easy for me to get over him. Still, if he ends up moving to Dubai in October/November, I may visit him because it’s fucking Dubai.

But I’ll try not to think about it too much. For now, I’m trying to focus on those glorious visions I had in London—visions of a happy, self-sufficient Kate. Getting out of this rut and making something of myself will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I am ready for this.

It hasn’t all been bad in the past few days, but mostly it has sucked.

I had crepes with Jan and Sophia yesterday evening after spending most of the day shopping. When I got home, I listened to music and did some ironing and started bawling when Amy Winehouse’s version of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” came on. The part of me that thought that David was serious when he said we could meet again before he left expected him to want to see me last night.

My Facebook newsfeed shows me that he chose to attend a pickled cheese competition instead.

He should be flying to Brussels today or tomorrow, and I wrote him this:

Hey, David.

You're probably jetting off today or tomorrow, so good luck in Belgium. I hope that everything works out there and with Dubai. I hope our paths cross again before too long. :)

All the best,
Kate
xoxo

He’ll respond with something polite, like, “Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Sorry it didn’t work out for us to see each other again before I left, but I had so much to do in a short time. Keep in touch! D.” And that’ll be it.

I have not contacted Chris in any way since that chat (posted a couple of entries back) from Thursday. He has not contacted me. One of his friends posted on my Facebook that he was sorry that Chris decided to return to being a “noob” and that we should hang out again when I’m next in Vienna. I’m not sure that I’ll ever return to Vienna, though.

I am filled with so much anger for allowing myself to be treated so poorly by both of them. It occurred to me that I’ve never really dumped someone before, no matter how bad things got. With two exceptions—one being Leon, but that was more mutual and worked out over a long period of time. The other one was Fouad. He cheated and used me financially and even that took me months to pull the plug on.

I need to raise the bar. You don’t want a monogamous relationship? You make incredibly racist remarks? You think women are beneath men and aren’t as intelligent or creative? You’re not looking for something long term? You tell me to turn off my music but I’m not allowed to say anything when you play your screaming death metal? You tell me that I need to lose weight in order to date you? You tell me to behave or to just be happy but you won’t even listen to me when I try to talk through my problems because you’re “not [my] therapist?” You don’t want to introduce me to your friends or invite me to your parties? Then you aren’t good enough for me.

Hard to implement, of course, but at least I’ll try it.

Anyway, I slept for about 13 hours last night with the aid of a Klonopin. Thank God I’ve got my trip to London to look forward to. I’ll be gone for a few days, starting tomorrow. When I return, I’ll go back to taking things one day at a time until I don’t want to off myself. Don’t worry; I’ll get there.

Lost another pound, but I’ll wait to record it. Still, 3.5 pounds since Tuesday. I’m wasting away at a little more than a pound per day. Getting dumped is the greatest diet plan ever.

I cried this morning and actually entertained thoughts that I should apologize to Chris for taking him off my Facebook. I refer you again to our conversation from last night. That is the entire conversation, except for a few lines I snipped out at the beginning where I told him I couldn’t talk now because I was on the phone with my bank. But I didn’t even take out my “hahahaha,” which is something I do when I am really pissed and makes me look childish.

But even me at my worst--saying “fuck you” and “go to hell"--doesn't make me come off as the bigger jerk in that conversation.

The problem, I guess, is that I always have to accept what is given to me. And this guy, asshole that he is, wants to be my friend. Who am I to be picky about friends?

Plus I invested 11 months of my life spending time with him, getting to know him, and loving him. How can I cut that person out of my life completely?

I guess I can tell myself that maybe one day, I won’t have to. That one day, we could be friends. But for now, it is not a good idea. I don’t want to see him post status updates about “getting it on” (he had something like that yesterday) or the horrible catchphrase that he used to high five one of his wingmen with before they went out to find women: “time to fuck.” I don’t want to see him post about going to “Inglorious Basterds,” which we planned for months to see together. I don’t want to see him post about anything that we were going to do together.

And you know what? I don’t have to.

Nearly a year ago, Caroline had a falling out with her former roommates when she moved out and they disagreed about some of the terms of the contract. She wanted to take them off of her Facebook, because seeing them on there enraged her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It would have been mean. And, seriously, who doesn’t think that unfriending someone is just a bit childish? But why do we do things that are hurtful to ourselves just to seem nice to others?

There were many times that I wanted David off of my list but just avoided looking at my newsfeed instead. He should’ve gone. And I will do everything in my power to avoid his profile in the coming days because there will surely be photos from his farewell party that I wasn’t invited to, and I don’t want to see them.

In a way, it’s good that I am losing both David and Chris at the same time. The pain is immeasurable but at least it’ll be over, for both of them, in a few weeks or so. And I can get on with my life.

Speaking of getting on with my life, I have booked flights to London for next week. I’m going to spend a couple of days getting rip roaring drunk with Kev and seeing a city that I’ve always wanted to see. There will still be a million things in London that I’ll want to see and will need to return to see, but I can’t turn down the invitation. I need a friend, and he’s offered his friendship to me for three glorious days. That’ll take my mind off of things for a while.

Maybe I’ll even bump into David at the airport as he’s heading to Brussels. Or maybe I won’t hear from him again until I post photos to Facebook in a few months and I look thin. Seriously, I have not weighed what I weighed since I was 16. I’m still fat, and there’s nothing wrong with being fat, of course, but I feel like I’m conquering something that I have struggled with for my whole life. It makes me feel good about something, at least.

