I felt really good yesterday. I got 12 hours of sleep the night before, and when I talked to Kev during the day, I told him that I wasn’t tired, stressed, sick, or sad about some man. I felt the way, I imagine, I should feel.

And then I totally fucking spoiled it by looking at the Facebook profile of Chris’ best friend on which he posted a photo of Chris at a pub, sitting next to a pretty woman. Said pretty woman could be the interest of Chris’ best friend or, judging by her expression, she may not even be having a very good time. But it really really hurt my heart to see that. I took Chris’ best friend off my Facebook friends list. He and Chris have been going out a lot lately and he posts mobile pictures from his iPhone so if I really want to suffer, I can watch them enjoying themselves in real time.

Also, Chris uninvited me for the weekend. Which is good because I wouldn’t have gone—I can’t see him and I have a date tonight. But I wondered if I was uninvited because he has a date with this pretty woman. Chris has invited me to visit him NEXT weekend. I will be in the UK.

I am going to make the biggest effort yet to not speak to him again. It has been two months since he dumped me and I haven’t shed tears over him in a couple of weeks, I think. I no longer entertain ideas of us getting back together. At the moment, I want him to think I’m amazing and regret dumping me. And I think he does, on some level. But it’ll never be everything I want it to be and I really need to let it go.

I thought I was far beyond the kind of hurt that photo made me feel. I’m feeling better today. I just need to make sure that I don’t have a lot of alone time where I get tempted to text him (which I haven’t done in quite a while, actually) or get on Skype to chat with him. Tonight I will see Zak, and tomorrow I hope to go out with friends. Also, I should look for a Halloween costume because I was invited to a party that I’d really like to attend. Also, the hash is Sunday. And possibly next week I can start looking for a gym. I was down almost half a pound this morning, but I’ll wait until next week to record it.

At the moment, though, I want to feel normal for more than a day. Maybe better than normal. Tonight I am hoping to wrap a blanket around me and Zak, watch a movie, and enjoy the company of someone who has been nothing but kind. I’m sure, though, it’s too early for that kind of coziness, so maybe a dinner and drinks is better. Sigh.

I feel much better today. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon, and then I got a good night’s sleep.

Also, Zak texted me. He asked how the last-minute conference organizing is going, and he updated me on his trip to Slovakia, which is where he is now and where he’ll be until Friday He had already told me this, and that, along with my trip to Copenhagen, made it obvious that we would not meet again for a while.

But I guess he’s still interested in me. The question now is whether I’m interested in someone who is so busy. But I needn’t worry about that now.

I talked to Chris last night. He was down in the dumps, because he’s in trouble at work. I think he must’ve been really dickish to someone in an effort to get “more power” and that person formally complained. Now Chris might be facing disciplinary action; he’ll know in a week, which suggests it’s serious, because there must be a meeting scheduled about it. I have no idea, really, what he did, but I have trouble imagining his getting fired over one instance. Especially when said instance happened at least a week ago, meaning it wasn’t such a big deal that it needed to be handled immediately.

Anyway, he said some things that I found irritating—his usual pickup/seduction crap—but he was open and sad enough that he revealed that he’s not been on a date since we broke up nor has he slept with anyone. He’s having trouble staying in a “set,” which basically means that he’s approaching women and being quickly shot down. He blames his weight gain (although, honestly, I’ve looked at the photos of us from when we first met and he was not that much thinner) and his losing his game. He hopes to get laid by the end of the year.

He seemed really pathetic. It’s this or his cocky bullshit. He used to be so fun. He’s destroying himself.

And he’s started drinking again. He made it a couple of months; at least that’s something. But he’s an alcoholic who needs help, and that is not for me to deal with. I tried to help him, and we all see where that got me.

Not! My! Problem!

Tonight I run my very last errands and then pack my bag for Copenhagen, because I’m going to try to leave my apartment by 5:30 am. I wish I were already back.

I cried this morning while getting ready for work and nearly cried last night while I was chatting with Kev on MSN. Just remarkably unhappy. I’m not sure I should go to London to see him in a few weeks, as planned. Our friendship is possibly not healthy, but it’s hard for me to imagine giving it up: he’s a nice guy, he listens to me, he makes me laugh, but I still have a crush on him and nothing will ever come of that.

