I have nine days to find a cocktail dress for the upcoming conference. I have a couple of possibly suitable dresses at home but one is scandalously short and the other shows a scandalous amount of cleavage. I will go shopping tonight for the third time and if I don’t find anything I will try to FedEx something from the US or the UK. I really am running out of options here.
I had my second date with the American on Friday. His name is Zak, and I quite like him. He seemed a lot more relaxed and easygoing than on the first date and he’s been a perfect gentleman the whole time. I still haven’t had to pay for anything, and I like the way he wraps his arms around me. He makes me feel warm and secure.
He was very busy the rest of the weekend but texted me Saturday evening to see how I was. I texted him yesterday, and he let me know he’s free this coming weekend, when we plan to have date #3.
I am slightly concerned, though, that he could be a bit like David—well-off, established, educated, extremely busy, and possibly only looking for someone to keep his bed warm. I am basing this last judgment solely on the fact that he changed our second date plans from drinks out to drinks at his place. I hope he is not embarrassed to be seen with me. We’ll see if he takes me out this weekend (I also invited him to come out with my friends, and he said that he plans to get a lot done this week so he has more free time during the weekend, so perhaps I’ll see more of him than a single evening). Whatever. I don’t want to put too much thought into it.
Kev is back in Belgium after 3.5 weeks in the US and thank Christ for that. I missed him. He missed me too. After about two weeks apart, he wrote to me that he missed me a bit and he seemed surprised by it, if you can show surprise in a chat window. By the third week, he missed me a lot. I am definitely looking forward to visit him next month. He and I will get liquored up in London for Halloween, I think. I really enjoy his company.
Anyway, the rest of my weekend. I went to a mojito bar on Saturday and then out clubbing. I was out until about 5.30 in the morning and still up by 8 to take a day trip to Karlstejn for their burcak festival. Photos taken by my friend Petr can be found here.
But these are a couple favorites:
Me with Caroline.
Caroline, me, Petra.
Me, Caroline, Petra, and Jirka.
And again.
Also, I have twice hung out with this guy named Aaron who is from Washington DC and has a girlfriend in Slovakia. Purely as friends (he contacted me on Facebook well over a year ago when he was first in Prague but we never met up before). So he’s back in Prague and has been here since Wednesday. He’s contacted me every day to hang out. He only has one other friend, no job, and no place to live. His passport was stolen. I went with him to a concert on Wednesday and then invited him out to the mojito bar on Saturday. He annoyed the shit out of one of the other people there and she called him an imbecile after he left. He’s just so socially awkward. I have a soft spot for that but I also can’t quite stand him and want to shake him. It’s weird, though, to think that I’d give up a friend that seems always available but, right now, I feel more like his mother. Anyway, that’s enough of an update for now. Back to work.
I really don't know why I'm so upset; is it for Leon? For his mom? For his family? For me? For something else entirely?
Cried a lot. Thought crazy, self-sacrificing things. Texted Chris...
...Very bad.
The good news is, though, that his interest in me seems to be decreasing. He's probably miffed that he was reduced to apologizing and got no response. And so when I told him that I needed to talk to someone and asked if he and I would talk again, he said that he didn't know, because things had started easy between us and gotten complicated again.
I wrote back that we are oil and water and said I understood. I gave him what could be the last message I ever send. It almost certainly won't be but it had that tone, that gravitas.
I feel like I've lost the last month and a half since I was dumped, except that isn't true at all. I'm just overly tired, stressed, terribly sad, and lonely. Oh, and nervous as hell about the conference that's a bit more than two weeks away.
I need a good night's sleep, a massage, and maybe someone who will listen to me without expecting anything in return and without feeling put out by it. And I need to start over again because, even though I'm doing better than before, I still am falling into the old habit of coming home from work or getting up on a Saturday morning and turning on Skype. Chris is there. I block and unblock him, block and unblock him. I need to keep Skype off, maybe the computer off. I need to meet people mid-week. I need to do anything to keep him out of my head.
But for now, I'll just start with that sleep.
But he also said that he doesn't want any more than what we have right now and when I asked if that meant he has gone back on wanting me to move to Vienna, he said he didn't know.
He said that he would like a few days to reconsider our relationship. That pissed me off like you would not believe. Not only have I been in that situation before, but I don't appreciate that now even our breakup has to be on his terms. Fuck that.
And if he actually regretted dumping me, he would want to take me back but instead he just wants to think about it. I think this means that he doesn't want me but regrets that he upset me enough to force me to retreat from him for so long. I told him that he'd gotten a glimpse of what life would be like without me and it freaked him out, so now he's trying to salvage a friendship.
Anyway, he said he'd email me when he gets home from work today around 2 or 3 PM. I told him I'd respond, but then I went ahead and wrote to him anyway. And now for your reading pleasure, the entire text of that email:
Hi, Chris.