It’s not a weigh-in day, so I shouldn’t be bringing on the pies, but I am because it’s about the only good thing going on right now.

I’ve dropped 2.5 pounds in the last two days. I know that’s not healthy, but I’m not starving myself. I even had a chocolate donut with lunch yesterday because I thought a sugar rush would make me feel better. But 3 of the last 4 evenings, I’ve been too depressed, busy, hot, and forgetful to have dinner. Thus, I have now lost 65 pounds since my highest weight and 31 pounds since I started dieting this year.




I wish I had more recent photos than the ones from the pool last weekend. You can’t see my body in them, but don’t I look happy?



I’m trying to come up with things to distract me while I get back to normal. I contacted two guys on an Expats website to see about getting together. Yes, they were male but one has a girlfriend and specified he’s not looking for “friends” but just people to hang out with. This is how I met Jan, and he’s a friend, not a “friend.” It’s possible. The other guy wanted to go swimming but he doesn’t work during the week and would prefer swimming then, so I don’t think that’s going to happen.

I’m also looking into going to London to visit Kev for a few days next week, if I can get the time off from work. He wants to take me out drinking. Remember that he’s married, so don’t get the wrong idea here, either.

But my other actions are less honorable. I may meet a Czech guy for a drink this weekend, which sounds an awful lot like a date, and we all know I’m not ready for that. But, then again, he’s leaving Prague so not much potential there and maybe a good distraction while I’m getting my head together. And nothing is confirmed; I can always cancel. The far worse action is that I contacted a former fling (the one who got mad and took me off his Facebook friends list about a year ago when I was looking for a relationship) to see if we could get together. He didn’t even question it; he was just like, “Sure thing; I’m free any time in the next two weeks.”

I don’t have to go through with any of these things. Maybe they’re just distractions for a slow, hot day.

Mostly, I feel like I should go out and meet people. Groups of people, that is, not men. But new people make me feel boring. Being alone makes me feel sad. Ideally, I could get a group of girls together to drink wine and watch shit movies, but I don’t know enough girls here. I thought of inviting that new Sophia girl (from my pool pictures) swimming over the weekend along with Jan and even bringing that guy who wanted to go swimming along to take the pressure off of me to be interesting. The more people, the less I have to talk. We’ll see if that pans out.

And, yes, if I end up alone, going for a nice walk through beautiful Prague will alleviate some of that. And I wouldn’t mind going shopping either. Or cleaning my apartment. There’s plenty to do as long as I’m not just lying in bed. 13 hours of sleep last night; this is what I fear.

David’s goodbye party is tonight. I know this from Facebook. I was not invited. To be fair, he’s getting his group of friends together, so why would he invite me? He commented on my Facebook status yesterday, but otherwise I haven’t heard from him since we met Tuesday night. I thought about writing him an email about what a wonderful man he is and how much I will miss him. You know, just in case it still isn’t clear that I adore him and want to stay in touch and see him after he moves. But deep down, I know that he knows how I feel and it doesn’t really matter to him. Maybe to his ego, but that’s all.

I’ve just got a few days or weeks to suffer through, and hopefully I won’t do anything too stupid. This is fucking rough.

I got home from my movie night around 11:30 and got on Skype. Chris popped on a few minutes later. If I were home, I'd just paste the conversation that we had, but I don't have that privilege here, so, basically he said that he regretted dumping me and that he's pissed at his life. He said that he feels empty.

But he also said that he doesn't want any more than what we have right now and when I asked if that meant he has gone back on wanting me to move to Vienna, he said he didn't know.

He said that he would like a few days to reconsider our relationship. That pissed me off like you would not believe. Not only have I been in that situation before, but I don't appreciate that now even our breakup has to be on his terms. Fuck that.

And if he actually regretted dumping me, he would want to take me back but instead he just wants to think about it. I think this means that he doesn't want me but regrets that he upset me enough to force me to retreat from him for so long. I told him that he'd gotten a glimpse of what life would be like without me and it freaked him out, so now he's trying to salvage a friendship.

Anyway, he said he'd email me when he gets home from work today around 2 or 3 PM. I told him I'd respond, but then I went ahead and wrote to him anyway. And now for your reading pleasure, the entire text of that email:

Hi, Chris.

I was going to wait to email you until after you write, but you said
something last night that seemed like a big red flag to me and I
needed to comment: you said that you feel empty.

Now, I know that this may come across as annoying to you, but I say it
because I love you and I care. I am fairly certain that you're
dealing with some depression and anxiety. Of course, no one should
feel that way, but especially not you: you have a good job, a family
that loves and cares about you, a lot of great friends, and a lot of
talents and skills. Feeling empty when you have that kind of life is
a sign that something is wrong within.

I really, really think you should see someone. For just an hour a
week, you could feel so much better about everything, because I think
you need some perspective. I'm not even saying that you have to be
satisfied with your life; there are certainly things you could change
to make things better. Maybe you could take up a sport, form a band,
travel more. Maybe you could start consulting people financially or
write a book. Maybe you could start going to more VIP events with
Hadschi and meeting more people.