Plus, he brought up yesterday for at least the third time since I’ve known him that he thinks I should be more outgoing. Which feels a lot like having someone who is nearly perfect telling me why I'm not. It does not feel good.

Also, he has offered to find me a decent man to date, which is sweet, but hurts a bit, because I want him. Of course, he’s not available. So talking to him yesterday was not unlike being punched in the stomach repeatedly. Or having something I want dangled in front of me while I am chastised and told that I cannot have that thing I want and why I am undeserving of it.

I have a feeling I will not see Zak again. For some reason, I started thinking about this Lithuanian guy I had a single date with back in the summer of 2008 and how I texted with said Lithuanian guy multiple times after that date. And every time, the conversation was initiated by me. Every time, he texted back several responses and was witty and charming and friendly. But after about the third time of texting him, I finally understood that I would not be seeing him again and that he was just not that into me. It isn’t quite the same with Zak because he initiated text messages after dates 1 and 2. But he hasn't initiated any contact since date 3. It seems evident that if I do not write to him again, he will not make any effort to contact me. If I write to him, he’ll respond because he is polite. I may even get a 4th date out of it, but that doesn’t mean he’s into me—just polite.

And so, as I think I’ve stated before, I’ve made it clear to him that I am interested and texted him after date 3. The ball is in his court.

I talked to Caroline about some of these things—specifically my crush on Kev and my desire to have a boyfriend. She implied that I shouldn’t date but it sounded different than the advice I’ve received on here—not that I should take some Kate time but that I should just be happy to be single and hang out with friends. As though I shouldn’t bother with it anymore. It pissed me off, actually, coming from someone with a live-in boyfriend. I want to feel loved.

Then again, last night, after talking to Kev and then talking to my high school friend Lacey who seems to have just been dumped rather cruelly by her boyfriend of one year, maybe it isn’t worth it. I don’t ever want to feel again like she’s feeling right now nor do I want to feel like Kev is making me feel. I wish I weren’t so needy.

In five days, I'll be in Copenhagen. In nine days, I'll be on my way back and it'll be over. I cannot wait for it to be over. I still have a few more items that I need to purchase before I go, including dress shoes, possibly a coat, stockings, and maybe one or two new tops. And a dress. I may go out in a couple of hours to look for some of these things, although I should really be tied to my computer because I promised to help with some last minute arrangements. Of course, our email server is down. What to do?

I had my third date with Zak the American last night. We went out to dinner, so that ends my brief suspicion that he is like David and embarrassed to be seen with me. Three dates down and I still really like him, although I'm not used to things moving so slowly. He's too busy to see me more than once a week or once every 10 days (probably won't see him again for two weeks because he'll be in Slovakia this week and then I'm in Denmark), and it occurred to me that my entire relationship with Kosta would fit into the time period that I've known Zak. In that time, I thought I knew Kosta quite well, because we were seeing each other about five times a week.

I admit that's excessive. But it wasn't just one-on-one. He joined me on the hash; he came out with my friends; I met his best friend for drinks. And we'd meet after work for dinner a couple of nights a week. Zak doesn't have that much free time. And, so, while I was able to feel rather close to Kosta (and he fell in love with me) in about a month, I've barely established familiarity and comfort with Zak.

Last night, we didn't end up going for dinner until 9:15. This was perfect for me because I was in the office until 7:30, but that's only because of Copenhagen. I will be less busy soon, but Zak will not. And when I left his apartment this morning (shhh, don't judge me), I asked him if he could ever have a lazy day, i.e., a day of sitting on the sofa cuddling and watching movies. He has to wait until his classes end for the semester, so he could maybe schedule a lazy day in his Blackberry for December. And he still has another year of classes.

I guess that just because he is almost 40 doesn't mean he's at a place in his life where he can have a serious relationship. Age really is just a number.

Anyway, two interesting, relationship things came out in the conversation last night. First, he told me about some Czech woman that he dated back in January and how they're still good friends. He said they traveled to Norway and Sweden together in August. It made me feel a teensy bit jealous but, without prompting, he said, "But we didn't do anything together." And then clarified that there was no sex; they're just friends. He didn't need to tell me this but I am glad that he did. He wants me to know that there's no one else (of course, with his schedule, I'm not too surprised).