I was going to wait to email you until after you write, but you said
something last night that seemed like a big red flag to me and I
needed to comment: you said that you feel empty.
Now, I know that this may come across as annoying to you, but I say it
because I love you and I care. I am fairly certain that you're
dealing with some depression and anxiety. Of course, no one should
feel that way, but especially not you: you have a good job, a family
that loves and cares about you, a lot of great friends, and a lot of
talents and skills. Feeling empty when you have that kind of life is
a sign that something is wrong within.
I really, really think you should see someone. For just an hour a
week, you could feel so much better about everything, because I think
you need some perspective. I'm not even saying that you have to be
satisfied with your life; there are certainly things you could change
to make things better. Maybe you could take up a sport, form a band,
travel more. Maybe you could start consulting people financially or
write a book. Maybe you could start going to more VIP events with
Hadschi and meeting more people.
But I think that seeing a professional counselor would be a good way
to keep track of this. You may not get anything out of it and, after
a few weeks, decide to stop. But I think it'd be a good place to
start.
As for us, I don't think I'm the problem in your life that has made
you unhappy, but maybe I am. I just know that when you did pickup you
still had low moments because you missed [your ex-girlfriend] and wanted her back. I
don't think your life was so much better, but maybe it was. That's
for you to know.
It says volumes, though, that when you felt so agitated and angry at
life, you decided that the thing that had to be changed was me. Maybe
that's because it was the easiest thing to do, but I don't think
that's entirely it. For some reason, you think I have placed some
restrictions on you. There is nothing I can do to convince you that
this isn't true, that you are free to your adventures and your
independent life as long as you are with me.
Truly, there are so many shades of my relationship with [an ex I never talked about in LJ before] in this
that it's unbelievable. All the way down to his dumping me when he
felt commitment pressures and then his needing time to reconsider that
he dumped me. Although I believe that we could be so happy together
if you solved your own emotional problems, it's much easier for you to
blame me and make drastic changes in your social life, feel energized
by the changes for a while until you decide that something else is
needed (at that point, maybe it's a girlfriend), and then you change
again. There's nothing wrong with living that way but it never
tackles the root cause of the problem, which is that you are
unjustifiably unhappy with yourself and feel entitled to some
Hollywood ideal lifestyle that you've never had. I am certainly not
the one caught up in a fairytale and certainly not the one who needs a
dose of reality, even though you've accused me of that throughout our
relationship.
I would like to think that I have offered you a loving relationship
with some adventures and a lot of care and fun. And even if I have
succeeded in that, it is not what you need at the moment.
I guess it's time for us to end our relationship and you to figure out
what it is that you need and want out of life. Realistically need and
want. Just saying "adventure" doesn't mean anything, and I wanted to
get to that last night when I asked you about your goals. I mean,
what do you envision? Are you jumping out of helicopters shooting
semi-automatic weapons at bad guys? Are you on stage, playing your
music in front of adoring fans? Are you a man with many lovers and no
obligation to any of them? If so, what are you doing to achieve these
goals?
I think that the goal you must want is to be the lover. The closest
you came to that didn't make you happy, and you sought a
girlfriend--me--to fill the emptiness. That suggests to me that I am
not the problem and once you are free of me, you'll realize my worth
to you. But I can't prove that to you now.
So, I guess that your unrealistic expectations of life and your
depression will force us to part. I hope that now you are able to
find what makes you happy. Don't bury yourself in pickup or video
games. Seek the help you need. Maybe it will save your next
relationship or, more importantly, make you feel better about
yourself.
Love,
Kate
The only thing left to do is to change my status to "single" on Facebook. I thought I'd wait until he responded, but maybe that's allowing him too much control. Besides, taking some time for ourselves doesn't mean we have to be broken up forever, if telling ourselves that helps us both to get past the pain. But I'm sick of all the blame. I'd like to think that if I were unhappy, I wouldn't lash out at the person who loved me most, but that may have been exactly what happened to end my relationship with Leon. In the end, though, it was better for him and this should be better for both me and Chris.
At 5:30 this afternoon, my boss tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the phone (he was on another line so he didn't say anything). I was expecting one of my directors but instead I was met with that thick Austrian accent.
Chris called my boss, people. I am so embarrassed.
He also contacted Leon and Caroline. Leon told him that he hadn't talked to me, and I don't think Caroline responded. What's kind of funny is that Chris actually thought they'd report back faithfully to him. Please. Leon and Caroline are loyal to me, as they've been in my life for 8-9 years. Leon's never met Chris, and Caroline's only been around him a handful of times. He asks them for something pertaining to me? They're going to ask me what to do about it.