But I think that seeing a professional counselor would be a good way
to keep track of this. You may not get anything out of it and, after
a few weeks, decide to stop. But I think it'd be a good place to
start.

As for us, I don't think I'm the problem in your life that has made
you unhappy, but maybe I am. I just know that when you did pickup you
still had low moments because you missed [your ex-girlfriend] and wanted her back. I
don't think your life was so much better, but maybe it was. That's
for you to know.

It says volumes, though, that when you felt so agitated and angry at
life, you decided that the thing that had to be changed was me. Maybe
that's because it was the easiest thing to do, but I don't think
that's entirely it. For some reason, you think I have placed some
restrictions on you. There is nothing I can do to convince you that
this isn't true, that you are free to your adventures and your
independent life as long as you are with me.

Truly, there are so many shades of my relationship with [an ex I never talked about in LJ before] in this
that it's unbelievable. All the way down to his dumping me when he
felt commitment pressures and then his needing time to reconsider that
he dumped me. Although I believe that we could be so happy together
if you solved your own emotional problems, it's much easier for you to
blame me and make drastic changes in your social life, feel energized
by the changes for a while until you decide that something else is
needed (at that point, maybe it's a girlfriend), and then you change
again. There's nothing wrong with living that way but it never
tackles the root cause of the problem, which is that you are
unjustifiably unhappy with yourself and feel entitled to some
Hollywood ideal lifestyle that you've never had. I am certainly not
the one caught up in a fairytale and certainly not the one who needs a
dose of reality, even though you've accused me of that throughout our
relationship.

I would like to think that I have offered you a loving relationship
with some adventures and a lot of care and fun. And even if I have
succeeded in that, it is not what you need at the moment.

I guess it's time for us to end our relationship and you to figure out
what it is that you need and want out of life. Realistically need and
want. Just saying "adventure" doesn't mean anything, and I wanted to
get to that last night when I asked you about your goals. I mean,
what do you envision? Are you jumping out of helicopters shooting
semi-automatic weapons at bad guys? Are you on stage, playing your
music in front of adoring fans? Are you a man with many lovers and no
obligation to any of them? If so, what are you doing to achieve these
goals?

I think that the goal you must want is to be the lover. The closest
you came to that didn't make you happy, and you sought a
girlfriend--me--to fill the emptiness. That suggests to me that I am
not the problem and once you are free of me, you'll realize my worth
to you. But I can't prove that to you now.

So, I guess that your unrealistic expectations of life and your
depression will force us to part. I hope that now you are able to
find what makes you happy. Don't bury yourself in pickup or video
games. Seek the help you need. Maybe it will save your next
relationship or, more importantly, make you feel better about
yourself.

Love,
Kate

The only thing left to do is to change my status to "single" on Facebook. I thought I'd wait until he responded, but maybe that's allowing him too much control. Besides, taking some time for ourselves doesn't mean we have to be broken up forever, if telling ourselves that helps us both to get past the pain. But I'm sick of all the blame. I'd like to think that if I were unhappy, I wouldn't lash out at the person who loved me most, but that may have been exactly what happened to end my relationship with Leon. In the end, though, it was better for him and this should be better for both me and Chris.

I forgot to write that yesterday, Kosta (who is the guy I dated for a couple of weeks last year, even though he told me on our first date that I should lose 30 pounds, even though he was morbidly obese, and who was generally a real douchebag) had a status update on Facebook that made me want to claw my eyes out:

Kosta .. sees a new path layed infront. A long jorney will begin,obsitcles awaiting, ups and downs will go in circle..and after all, is it not the jorney of life that matters and not the destianation?..it is time to dust off the good old walking booths and follow the moonlight shining upon..

I shouldn't be making fun of anyone else's enlightenment, and he is a smart guy, but this makes him sound like such a dumbass.

Someone responded, "woww now you have become a philosopher like aristotle."

I really hope that was sarcasm but I doubt it.

My four-year-old nephew Harrison was hit by a car on Wednesday. He is fine. The driver saw him run into the street and wasn’t able to stop but must’ve hit the brakes hard and swerved. Harrison was airborne but emerged only needing some reconstructive and plastic surgery on his face. Again, he is fine.

He and his sister Mattie, 5, were playing on the front porch at my parents’ house when they decided that they wanted to go play at a nearby park, so they took off. My mom noticed within minutes that they were gone because she couldn’t hear them, but it was too late to avoid the accident, which was witnessed by several adults, including an advocate for child protection services (or whatever it’s called). So now my parents are being investigated as to why the kids were crossing a street without an adult nearby. To be honest, even though I know my parents are great with the kids, it pleases me on some level that there is an investigation. I don’t want my parents to have to prove their worth, but there was a terrible accident when they were responsible for the kids, and that’s only fair.

Upon hearing that her son was in the hospital, my sister text messaged everyone she knows to start a prayer chain. That attention whoring annoys the hell out of me, and I’m sorry if that bothers those of you who are religious, but I guarantee that her SMS had nothing to do with the power of prayer and everything to do with letting people know something interesting was happening in her life.

This morning, I got online and saw that Chris had joined the “child-free atheists” group on Facebook, which really irked me. Yesterday, he saw a urologist to make plans to have a vasectomy in August. He asked me to be there for him. I’ve been growing more and more distant. The child-free group ignited an argument in email and text messages, and then he said he wouldn’t come visit this weekend. At this point, I still don’t know if he’s coming. If he is, he should be on a train in a little over an hour.