The second thing may have concerned this same Czech woman or possibly someone else, but he was talking about how he dated a woman with a five-year-old child but he really wasn't interested because of the kid. Which is when he made it clear to me that my being divorced is not a similar kind of deal breaker. Again, it was something he didn't need to say but I thought he was making his interest known. And I liked it.

As far as I'm concerned, there will be a date #4. I still don't really know where all of this is leading, but I'm on board. Although, let's see what happens in the next two weeks; so much can change...

Absolute emotional roller coaster tonight that I don't even want to explain. Suffice to say that it started with the news that Leon's mom is about to die and led to me feeling absolutely miserable in ways I don't understand.

I really don't know why I'm so upset; is it for Leon? For his mom? For his family? For me? For something else entirely?

Cried a lot. Thought crazy, self-sacrificing things. Texted Chris...

...Very bad.

The good news is, though, that his interest in me seems to be decreasing. He's probably miffed that he was reduced to apologizing and got no response. And so when I told him that I needed to talk to someone and asked if he and I would talk again, he said that he didn't know, because things had started easy between us and gotten complicated again.

I wrote back that we are oil and water and said I understood. I gave him what could be the last message I ever send. It almost certainly won't be but it had that tone, that gravitas.

I feel like I've lost the last month and a half since I was dumped, except that isn't true at all. I'm just overly tired, stressed, terribly sad, and lonely. Oh, and nervous as hell about the conference that's a bit more than two weeks away.

I need a good night's sleep, a massage, and maybe someone who will listen to me without expecting anything in return and without feeling put out by it. And I need to start over again because, even though I'm doing better than before, I still am falling into the old habit of coming home from work or getting up on a Saturday morning and turning on Skype. Chris is there. I block and unblock him, block and unblock him. I need to keep Skype off, maybe the computer off. I need to meet people mid-week. I need to do anything to keep him out of my head.

But for now, I'll just start with that sleep.

I hid one of Chris’ friends from my newsfeed on Facebook. Now I don’t have to see his constant stream of status and photo updates. I hid David a few days ago. I wish I’d known about this “hide” feature months ago; it makes that constant refreshing I do at Facebook infinitely less painful.

So Chris’ ultimatum: Either he comes here this weekend or we never speak again. But the American guy I had a date with last week offered up this coming Friday or Saturday for our second date. Sophia is having a party on Saturday, so I agreed to a date on Friday. Weekend full now, so no room for Chris. It’s over. I persevered. Or something.

Actually I tried to talk to Chris a bit on Sunday. I was hungover and about to head out to the store, but I asked him for five minutes. He said, “NO,” and that he didn’t want to talk to me because he was busy, and I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t give me five minutes. He said we could talk in a few days. I said that if he couldn’t give me five minutes, there was no sense in his coming for the weekend. Bitchy? Yes, especially because I knew at that point that I didn’t want him to come anyway. But he certainly got me back for it with the end of our conversation:

[16:29:20] Chris: why can't you accept that i simply don't want to talk NOW???
[16:32:17] Kate: i have
[16:32:25] Kate: it's ok
[16:32:26] Chris: i said NOW
[16:32:32] Chris: i just don't want to talk NOW
[16:32:38] Kate: it's ok
[16:32:40] Chris: why is that so hard to understand?
[16:32:43] Kate: i understand
[16:32:52] Chris: and why do you always have to escalate?
[16:33:15] Chris: can't you simply shut the fuck up and keep your drama to yourself?

I said nothing after that. He sent me two apologetic text messages later but I didn’t answer either. He’s blocked on Skype again, and it’s only a few days until the weekend and then, if he sticks to his ultimatum, he won’t talk to me again.

That Czech guy that I had the unimpressive date with a while back texted me, in Czech: “You are a pretty girl, I want you.” Today, he sent me a long message on Facebook, in Czech, about how he will only communicate with me in Czech from now on because, isn’t it sad that I’ve been here so long and I don’t speak Czech? He’s offended by it.

It seems to me like he’s just trying to make up for the fact that his English is horrible, and there’s nothing wrong with that but I’m not going to date him. I took him off my friends list. I don’t have time for that shit.

Other things: I spent most of the weekend with friends—out to dinner with Sophia, Lindsey, Jan and a few new folks on Friday, and I met Caroline and Pavlina before and after that at the unfermented wine festival. I was again at the unfermented wine festival on Saturday. One of my friends wouldn’t let me put up photos of her on Facebook because she was so embarrassingly drunk, but so was everyone (except me). Seriously, at least three of them fell over drunk. Another wandered off and couldn’t be contacted or found. One left in tears after a big fight with her boyfriend.