Anyway, once Chris had me on the phone, he said that he was so worried that something happened to me and that he couldn't sleep last night. I told him that I am no longer his business and asked when he will change his status on Facebook. Now I wish I could remember how he answered that, because I thought he said "maybe we won't have to" but he probably said "we'll talk about it," which means nothing. He wants to talk to me tonight on Skype after he gets in from going out with a friend for a "man talk." Which could be anything but is none of my business.
I am having a movie night with Caroline and another girl, but I should be home by his suggested Skype time.
I just really don't see the point in talking to him, though. It will only be painful. Much as seeing David again would be painful. And pointless. There is nothing to be gained from talking to these men again--they have made it clear that they don't want me and also that they're no good for me.
He wants the talk he tried to have with me last night. The "let's not end this angry at each other" talk. That was something he said on Skype. I will be angry if I want to be.
This morning, I put on a pair of pants that I bought at Old Navy in August 2007. When I bought them, I didn’t try them on at the store because they were only $7, and I thought I knew my size but they were awfully tight so I never wore them. They fit perfectly now. And, of course, be aware that August 2007 was when I had lost 40-some pounds on my last diet. So I’ve passed my low from before.
I think I may put up some before and after photos (not so much an “after” as “in progress,” but still), and I’ll even do what no one ever does when they’re dieting: I’ll post flattering befores and unflattering afters, so that you can see that even at my best, I didn’t look nearly as good as I do now at my worst. Is that terrible of me to say? Whatever, it’s true. And if I did unflattering befores and flattering afters, you’d swear I lost 100 pounds. The difference is quite something.
David emailed me that he will be back in Prague on Thursday. I doubt I’ll see him before I take a three-day weekend in Vienna to be with Chris, but I’ll certainly see him when I’m back and I’m curious to know if he can tell how much I’ve lost. It’s only 8.5 pounds since he last saw me so probably not, but Chris has noticed a difference.
I talked to Leon on Skype and he wondered if the reason I’m losing weight so much faster this time is because of the lure of David’s love. Actually, it isn’t. I’m pretty convinced at this point that he doesn’t get to have me, thin or fat. But I feel like I accepted a challenge from him and I want to show him that I can do it. I want to lose these 40 pounds this year, so that I don’t look like a total failure. Dieting is a lot easier to spoil when you keep it to yourself but once you proclaim your intentions, you want to prove that you can do it. All goals are that way, and David will see that I’ve got what it takes to follow through. Apparently, what’s motivating me isn’t really his love; it’s his respect and approval. Also, my own. Oh, and the thought that if I lose the weight, I will have no more excuses for why people don’t take to me and aren’t attracted to me and why life is hard. I’m taking away my own safety net.
It seems heartless to write about anything else, but I want to address the concerns that I’ve started my latest diet for the wrong reason. Rest assured that I can see your point of view, and I am trying hard not to expect anything from David. Quite honestly, I can’t imagine losing enough weight for him to consider me dateable. The next time that he and I talk, I may just ask him how much weight he foresees me losing, but, even without asking, I can imagine that his idea would have me at least 50 pounds lighter (even if he doesn’t realize that’s just how much it needs to be), and even if I lost the completely unrealistic 2 pounds a week, that’d take me 6 months. And that wouldn’t leave much time for dating, as he’s planning to leave Prague at the end of the year—that came up in the diet conversation:
He said, “If you lost some weight, I’d like for you to be my girlfriend,” and then asked something like, “Does that excite you?”
My response was to ask for the logistics, because I thought he was leaving Prague in a couple of months. He said he plans to extend his stay until the end of 2009, if he can continue to keep his free apartment. Still, though, it’s going to take me too long.
Anyway, I don’t think that my mistake in this matter is that I am improperly motivated. Anything that will excite me about exercising and losing weight is a good thing. It’s sort of like the idea that a good deed done for the wrong reason is still a good deed. No, what’s misguided about this is that I have already felt my prior attachment to David returning, and it’s worrisome. He’s almost mine, but not quite; I do one thing, and he could be mine. But he’s still considering himself single (hell, I still have a boyfriend), and, until I’ve dropped an enormous amount of weight, he’ll probably still pursue other women. (And I have noted that his revelation about my date-ability came right after I told him that I’m in an open relationship, and I have a feeling that he will want that same arrangement for himself, so dating David probably wouldn’t be an improvement on my current situation.)
I open myself up to get hurt, but I am also motivated and remembering all those times in my life that I thought that the only reason I was undesirable was my weight. I am full of flaws but people are more forgiving of those things if you’re thin and beautiful. Why can’t I just do this one thing that I’ve wanted so much and for so long?
I ordered one of the books that David suggested, but it’ll take a while to arrive, so I looked for random diet books in a second-hand English bookshop today during my lunch but didn’t find any. I made a doctor’s appointment for Friday morning and I will ask if I can be referred to a dietician and ask about testing my thyroid (like she wanted to do months before, because I think it was enlarged). And I’m going to a new gym today with Caroline.