We’re growing apart, and it has nothing to do with David. Seriously, after another lengthy discussion with Kev and a lot of thought on my part, I feel ready to pull away from David too. But I say that every few weeks, and I’m not being tested until he’s back from London and wants to see me.

I may actually be single soon. I can’t promise it’ll stay that way, but I see that there’s more out there and I want to be strong.

I amazingly managed to get an appointment with my psychiatrist tonight. He’s usually booked weeks in advance but I gave him a ring, and he’s open tonight, so I’ll pop by for a half an hour and float my borderline personality disorder hypothesis and see if he wants to change my meds. I’ve been weaning myself off of them lately anyway (gee, Kate, maybe that’s why your anxiety is out of control) and would be open to changing things up.

This could, of course, turn out horribly. The side effects of many of these pills are Not Fun, but I’m imagining him exclaiming triumphantly, “Yes, borderline personality disorder, of course! What you need is this!” and then frantically scribbling a prescription for a Wonder Drug that will make me feel like I’m walking on rainbows.

I’m not even sure what it would mean to walk on a rainbow but it sounds lovely.

Screwing around with my prescriptions may have terrible effects on my social life, my job, my relationship, and my willingness to get out of bed in the morning. But even before I started weaning, I was beginning to feel like my pills weren’t doing all that they used to and so I need to change something. Really, something must be done because I can’t continue to feel the way that I do.

I also made a counseling appointment with a new therapist for next Wednesday morning. This was his earliest availability that worked into my schedule.

Oddly, I was going to comment that I already feel better just by taking the steps to get help, but I just looked at Chris’s Facebook and see that he commented and thumbed up photos added by one of his friends whose influence bothers me. letmeburyem is probably right that I need to write about what this organization is and who these friends are, but not at the moment. At the moment, I’m feeling anxious again that this sole action indicates that he is slowly trying to work his way back into this group.

What’s wrong is that my judgment is so impaired. I really cannot tell what are warning signs and what are normal behaviors that I’m overreacting to. I worry that I’m either going to fuck something up because I’m overly sensitive and reacting to what is essentially nothing or I’m going to get fucked over because all the warning signs are there and I didn’t do anything about them.

I wrote in response to a comment on a previous post that this current situation does not feel entirely unlike what I had with Fouad. It could not have been clearer that he was cheating and using me, and yet I refused to do anything about it. I read the entries that I wrote when Fouad and I were dating and I think, “My God, what an idiot I was.” Will the same thing happen with my current relationship? Or will I feel like an idiot who screwed up a good thing? Or will he and I still be together and I’ll be thinking what a waste of energy this all was?

I love him, and he makes me happy. He also causes me a lot of anxiety and heartache, but I just don’t know if that’s because I’m so screwed up or because it’s actually problematic. I hope that a therapist can help me sort through this mess. I cannot wait to see my psychiatrist tonight.

Edit at 17:39: I reread my entries after I post them, and this line sticks out to me:

I worry that I’m either going to fuck something up because I’m overly sensitive and reacting to what is essentially nothing or I’m going to get fucked over because all the warning signs are there and I didn’t do anything about them.

Just reading that, I realize that I would rather get fucked over than fuck it up. Well, let me explain that. At least if I get fucked over, I realize that there was nothing that I could've done to save it but at least I gave it my best effort. If I dump him because I fear that he's changing back into someone who I don't think I would like, I would be doing so prematurely. If he loves me and wants to be with me and he makes me happy, then I should ride it out.

He may go back into this organization and he may turn into someone who I cannot love or even stand to be around. Then I should break up with him. But to do so before in an attempt to shelter myself from pain I may never experience is foolish.

The only two people to opine on this situation have told me that I should dump him, but they neglect to see how much in love I am. And how happy I am when he and I are together. The anxiety is in my head; until he does something outrageous, I need to relax.

A brief update on Dan. He emailed me, and I was right. His wife was unhappy about his female Facebook friends, and he is trying to make her happy. I hope that they can work it out, and I told him I understand and am here if he ever wants to talk again. This is a tough loss for me, but his marriage is more important than our friendship.

Dan unfriended me on Facebook. We argued a few weeks ago about a Guantanamo-related article that I posted on my profile, but I thought we resolved the matter. He did, however, say in the middle of the argument that he feels like I’m very nice to his face but mocking the things that are important to him behind his back—things like the Republican party. Nothing has changed in the past few weeks, but maybe he decided that I was more trouble than I was worth.

Another possibility is that his wife was jealous—not just of his friendship with me but with lots and lots of women that he’s added because he gets into these game applications and adds a bunch of people that he meets through them. Some of the women get a bit flirtatious in the messages they leave on his profile, and his wife may have put her foot down about them, causing him to unfriend all female acquaintances that she didn’t approve of. I’m basing this hypothesis, in part, on the fact that he and I used to have a few female friends in common but now we only have two common friends—both male. So I may not have been the only one to get the boot.

Regardless, this is getting old. I don’t care very much when someone who I barely know unfriends me. Likewise, I have had at least two males who courted me and then took me out on lousy dates unfriend me when things didn’t work out between us. Although it still stings a bit to have that blatant rejection, I understand it. But someone like Dan? Completely unexpected.