…Basically, a great night!

Photos from before things turned sour are here.

I feel remarkably happy.

I’m a teensy bit stressed about work, though. Three weeks from today I am flying to Copenhagen for five days. My work is hosting a conference there. I thought I had written about it here, but perhaps not. Still, I’m not going to go into a lot of detail. Some of you know that I work for a newspaper syndicate, so we’re hosting a conference, along with the Danish government, for which we’re bringing in our newspaper editors from all over the world to meet with some of our regular contributing writers as well as some other big names in politics, economics, and the climate change debate.

I’m nervous about how it’ll all work itself out and also about how I will perform in that kind of social, extremely professional environment. It’s rather new to me. Also, I still don’t know what I’m going to wear. I did buy a new black dress that will hopefully be appropriate for something. And I am required to wear this scarf/wrap thing that may dress up something that otherwise would not fit the bill. But I have three days to fill and one cocktail-esque party and I don’t know if my black dress is dressy enough for the cocktail party or if it’s more suited to day wear. Maybe I’ll model it and a couple other things I have and let you weigh in.

Also, with my weight loss, I’m pretty certain I’m going to need some new dress pants. What is most stressful about all of this is that there are only a handful of shops where I can look for clothes here. Even with the weight loss, I can’t fit into a lot of things at Czech clothing stores, despite the fact that I’m hovering around what would be considered “normal” sizes in the US.

Anyway, still happy. And three weeks to sort out a clothing dilemma should be plenty. At least I don’t have to buy a pantsuit, so my options are more plentiful than I first feared.

Tonight, I’m going to some expat-ty event with Caroline. We’re going to watch a Hedy Lamarr movie and then there’s an interview with someone following it. That should be good. I hope I’m not underdressed. I have no idea if this is some sort of snooty cocktail thing or just a bunch of people hanging out and viewing a movie. I’m in jeans. I doubt I’m the only one.

I’ve been thinking a bit more about the guy I went on a date with on Tuesday and am getting more excited to see him again. I also thought that he might actually be a good match for me, based on purely logistic reasons: he’s looking to buy a place and, presumably, at an age where he’s ready to settle down. He’s busy, which means I can still have an independent life and develop in ways that I want to, even if we’re seeing each other. And, unlike Chris, he’s not busy in ways that’ll make me jealous. No, he’s busy working two jobs (I think?), getting his third MBA, and working out like mad at the gym. And he takes Czech courses. And he does some team sports and plays golf for networking purposes. If he’s someone I can only see once or twice a week instead of every night (cling, cling, cling), I can still hang out plenty with my friends, do lots of reading, and even start writing again, as I was inspired to do in London. I think this could be the perfect compromise for a girl who likes to have a relationship but shouldn’t necessarily be in one.

But I’m getting way ahead of myself. He may not be that into me (or vice versa). We need to see each other more to figure that out. At least I’m learning about what I want. I feel really good.

Yesterday, I responded to Chris’ text messages with something like, “If you’re going to do pickup, do it on someone else.” He wrote back that he wasn’t, and then I called his techniques “Pickup 101.” He said that I was wrong, but that he was wrong about me too, thinking I would be friendly to him. And that? Pissed me off like you would not believe.

Thankfully, it was well past the end of the work day and I could go home. Immediately. I drew myself a bath when I got home and cried. I still love him, and I felt rejected all over again. I just don’t know what to do with him. I know how bad he is for me, but I still want him so much. He has the potential to make me so happy and to make me feel so warm and loved. To make me feel so valued.

I texted him to apologize for being snippy and to tell him that I would be on Skype if he wanted to talk (actually, that was pre-cry). I called him, and he sent the call to voicemail after two rings.

And so I got home, cried, and turned on my Skype, knowing he wouldn’t show up. Which is why I decided to keep the date I would’ve otherwise cancelled to have an evening in by myself. My very first date after our breakup was a big Fuck You to Chris. (Gee, I'm not really ready for a relationship yet, am I?)

As expected, Chris didn’t show up on Skype, but he texted an apology just as I was heading out. I told him I waited for him for an hour on Skype, he didn’t show, and so I was going out. I think he thought I was bluffing, but I told him that we could talk later (he wanted to know when) and out I went.