This all could flop; almost every time I’ve set out to lose weight, I’ve lost motivation and given in to my slothful, gluttonous tendencies. But this time, I really want it. I just have to be able to stick to it even if David realizes that he can have the hot, thin girlfriend without going through all of this. If that happens, my natural inclination would probably be to bury my face in a piece of meringue pie.
Ok, a whole pie. Several pies. But perhaps I can use his support and motivation and come out of this with someone who loves me for me, at any size. Actually, Chris is that kind of guy. Maybe if I lose some weight and he betters himself as he thinks he can with this open relationship, we’ll come out of this as a happier, closer couple.
But, the most likely outcome is that I’ll lose 10 pounds and give up. David will replace me and I’ll be devastated. And I will finally be fed up enough with Chris to find some other European putz to pass the time with.
Last night, I randomly ran into Ali, a former friend of Fouad’s, and so we went to a nearby kavarna where he bought me a pot of tea and we caught up. The most interesting thing to come out of this conversation was Ali admitting that he had lied to cover up Fouad cheating (or nearly cheating) on me. This was something that I always suspected, but now I know it is true.
So, you know how there are always those situations in your life that you feel you’re going to have to wonder about forever? I just found out the answers to two of them in less than a week: why The Scotsman stopped talking to me and whether Ali lied for Fouad. Kudos to me.
There were a few things in my conversation with Ali that made it difficult to tell how Fouad must’ve felt about me, but I definitely got the feeling that Fouad was using me and would’ve dumped me as soon as he was able to milk me for everything that he needed. I just dumped him before he was able to do that. Rock on.
But I’m feeling pretty bad about myself lately. I’m definitely having a low, and it’s the kind of experience where I amaze myself by functioning in every day life. I half have the feeling that nothing matters and there is no point to doing anything while the other half of me recognizes the need to keep moving forward in the event that I pull through this. And we all know I will. But it’s hard to see that now.
Anyway, I was motivated to update because I was reading Leon’s blog and saw that he wrote this:
” The biggest thing I've learned from this is that I do after all have strength and standards, and I'm capable of rejecting people. It wasn't previously obvious that was true--after all, I married the first woman who expressed an interest in me.”
I know that Leon does not mean to insult me and is merely ruminating on that crazy decision that he and I made to get married when we hadn’t ever dated anyone else. But still it got me thinking. Look at the men I’ve dated:
1. The one who was incapable of rejecting me.
2. The one who viewed me as a baby machine who could give him a family life after he frittered away his youth as a party boy.
3. The one who used me for money and a possible US green card (like that was ever going to happen).
4. The one who wouldn’t let me be there for him when he was sick and simply ceased to exist.
5. The one who told me, on our first date, that I needed to lose at least 30 pounds.
6. The one I am dating now who escapes this.
And then more than one who only saw my worth as someone to sleep with.
I chatted very briefly with The Scotsman last night and I was talking about this, and he sounded like my mother in his advice, which was to move on and not dwell on these things. And as much as I find that kind of advice annoying, it is actually quite right. Why must I continue to feel sorry for myself because I had a boyfriend who cheated on me? I need to let it go.
But this clarity is probably the result of that Klonopin I took with my lunch so perhaps I’ll just ride that out for the rest of the evening. Ah, normalcy.
But first, the less incredible (but still interesting) one.
Yesterday after yoga, Caroline and I had a couple of beers and I naturally used this time to discuss my relationship with Chris. She complained slightly about how she doesn’t like how cocky and arrogant Chris is, and then she stated that I only ever date extremely confident men—each more confident than the last. And she’s absolutely right.
Well, there are a few exceptions to this, but those are exceptions that she never met: Scottish Chris was not cocky but Scottish Chris never met Caroline. Also, David wasn’t over-confident but the argument could be made that we never dated. Plus, again, Caroline never met David.
So, of my five boyfriends that Caroline has met, all of them were confident on an increasing scale, with Leon being the sort of confident that is normal and desirable in a strong male and not at all off putting while (Austrian) Chris is the most arrogant of all. Or, at least, he is capable of coming across as the most arrogant of all. I see his flaws and his insecurities, but he can project cockiness like you would not believe.
Anyway, Caroline said that I should date a humble man. And I found her observation and advice incredibly interesting.
I was thinking that I’m probably very attracted to these strong, cocky men because I’m a very insecure, weak person and their strength is what draws me to them. I want to feel protected, and confident men make me feel as though I am protected. This might also have something to do with the reason why I find it impossible to be single. I have this need to be around a strong person, and I choose for that strong person to be my boyfriend.