On another subject, my anxiety is out of control right now. I have contacted a new therapist—one who hopefully has more time for me in his schedule than the one I was seeing. Actually, this one has a PhD and I think I may try seeing him for both counseling and medication if it works out [Edit: I'm an idiot. PhDs can't prescribe medication.]. He sees clients until 9 pm, so that looks very promising.

I’m also back on social contact as therapy. So after I took Chris to the train station on Saturday evening, I went out with Caroline, Jirka, and Leslie and had a great time. We went to a pub and ended up having a singing contest with a nearby table. It was fantastic. And then yesterday I went to the hash for the first time in ages. That was also quite enjoyable.

But part of the anxiety is caused by Chris. He keeps changing or, at least, expressing a need for change. Today he started his third job in the five and a half months that we’ve dated. And while you’d think that shouldn’t affect me, it really does. Where he is all day affects his mood and demeanor when we interact. Plus he’s supposed to do a bit of traveling for this job, which certainly could lead to big changes. And, at the very least, I got spoiled by his ability to email me extremely frequently at his last job—especially after he quit and wasn’t as engaged in the work.

He branded yesterday as some kind of rebirth for him. It was the first of the month and his first day where he was no longer an employee of his previous company. Ordinarily, on a Sunday, he would have logged onto World of Warcraft as soon as he got up, but he decided that yesterday he would not do that because he wants this to change. And I partially think that he was just getting himself mentally prepared for his new job (which is also why he didn’t stay the full weekend with me; he needed some time to himself) and that things will go back to normal, and I partially admire him for trying to make his life better and more productive.

Anyway, he instead was listening to music and reading some things online. He also downloaded Rosetta Stone for me so I can use it to work on my German. I was happy about this but worried—worried that he will actually change and that that will lead to problems in our relationship.

The thing that concerns me the most is something I have never written about here and have really not spoken about with others. But he used to be active in an organization that I rather profoundly object to. He made a lot of his current friends through this organization, and, although I have met a few of them and think they are perfectly nice people, I’m a bit wary of them and their influence on Chris. (I keep wishing that he’d get active in music again or join the Free Thinkers/atheist group that he used to be with and make friends through these organizations; I’m even going to take him to a hash the next time I’m in Vienna, which is a move to show that I don’t object to him having his own life and spending time with friends; I just get nervous about these particular people).

Anyway, during a recent argument, he told me that he wants to get involved with this group again. After the argument, he implied that he only said that because he knew it’d make me upset and he was so angry that, essentially, he wanted to hurt me. And he said that he may not find it necessary to rejoin this organization after all. But he’s making plans for this evening and tomorrow, and I think he’ll be hanging out with these same friends with their fucked up ideologies. And while he’s said that he will not rejoin this group without at least letting me know first, I’m scared that he might sneak in the back door.

I realize this topic loses most of its impact if I don’t tell you what this group is, but I explained a bit about it to Caroline, and I think she lost all respect for him. And so if he never rejoins, it's not an issue and I don’t want to taint him in all of your minds.

The bigger picture here is that I don’t know how many of these concerns are legitimate and how many of them are me making mountains out of molehills. Will hanging out with these people serve as a gateway for him to reenter this community? And if he did reenter, does that mean we can’t be together? Where does the threat start? The friends? The organization? His intentions? Do I trust him that this desire doesn't exist and was only claimed out of anger? Or does he honestly miss it and wish to go back? And if that’s the case, can we ever be happy together? If he longs for something that I don’t think I can tolerate, it’s only a matter of time before we break up, isn’t it?

But again, how much of this is in my crazy head? To the therapist, I must go!

Lenka unfriended me on Facebook. Not only did she unfriend me, she blocked me. I was a little surprised that she has the computer knowledge to do this, but Caroline said that Lenka is still her friend on Facebook and when I search for Lenka, she doesn't show up, so there's really only one way that this could be accomplished, i.e., she blocked me. Classy.

This is the second time in the last few months that I've been unfriended by someone because they wanted something from me and I did not comply. And so, the entire friendship was discarded.

In Lenka's case, she felt that because I moved into an apartment where she previously resided, I was obligated to receive and deliver her mail to her. While this is certainly a polite practice in the first weeks after the move, it has been 13 months since said move. Nevertheless, I did try to provide this service for her, but she was continually getting irritated with me that I wasn't able to deliver things to her at her beck and call. And because my mail delivery service was poor, she is no longer my friend. It's so nice when social networking websites can help spell things like this out for you.

The other person to unfriend me was someone I wrote about before--a summer fling. He wanted me to travel to meet him but I told him that it wasn't in my best interest. We had a very long talk where I explained to him that I was looking for a relationship, and since he was not, it wasn't going to work. But I assumed we'd remain friends and exchange emails and chat as we had before. Instead, he dropped me.

It's hard for me to value myself as a person when people treat me like this. I know that both of these people were users, of course. Caroline has always observed this behavior about Lenka, and this guy only wanted to sleep with me and when I shot that down, he discarded me because he didn't need a pal.

Today on the tram, I was thinking about how terrible it is that I base my own opinion of myself on what other people think of me and how they treat me. But I just think that if people are always treating me poorly, it is reflection on who I am as a person. People aren't nice to me, because, presumably, I'm not nice to them. After all, was it really so hard for me to get Lenka's mail? I found her constant emails, texts, and calls on the matter to be annoying but maybe it could have been worked around. It won't be now, and my worth to her was such that when I wasn't providing this service for her (and this was all I was doing; we stopped hanging out months before), I no longer belonged in her life. Cut out.