I met this Czech guy named Ales. (Everyone reading this just mentally pronounced that like the drink; it’s the Czech form of Alex.) Two years in the Czech Republic and that was my first date with a Czech. And the first time I’ve ever had a date with someone younger than me. He’s 26 but he definitely seemed young to me.

Anyway, he was sweet, but I wasn’t attracted to him in the slightest and his English was pretty bad (words I had to translate for him include “East,” at least four weekdays, and “church”). (Also, I’m living in the Czech Republic so I don’t expect Czech people to speak English but it’s sort of a requirement for a boyfriend.)

We met in Nove Mesto and walked a route somewhat similar to two other dates I’ve been on—across the Charles Bridge, up towards the Castle, through it, around the Cathedral (or “church”), and then back down into Male Strana. He was prepared for this and brought a bottle of water. I dressed for sitting in a pub and have new blisters on my feet.

At one point on our way towards the Castle, we stopped to admire the city and he rolled himself a cigarette, offering me one. I declined and stared directly down at one of the restaurants where David used to be the sommelier. Diners were seated in a dimly-lit garden and being served by suited waiters. I wanted to be there, in that world, and not at a distance, as I was at that moment. As I always was.

When we got into Mala Strana, I wanted a drink, and so I decided that we would go to a pub with a beer garden that I’ve been to a handful of times. Ales told me that he couldn’t drink because he’s on antibiotics for a week, and somehow I knew he wasn’t going to order a drink, but I was thirsty and wanted a beer.

Czech service is generally pretty bad, but never have I been treated as poorly as I was last night. I ordered my beer from a waiter who sneered at us when Ales didn’t order and then told him to put away his water bottle, which he had casually placed on the table, because “this is a restaurant.” Another waiter came and conversed with Ales in Czech. I don’t know what was said, but I wonder if they didn’t want to serve us because only I was drinking. I wished that I had ordered two beers and drunk both of them myself—they’d never have known.

When my beer came, the waiter made a big presentation of setting it down in front of me and turning it around so that the handle was on the right-hand side, making flourishes and bowing as though he had just handed me something of great value. This was not good service; it was rude.

I considered that our patronage was a hassle to them and not worth their money, but Czechs barely tip for service, so it shouldn’t matter to them, really, how much I’m spending. This is, I think, why I was actually forced out a clothing store once when there were 5 minutes left before closing and I had items I wanted to purchase IN MY HANDS. The woman who took them couldn’t have cared less if I bought them; no commission for her and what did she care about the company? “We open at 9 tomorrow morning,” she told me and refused to let me purchase them.

When my beer was half empty, that second waiter came back to make rude comments to Ales, and so I said I would pay. I took out 100 crowns (roughly $5) and he reached for his money bag. I waved my hand. “No, no, it’s ok; it's for you.” He couldn’t believe it. “You want something else?” “No, it’s ok.”

The beer was 31 crowns. A 300% tip. But only $5, mind you. He left us alone after that.

I don’t normally do things like that, but I was hoping to teach him a lesson. That $3.50 tip was probably more than he got from the next two tables full of beer-guzzling men to pay. I wanted him to consider that, just because we didn’t look like valuable customers didn't mean we were worthless. Or perhaps he’d simply feel bad for being rude. I really don’t know, but it has to be a better strategy than glaring while paying exactly 31 crowns.

I’ve only done this once before and made sure to tell Ales that this is not something I do. I was just so angry at the service. The time before was years ago, in St. Louis. I went to a Korean nail salon for a manicure, and the woman pushed me into getting a pedicure too. I wanted a pedicure, but my feet were calloused and I was embarrassed. And understandably so. When she pulled my feet out of the bath to go to work, she started chitchatting and giggling with the other women. I don’t know for certain that they were talking about me, and it’s possible I was just being paranoid, but I felt like they were.

And so, after she finished my pedicure, it was time to pay so that when my manicure was finished, I could leave even if my nails weren’t dry. I gave her a $10 tip. Again, not a ton of money but much more than is recommended for such services. And for my manicure, she didn’t say a word to the other women. No giggling or chitchatting. I was suddenly a valued customer and human being.

I don’t like dangling money in front of people as an incentive to treat others nicely, but, for some, it seems to be the only motivator.