So, the humble men of my past: David and Scottish Chris. David is sort of my friend, I guess, but we will never date. And Scottish Chris faded into the mist after he had a brain tumor. Well, if blocking me on Facebook counts as fading into the mist. Feel free to read back on the “Chris” tag if you want details of our past.
Anyway, I decided today that I would email Scottish Chris but then I considered that he probably blocked my email address and I didn't want to go to the trouble of writing an email if it would never be read. So, instead I called him.
Four rings and then I hung up. I didn’t want it to go into voicemail.
And then my phone rang, and it was him. I answered and said hello. “Hello; who is this?” he said--the first time I had heard his voice in roughly 10 months. And I didn’t know what to say at that point so I just said “Oh, I’m sorry…” and then there was silence on both sides before the line went dead.
Obviously he had deleted my number and the country code didn’t immediately tip him off that it was me, but once he heard my voice, he hung up.
So I texted him, saying, “If I send you an email, would you read it?” And then there was silence. Hours of silence.
Finally, he texted me back: “It was a hard thing I did but it was better for you. Your [sic] just young and the last thing you needed was someone who was ill. It was hard for me to do that to you but it was better for you to think that I was a bastard.”
At last. After so many months of wondering what happened--why he stopped communicating with me, I now know that it was nothing that I did. I honestly thought that I must have said something that offended him and I replayed our last few conversations over and over again in my head. But it turns out that he wanted to protect me. I think it was a terrible and extremely hurtful decision, of course, but at least now I know why he did it. I texted back to say that I don't think he's a bastard, and he responded to suggest that we chat on MSN if I would like.
Yes, I would like. I would like to know that he is ok and to understand better what happened between us. Beyond that, I don’t know. Could we be friends? It’s possible. But maybe all we need is a chat or two on MSN and all will feel better and resolved. I already feel better. I feel as though a wrong has been righted, and it is such a tremendous relief.
The nut of the conversation was that he has feelings for me and it hurt him when I emailed him on Tuesday to say that he needs to be more accepting and loving. (His response to that was “Yes, I do.”) He said that he was being stupid, possibly getting too comfortable in our relationship to the point that he was taking it for granted. He said he almost lost me and he doesn’t want that. He is very sorry for what happened, for making me cry, all of it. He does not want it to happen again.
He implied that we’re going to have a conversation in person, and the implication was that it’s about Love. I think he is going to tell me that he wants our relationship to be built on love and that he wants to be in this for the long haul and so on. Maybe he’ll finally say “I love you.” A few nights ago, I dreamt that he did, and I woke up immediately, feeling like something magical had happened to me.
After this conversation, we had a conference call on Skype with Leon and his brother Sam, and the four of us played Guild Wars (an online RPG) together. I really enjoyed it and hope that we can do it again in the near future.
And today I am incredibly excited about seeing him. He’ll be here in about four hours, and I cannot wait. I feel like everything is resolved, and while I’m still a bit anxious about giving him a great birthday, I think the weekend will be fun even if it’s not his Bestest Birthday EVAR!!!!
I introduced him and Leon last night in a Skype conference call. I did this in part because Chris was curious about Leon but also because I figured that Leon would offer us a few words of wisdom. I know that I have a strange relationship with my ex-husband—asking him to school me and my current boyfriend—but it is what it is. Dirk also weighed in on it when I talked to him a couple of nights ago. I told him that I was planning to have a Skype call with Leon because I knew that Leon had just had a really great first date and I wanted to hear details and give him someone to squee with.
Dirk said, “Wait a minute. Your ex-husband is going to call you to talk about a great date? Ooookay.”
But I know that Dirk understands, because he maintains close relationships with some of his exes. Just this past Saturday, he took one of them to a ball and he will do the same with another ex-girlfriend in a couple of weeks.
Anyway, Chris and Leon got along well and I’m hoping that we can all play an online role-playing game together in the near future. Actually, we may even do that tomorrow on Thanksgiving/Chris’ 30th birthday. Leon has suggested bringing in his brother Sam to make a four-person team, and I’m all for it, provided Sam isn’t too weirded out by interacting with his ex-sister-in-law and her new boyfriend. Personally, I see nothing wrong with it.
For now, I want to write about one relatively small component of the weekend and of our relationship. That component is love.
Aww.
Actually, it's not so "aww" because neither of us has said it yet. But I'm about 95% certain that he's in love with me, but he doesn't want to be the first to say it. I don't want to be the first to say it either, but for a different reason.
I have been in about five relationships in which the L word was mentioned. In only one of those relationships (with Leon, actually, if you're curious) was I the first to say it. In all the others, I think it came out of the other person's mouth too soon.
In three of those cases, it was viewed as Not A Big Deal, as something completely casual. In the fourth, I knew it was coming because he told me that he had something he wanted to say to me. And it made me uncomfortable. All of these situations made me uncomfortable, because I was not in love with any of them when they first said it. Was I supposed to say it back? Say "thank you"? Smile and nod politely?