And I don't usually write about work, but I am a bit hurt that one of my coworkers who I actually quite like is having a party this weekend and she seems to have invited everyone else in the office, including one of our designers who doesn't even work regularly with us, but she did not invite me. She even asked me about this a couple of weeks ago, saying that she thought she was going to have a house party and would I be available a certain weekend but I think she was just making small talk because, in the end, I was not invited.

I simply know about it because the designer was in the office saying that he was planning to bring his sister to the party and another coworker today apologized that he wouldn't be able to make it because he'll be out of town this weekend.

I will also be out of town, and so I wouldn't have even attended, but I still would've liked an invitation.

Anyway, this feels like par for the course for me. People simply do not like me, and, at my most introspective, I know that this is because I am boring, uncultured, and unattractive. I am weird.

I have moved around and been exposed to enough new people in new situations to know that, in general, people do not take away a good first impression of me. Or second impression. Or third. It happens with enough people for me to know that it isn't them; it's me.

I do, of course, have people in my life who value me--the Carolines, the Dirks, the Chrises, and the Dans. These people are perhaps seeking out personality traits that most others are not. And thank God for that.

Because I can't tell you how difficult it is to be the person to whom no one wants to talk, who is only worth having as a friend if she will give you something (David also confirms my worth in this regard), and whose invitation mysteriously gets lost in the mail. Repeatedly.

I spent so many years of my life wanting to be extraordinary; right now I would like to be normal. To have the worth that others have; to be respected as others are. I am not, and it hurts.

I am really pissed off in regards to David. He contacted me this morning via Facebook message, and I have been thinking about it for the past couple of hours. I started writing an LJ post in my head while I went out to grab something to eat but now I think that venting about it won't make me feel any better. It'll just continue the cycle of anger, jealousy, and rejection that I associate with him.

To put it briefly so that I don't dangle information in front of you and not share it, it was something like, "Merry Christmas. I'm really busy, but let's get together in the New Year." Ok, that's not the part that upset me--he's been pretty persistent about us getting together even though he knows that I'm dating Chris.

No, what pissed me off was that I then looked at my Facebook feed and saw that he had posted a bunch of photos from a party he threw at his place. And was I invited to said party? Of course not. To be fair, when I thought that we might actually have a relationship together, I didn't put much effort into mingling him into my group of friends. But I also don't ever host parties or events. I don't like the responsibility of organizing events or the blame when they don't go well. So I stay out of that position.

But David is a sommelier, so of course he likes to entertain.

So what annoys me here is that it's a reminder of how he values me, which is to say, not at all. And that would be fine if he'd leave me alone. But he acts like we're friends in some sort of pathetic attempt to keep his name on my dance card in case Chris and I break up. Actually, in case I decide to cheat. So he invites me to get coffee...at his place. Or to go see a movie...but, wait, he didn't have time to look up listings so let's just watch something at his place.

Right, I see where this is going. And, of course, he is entitled to act that way. The real question is why I allow anyone to treat me that way. I know, in part, it's because sometimes I find the attention flattering. But it really isn't. It's insulting and sad and pathetic. I know that I should remove and block him on Facebook and delete his phone number. And yet, I don't. I tell myself that it's because I don't want to be rude, but that really doesn't explain it. I love the drama? It's thrilling? I'm happiest when I'm upset?

I don't know. And I'm closing comments on this, because even the most well-intentioned feedback on David is difficult for me to hear.

And one last thing: I love Chris. This has nothing to do with him. If he and I were not dating, David would still be on the periphery. I would either be dating someone else or single, but I wouldn't ignore David. I wouldn't make an effort to talk to him, but I wouldn't ignore him either. I know this is difficult to understand, and it's difficult for me to understand. Maybe when I get my medical insurance card, I'll find a therapist, because this is ridiculous.

Edited at 2:45 PM: I know, it's funny that I said I'd be brief and wrote all of this. HOWEVER, I left out a bunch more of mah feeeelings--the entry in my head had to deal with all sorts of rejection issues and other people who make me feel like crap, so provided I stop typing right now, we can say I was brief. So, yeah, just need to stop talking about this...

Edited at 2:51 PM: I want to reiterate my love for Chris and the fact that this has nothing to do with him! He makes me feel wonderful, and I am so incredibly happy to have him.

Actually, I'm wondering if my obsession with David is a need to prove my worth. I am insulted that he deemed me only fuckable and not relationship material, so this is why I can't get rid of him. I have to right this--not by dating or fucking him but by somehow taking these opportunities of contact that he gives me to show him that I am an awesome person and he is worse off for not having me in his life. Put simply, I'm bitter. Still. If I deleted him, I would stop being bitter because he would stop contacting me and I wouldn't have the reminder of my rejection to continually refresh my bitterness. Hmm...

Ok, shutting up now, for at least another 4 minutes.

Today has been emotionally exhausting, and that's largely my own damn fault. The bulk of said emotional exhaustion was the result of my causing an argument (if you can call it that) with Chris. I was being really moody and negative last night, and he didn’t want to talk to me because of it so he signed off of Skype in a huff. I sent him two text messages and called, which is when I discovered that he had turned off his phone, so I moved on to email.