What should have been a beautiful moment in our relationship was awkward and uncomfortable and that is why I am waiting with Chris. I will say it when I think he wants to hear it back. Also, I am trying to make sure that it's what I feel for him. I'm generally of the "you just know" opinion when it comes to being in love, but I had very strong feelings about a certain someone not too long ago (gee, who was that?) and, while it was reminiscent of love, it was not actually love.
But I will be the first to say it with Chris, because I know he won't say it first. It has to do with his attempts to be "cool," like I explained in that dog tail wagging analogy a few posts back. And I don't care that I will be first; I'm just pacing myself and ensuring that it will be well received on his end. I'd say all signs point to yes on that one.
He and I have been talking a lot about mature and immature views of relationships, and he thinks I need to grow up a bit in this regard. He's probably right. Anyway, I took this to mean that he thinks I have an immature view of love, so I asked him, when I finally tell him that I love him, will it not mean anything to him because my views of love are immature?
This is when he explained to me that he thinks my views of love are mature; I only need to grow up in terms of relationships.
"Oh, ok," I said.
Silence.
"Why do you ask?" he said. "Is that just a hypothetical question?"
And I explained why I asked and then said yes, it was hypothetical.
"...Oh," he said.
Right before I went with him to the train station yesterday to send him back to Vienna, we were talking about promises--specifically, I asked that he "promise" that he would do something. He joked that he is incapable of forming the words "I promise."
"Ok, sure, whatever" was my response.
Then he asked if there were any other combination of words that I thought he'd never say, and I know he meant "I love you."
I told him no. Because I know that he will eventually say it. After I say it.
And as affectionate, caring, and considerate as he is, I don't care that he hasn't said it yet. We'll get there, possibly when I'm in Vienna two weekends from now.
Here's the only photo from this weekend that I've put on Flickr:
I'll get the rest up soon, but this is possibly my favorite anyway. Well, it's a shit picture of me but he looks great. We went to lunch on Saturday with Amy, and here I am holding Emmy while Chris puts away a quesadilla. I think he's so handsome. Sigh.
I am sad about it, of course, but I completely respect his decision.
I might put it to use in the coming days as I think about Louis. For the few of you who don't read Leon's blog, his guinea pig Louis (formerly, our guinea pig Louis) is probably going to die soon. I support whatever decision that Leon makes because I know that he has already given the matter great thought, and I certainly don't envy the position that he is in.
Leon put Louis on his webcam last night so that I could see (and hear) him for, presumably, the last time. I cried, of course.
I know that Leon has been an excellent owner (and pig daddy) over the last five years. I asked him to make sure that Louis is comfortable and given lots of attention in his last days, but there was really no need for me to say that. I already know that Leon will be wonderful, because he always has been.
Louis has been a lucky pig with lots of attention and care, a huge cage, and companionship. Even though he often seemed like a curmudgeonly little fart, he had to have been happy--in whatever capacity a guinea pig can be, at least.
I love him, of course. He has been a damn good pig.
Last night, we talked until 3 AM. He got a bit goofy and started singing somewhere around 2. A bit later, he grabbed one of his guitars and serenaded me with Frank Sinatra's "Something Stupid."
I can see it in your eyes, that you despise the same old lies
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you, for me it's true
It never seemed so right before
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late
And I'm alone with you
The time is right your perfume fills my head, the stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: "I love you"
Oh, my. Swoon!
That marked the first time I've ever had the urge to throw my panties at my computer monitor.
...Which, if Leon were any witness, would've been remarkably easy. I webcam called him before Chris to test my new camera, and Leon burst out laughing because he didn't think I was wearing any pants. The easier to toss my skivvies, Leon!
Anyway, Chris said that he missed me and asked if I was okay with seeing each other every two weeks. That sounds good to me: once a month I go to Vienna and once a month he comes to Prague. He suggested that this would work for a while, and then we could start playing with our vacation time. He said something like, "I'm not going to fly anywhere," which I first interpreted as a statement that he doesn't want to travel.
"But what about Greece?" I said.
"Ah, yes, of course, I want to go to Greece with you!" And he kept explaining until it was apparent that he simply means he doesn't intend to travel somewhere without me. His vacation time can be for us.
Hooray!
...I am really fucking happy. He will be here in just two days; I will have a three-day weekend in two weeks and will go to Vienna. And back and forth like this. I'm so excited about everything that perhaps I'll toss my panties into the air just for the hell of it.
Tonight, I will have some sort of chicken broth soup for dinner, because I think that sounds delicious and not as carbohydrate-loaded as what I've been eating. Plus, I'm hoping that at least one of the persimmons I bought yesterday will be ripe enough to eat.
I remember the first time that Leon and I tried a persimmon, and we both shrugged our shoulders about them, thinking they were nothing special. But, last fall, I decided to try them again and couldn't get enough. I was very sad when the season was over and they were no longer stocked.
This year, I've been scouring the grocery stores for them, and I have to believe there is some sort of persimmon shortage because they don't seem nearly so widely available as last year. That, or everyone is as crazy about these delicious orange fruits as I am and every store can't keep them stocked for more than a couple of hours.
Regardless, my plan is to eat as many as possible until the season is over. I'm sure this won't leave me feeling sluggish at all.
The other main component of my lethargy is undoubtedly one of my two antidepressants. I haven't been taking it religiously and now I am facing the consequences of that decision. I'll pop one tonight with my chicken broth dinner, but it'll take a while before I feel the effects of that.
Finally, yes, part of my sadness is due to Chris. I miss him, of course, but I feel good about us and I know that my feelings about him are really only a small part of this overall mood. If I start eating better (and exercising, even) and medicating myself properly and I still feel this way, then I can blame love sickness. For now, though, I think it's entirely and easily remedied.
But then tax time came and that’s when we realized that Leon’s social security number was still on my so-called account. ETrade had, unfortunately, not put the joint account in my name. It was still a joint account, so Leon contacted them and asked for this to be corrected. But since six months had passed since we sent our notarized letter, they said they could not do anything about it without us sending a new notarized letter.
At this point, I decided that opening an individual account and transferring the funds might be easier than getting them to take my now ex-husband’s name off of an account, so I opened a new account and called ETrade to see if they would transfer everything from an account that still had my name (and Leon’s) on it into a new account. They were very nice, and, understandably, they would not do this. So they asked me if I could get Leon to send a notarized letter to transfer the funds into my account.
At this point, Leon called them and made this same request.
And this is when ETrade fucked up. Well, they fucked up initially by not executing our letter fully. And then it was a bit presumptuous of them to ask that I get a notarized letter from my ex-husband authorizing something that had already been authorized. What would have happened if he hadn’t been cooperative? I would have to get a lawyer? I’m sure ETrade would love to pay my legal expenses.
No, but this is minor compared to what they did next. Next, they took all of the money out of the former joint/should-be-mine account and PUT IT IN LEON’S ACCOUNT.
Again, do they realize how big of a fuck up this is? At this point, Leon could’ve sent a big “fuck you” to me and not done a damn thing. Kept all of our savings from the three years we invested together. It could have been a HUGE pain in the ass to get that sorted out, and I doubt ETrade has any idea just how badly they screwed up. Of course, I also don’t think they care since we’re not talking about millions of dollars here.
Anyway, those of you who read my blog know that Leon is a great guy, so he of course got this sorted out. Supposedly, at this time, one year after we initially tried to separate our finances, they should now be completely separate. I need to log into ETrade from home and verify this, and then I will send Leon some money I owe him from his taxes and then we no longer have any financial obligation to each other.
Then again, I might log into ETrade tonight only to discover that it is possible for ETrade to screw up YET AGAIN. Seriously, I don't want these people handling my money. Just imagine if your bank took all of your money and put it into the account of a person who, traditionally, would be your biggest foe.
I'm a lucky girl to get this resolved--assuming that it is, and we know that's an awfully big assumption.
Anyway, my birthday was nice. I had lunch with my friend Amy and dinner and ice cream with Kosta. Yes, I know what I said about Kosta before, but he’s turning out to be a good friend. There’s still some awkwardness between us but it’s otherwise good. I also got calls from Dirk, Caroline, and my family. And then some emails, like from Leon, whose message was especially nice.
I was planning to go to London this past weekend but I ended up rescheduling my flights. But I do have a lot of travel lined up. I’ve got my week in Spain with my parents, and that’s coming up in about 10 days. Then in August, I’m spending five days in Germany with Dirk, and then the following weekend I’m heading to the UK (not London, though) to visit a friend who I met in June when he vacationed here in Prague. And then I’m planning to do London in September.
Can you tell I’ve got my visa now? I’m all clear to travel, and so I shall.
My entire family relayed the news to me over Skype. At first, I thought it was sweet that they were all there, crowding around the webcam. But then my Aunt Val, who was apparently chosen as messenger, told me.
And it just seemed completely surreal. I knew he wouldn't live much longer--he'd been having terrible health problems the last few years, stemming from a bad liver (stemming from a lifetime of fatty foods--not alcohol). Eventually it spread everywhere--causing fluid to build in his lungs and his kidneys to shut down.
His doctor told my mom and grandma yesterday morning that he would probably die that day, so they were both there when it happened, along with my aunt and my sister. All of his girls, except for me, of course.