I eventually had to admit to myself that he was not going to answer last night, and I should go to bed. So I did. When I woke up in the morning, I checked to see if he had contacted me, but he had not. So I texted him and then called. No response.

I was very concerned that he was going to break up with me because he had never been so unresponsive before. I also found it difficult to concentrate on other things because I hate having things that are unresolved. I called him again when I got to work, and he didn’t answer but called back immediately. So either he missed picking up in the three rings before his voicemail picked up or he didn’t want me to pay for the call.

And, in a nutshell, everything is fine. He said to me that I “underestimate the stability of our relationship” and that he’s willing to work through things with me. He admitted that he was angry last night but he isn’t now, but I still need to be more positive and work on these things because it’s not fun when I act that way. He’s right about everything, and I’m grateful that he can tolerate my being temperamental, even though I hate it as much as he does.

So: relief, gratitude, adoration. Everything is fine.

But then I noticed that someone I had had a summer fling with had unfriended me on Facebook, so I sent him a message to ask why. He tried to play it off as a systematic cleansing of the people on his friends list that he doesn’t communicate with (anymore), but I know him well enough to know that he does not keep up with well more than half of the other 300 people on his list. Which is to say: bullshit. Besides, this guy also maintains two dummy accounts for some of the Facebook games and I was friends with both of them…until today. So he was systematically cleansing his friends list and the friends lists of these two fake people? I doubt it. Unless he was systematically cleansing them of me.

My guess is that he saw all of the karaoke photos that I added of me and Chris looking happy together, and he decided that our fling was flung and had no hope of revival. So he cast me out of his 300.

Anyway, I sent him a message about it, and he responded. We wrote back and forth a few times and started rehashing our relationship/friendship, which was exhausting. He didn’t think that I ended things in a polite way, to say the least. But I’m not going to rehash it again. Once today was enough. Suffice to say that it was more than I wanted to deal with.

Next was my sister. She had up a Facebook status update about how she’s finished all of her Christmas shopping, and I responded, “Scary!” She wrote back something about all the presents being wrapped and so on, and I made some flippant remark about how she’ll probably end up buying more stuff because she’ll find more things before the 25th. Which is exactly what I would end up doing. And I just meant it to be funny; I can see how it could be misinterpreted, and, of course, it was.

She responded with this, “Sounds like you have an attitude or that you are a little bitter about something. I have no time to shop with kids, school, work, wedding, etc. I won't be buying anything else. If you have nothing nice to comment about then please say nothing. I don't want negativity! I love you all the same!”

So I deleted my comment. I wrote back something about how I hadn’t meant it to sound negative but I didn’t really feel like explaining myself and then I deleted that too. She changed her status to something about how she is annoyed by negative people—why can’t people just be happy for one day!?

I commented on that that she shouldn’t assume the worst and should take things more positively but that it was okay because “I love her anyway!” which was really bitchy of me. She deleted it. Figures. She’ll get over it. I’m not going to bother trying to fix it.

Finally, I had to make a key during my lunch hour for my landlord. There are two main doors to my apartment building and one has a new lock that he didn’t have a copy of. Actually, when I saw him last month, I gave him my spare set of keys and then I had to make a copy of this key for him. Why? Why the fuck am I making copies of keys for my landlord? How in the hell is that my responsibility? Will he reimburse me for this service? I doubt it.

If nothing else, it was a pain in the ass to find a place that would make the key. I went to one key maker who wouldn’t even do it. He looked at the key and decided it wasn’t possible and I was briefly irritated that my landlord asked the one non-native Czech in the building to do his bidding. That makes absolutely no sense. Or am I missing something?

Anyway, I have the damn key now to give to him. So everything is settled: Chris and I are in love and good; the fling has unfriended me but it may be for the best because I don’t need drama; my sister is peeved at me but she’ll get over it; I have the fucking key for my lazy landlord. I am, however, really goddamn exhausted.

I am not going home for Christmas, New Year's, or my sister's wedding. The flight is $1700, and there is no way for me to rationalize that. Yes, I suppose that I technically have $1700 that I could spend on a flight, but I would rather not. That's fucking expensive, and a flight in the spring would be half that price.

My sister has still not talked to me about the wedding, nor has she talked to my parents. They only know about it because of me, and I only know about it because my sister's fiance told me about it.

Also, I received this gem of a Facebook message from one of my sister's friends last week:

Is there any reason you won't come back for [the wedding]? I know you were there for her first one. Which was the biggest mistake, and everyone new it was. This one isn't a big mistake, this is the right one for her. They have their ups and downs, but they are truly meant for one another. I know it would mean so much to her if you could come home even if it was just for one day, for the day of the wedding. Your her sister. No matter how much the two of you have fought in the past and said nasty and mean things to each other, she still loves you very much. You know that. And it would mean the world to her if you could be there. So I know you Kate. You don't hate your family that much to not want to come home for you sisters 2nd wedding, the marriage that will end up lasting til death do us part! At least I hope you don't hate your family at all! More or less I'm begging you to come, for Sara. She doesn't even know that I am doing this right now. And if she did, she would probably get upset with me.