I won't bother telling you how selfish I feel for not wanting to fly 12-14 hours each way or pay the thousand dollars to see my family for Christmas, especially when I knew--I knew--he wouldn't live to see another and that it was a gift for me to have the opportunity to see him once more. But I didn't go.
And now I'll never see him again.
I wish I could tell you beautiful things about what an amazing man he was, because he was perhaps the greatest, most admirable man in my life (he thought very highly of Leon, whose own greatness is the sole reason I add the "perhaps"). But I could never do him justice, so I won't try.
I will only say that he was a good man, and I loved him very much. I will miss him.
This is Lenka, me, and Caroline. The way I'm sticking out my chest is really unflattering, especially beside such petite girls, but I'm posting this photo anyway because I adore these two.
EDIT: Leon verified that I look really fat in this picture. Ugh.
Caroline with Jirka.
Melissa, whose birthday was last week.
About half of the guests were people I had never met before, but they were all sinfully gorgeous. Seriously, Caroline has the most attractive friends I've ever seen! Just look:
It's hard not to feel like a cow amidst so many beauties, but I think I walked away with some self confidence. I'm not sure if the conversation I had with Caroline helped or not--a conversation about how I "look sooooo much better now" in comparison to two years and forty pounds ago. She assured me that she never thought I looked bad before but looking back on it is pretty...wow.
I do know what she means, and if I ever lose 50 pounds, I intend to do a before and after post. Of course, you could just look back at old photos if you want to make the comparison on your own.
And I'm too lazy to post my weight loss ticker right now, but I've lost about 47 lbs. as of today.
- Music:Jim Broadbent - "Like a Virgin"
That said, I am rather unnerved by how unstable my relationship with him is. Actually, "unstable" isn't the right word. I mean, yes, the Jameloya sex SMS fiasco justifies the term "unstable," but I'm not referring to the Jameloya drama. I'm referring more to a feeling of instability in regard to how Fouad sees and treats me. It would seem that his opinion changes almost daily.
But first, I guess it's been ten days without an argument. One of the reasons for this is a change in my attitude. It finally dawned on me that constantly picking fights with him wasn't going to resolve the Jameloya problem. That problem, for me, wasn't about him cheating. It was about not knowing if he cheated.
Admittedly, his excuses were weak, but, during Fight Week, I gave him excellent opportunities to change his story and he never once took my bait. So either he's a great liar or he was telling the truth. And as conclusive as that SMS would seem to most people, it wasn't enough for me, so I had to let it go. I figure that if he's a cheater, he'll cheat again and he'll get caught. But constantly bringing up Jameloya did nothing, and I let it go.
Of course, if he is a cheater, I want to expedite his cheating and getting caught, so I have done something unimaginably shady.
When he first started dating me, Fouad was big into chat programs and was signed up to, like, 5 different matchmaker services (ugh). As far as I can tell, he doesn't use the matchmaker sites any longer and he chats largely with friends in Algeria, but, still, I decided to send him a brief but suggestive inquiry via email, alluding to one of his matchmaker profiles. If he responds, it will tell me everything I need to know about the situation.
Now, I know this is pretty psycho and extreme, but I want something to either give me some confidence in him or the confidence to dump him already. Besides, this isn't something I would ordinarily do but his behavior warrants the unprecedented.
Brief aside: I had some trust issues with Leon in the first six months (give or take) of our relationship--issues that are now quite laughable. It was a combination of not knowing him well enough to know that he would absolutely never, ever cheat and thinking that he was so completely amazing that, surely, every female who crossed his path must want him for her very own.
I know that I'm a very jealous person but I never would've performed such a silly stunt for Leon because, aside from my own silly neuroses, there was never any reason to question his fidelity. Fouad is obviously another matter.
Anyway, I sent this inquiry about 48 hours ago but he hasn't seen it yet, so, while I am pleased that he hasn't responded, it means nothing at this point.
...And that little matchmaker/email/To-Catch-a-Predator plot would be instability on my part. On his part, I wish that his attitude towards me would never waiver, but some days (like today), he has little to no interest in me while on others, he seems completely in love with me. Earlier in the week, he called me at work and greeted me like a puppy dog when I returned home. It was like he really missed me while I was gone, and he followed me from one room to the next and looked at me with sad eyes when I closed the door on him so that I could go to the bathroom.
On those days, I don't question his fidelity. But it's the other days that unnerve me. And while most people would shrug off the differences as fluctuations in mood (and not in devotion), that requires a level of trust that I don't have in him.
And so it was I who followed him, like a puppy dog, to the door tonight to wish him well during his night shift at the pizzeria. He kissed me with a seeming disinterest and said "ciao" as he scurried away.
"Ciao," I said, into the darkness of the hallway.
- Music:Chopin - "Fantasie Impromptu"
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