Everyone who is reading this can think I'm a bad person for not going to my sister's wedding, but I think we all know that if I gave her two months to book a flight to Europe during the busiest and most expensive time of the year, it wouldn't come as any great shock if she declined. And it wouldn't be offensive either.

Besides, she and I are not close. Yes, she's my only sister. But I haven't seen her in more than a year. She hasn't visited me in Prague. She never visited me in California. And I don't even hold those things against her but it does bug me that, for some reason, our relationship is my responsibility. Why do I have to reach out to her to talk about her wedding? If she wants me to be a part of it, she should talk to me about it.

Besides, I'm rather disgusted with her at the moment. Yesterday, she and her fiance got re-baptized at church. He actually baptized her. Ok, some of you will think that's sweet, but it kind of grosses me out. She also just joined some anti-abortion Facebook group. And I know she voted for McCain. We really don't have anything in common and it's not only my responsibility to work on that.

For the record, I am very happy in my relationship with Chris, but this is not an entry about Chris. It is an entry about David.

I last saw David on September 4th. We exchanged a few messages the following weekend, which was a very rough time for me. That Sunday, I was severely depressed, which blew up into a huge argument with Dirk that I still have not completely gotten over. (The last time that Dirk and I spoke, which was October 4th, he referred to me as a “suicide candidate,” and I honestly think that he didn’t intend that to hurt my feelings. That’s just Dirk calling it like he sees it, but sometimes I’m just too sensitive to deal with him, which is why I haven’t phoned him in the last few weeks. But this is not an entry about Dirk. It is an entry about David.)

Decisions were made on that Sunday and in the following days, including one to stop seeing David. I was not going to contact him any more; that was it. On Tuesday, September 9th, I met Chris.

And about two weeks later, Chris came to Prague to stay with me for the weekend. That Saturday, I received several text messages from David, asking me to come over. I went back on my promise to myself by responding to those messages to say I was busy. I did not respond to his final message, which asked me to meet him the following day when I was no longer busy.

Sunday evening, Chris and I decided to date exclusively and we changed our statuses on Facebook. About two days later, David sent me a message, admitting to me that he was seeing someone else (um, duh! I always knew that!) but that we’d have to see what October had in store and maybe we’d meet up. I did not respond, and I thought it was obvious that he only admitted that he was seeing someone else because I was now “in a relationship.”

I thought the admission was some kind of “Oh, yeah? Well I’m seeing someone too, so nyah!” response to my relationship status change. After all, three days earlier, he wanted to sleep with me. And now he was seeing someone? Interesting.

It’s possible, though, that it was meant as a kind of pact. “You’re dating someone? Well, so am I! But maybe we’ll get together in October! Squee!”

A few days ago, he poked me on Facebook, which caused me to look at his profile for the first time since I swore him off. And in addition to befriending the entire female population of the Czech Republic, he’s back on the dating applications. Methinks he’s no longer seeing someone. Or her importance is about the same as mine, i.e., none at all. The charming French lover boy is still on the prowl. How romantic.

I have not poked him back but I also haven’t ignored the poke. This has the unfortunate effect of his name always showing up on my Facebook home page, forcing me to give him some consideration, but it also doesn’t allow him to poke me any more, because he doesn’t deserve the privilege. Ha!

So, today, I checked my email and saw that he, again, contacted me. He sent this:

Subject: hey

Hi Kate,

How are things? Long time no see! Very busy here, I just come back from a Team Building in the countryside.

Have a great week.

David.

My guess would be that he’s feeling me out. Since I haven’t poked back and never responded to his last message, he approaches cautiously. If I respond, maybe he’ll ask about my relationship but, more likely, he’ll ask if I want to come over and watch a movie or something to that effect. And if I say yes, he’s managed to win back one of his semi-regular amusements. It’s good to have a few waiting in the wings as it turns to winter and there’s less to do.

But, obviously, it’s not going to get to that point. I am very happy with Chris. Very happy, verging on giddy, frankly. And David contacting me? It really strokes my ego. But that’s it. The only question here is whether I can continue to snub him; you’d think he would’ve gotten the hint. Not responding to another message makes me feel really mean. As a couple of you pointed out, David really never did anything wrong to me—he was always upfront about his intentions (he did say at one point that he would be open to the idea of a relationship in the future but that future never arrived so I shouldn’t have expected anything). The fact that he hurt me so much was due to my becoming attached to him and getting needy and clingy because I really liked him so very much.

But that doesn’t change the fact that he isn’t good for me. So, can I be a snob to someone who doesn’t deserve it, simply to save my own sanity? And is my sanity even at risk now that I’ve moved on? Is it even something to play with? I think we all know the answer to that.

Actually, I am a bit miffed right now. I just went on Facebook and this is what my sister has been up to today:

Sara updated their Weddingbook. 7:15am - Comment

Sara accepted a growing flower from you. View the flower -OR- Send a flower! 7:13am - Comment

Sara just completed the drug smuggling by sea in Mob Wars. 7:10am - Comment

Sara just earned the Pull Tabs title Duran Duran. 7:08am - Comment - Show 1 More Post

Sara reached level 85 in Pull Tabs and now gets 435 Credits per day. 7:08am - Comment

Sara reached level 78 in Scratch and Win and now gets 400 Credits per day. 7:07am - Comment - Show 1 More Post

She's doing all of those things but she hasn't responded to me about the wedding. What is going on here?