Anyway, we left the beer garden after that and Ales and I parted near a metro/tram station. As we were saying goodbye, I could see the wheels in his head turning as he was figuring out what kind of goodbye he was entitled to. He told me I had a nice smile and leaned in for a kiss, which fell sort of halfway on my lips and halfway on my cheek. Just a peck. That was plenty, and I was home a little before midnight.

He emailed me when he got home that it was a “sweet evening” and requested to see me on Saturday.

I got on Skype and talked to Chris. Until 4 am. Lots of flirting. He wants me to visit him in Vienna this weekend. It will not happen, and I am being very clear about it. Well, I didn’t tell him that I’m not coming because I made a hair appointment and Caroline is setting the hash trail on Sunday so I intend to be here, but I was clear that we need more time apart and I don’t want to meet him unless we are both clear on what we want and what we can provide for each other. Which may never happen.

Basically, I’m not an idiot but I am still in love with him and want him so badly. He will not be what I need, though. As he tried to woo me last night, I quoted his breakup email to him and how he needs another 5, 10, 15 years of “adventure.” He said that we could meet each other halfway, but he wants to be a pickup artist with a girlfriend. That is certainly not halfway. No, halfway is what? Living together with an open relationship? Living apart with a closed relationship? He hangs out with his pickup artist friends and flirts but doesn’t sleep with other women? I don’t like halfway.

It’s troublesome. We’re both so in love and so drawn to each other, but we’re incompatible.

And I can already predict the comments I will get on this entry but please know that I am sorting this out. I obviously have a strong attraction to assholes with a soft side. Is there a 12-step program for that?

I sort of have a date tonight with a photographer, but I think I am going to cancel it. I actually didn’t want to meet him for a date; he offered to photograph me and since I’m opportunistic (see also trip to Dubai), I said yes but he said tonight would be a drink and we could do photos on Saturday. Hmm.

Chris is doing a pickup maneuver on me called push-pull. He texted me just now after a couple days of silence (I reblocked him on Skype) with, “How about impressionism, btw? :-)” Or maybe it’s not even push-pull but I know what he’s doing to try to illicit conversation from me and I’m more annoyed than anything.

I talked to both Dan and Kev about possibly going to Dubai and both were pissed at me. I really don’t think they understand it from my point of view. I either seem incredibly opportunistic and like I’m using David for lodging or stupid to walk back into that trap. Potentially both.

Whatever, though. I don’t have to make any decisions about it for a while. Maybe I’ll just let the invitation remain open well into 2010 and go to Dubai before I move back to the US. When else would I ever be able to go there and have a free place to stay with someone I know and trust and enjoy? Never.

Today marks four weeks since Chris dumped me. I am a fish without a bicycle.

I made it through the weekend without crying and with minimal self pity. It really does take a month to get over someone.

My newish friend Lindsey threw a party at her apartment on Saturday. It was a small group and a lot of fun, although her apartment (a shared flat, actually) made me want to move. I have a really big place so it would, in theory, be good for entertaining. But it’s old and not inviting. Plus it needs some maintenance. The thing that bothers me the most is water damage in the WC from what appears to be a leak upstairs. I showed it to the landlord about a year ago and he shrugged. I’ve considered painting over it or covering it with pictures but, for now, it just stays there in all its hideous glory.

I would like to get a new flat, though. One that is small and cute. Although, thinking about all of the hassles involved in moving make me reconsider it. Plus, why go through with moving if I’m going to leave Prague next spring anyway? It’s just that I really hate my apartment. I’ll probably browse some real estate sites, fantasize about moving for a while, and then become too overwhelmed by the hassle of it all.

I gorged myself at the party. There were so few of us that we ended up sitting around the table where all the food was, which made it hard not to keep nibbling all through the night. Somehow, though, I woke up this morning half a pound lighter than I was a week ago. But I’ll wait until tomorrow to record it on my weight tracker. Perhaps I can make it an even pound by then.

Chris and I chatted for somewhere between 6 and 7 hours last night. He initiated the conversation, saying that we should maybe meet if I’m in Vienna next weekend. I told him that I hadn’t confirmed the trip or bought a ticket. Later he said that if I’m there, we should have dinner. I’m fairly certain I will not be there.

The conversation was pleasant and largely flirtatious. He was normal, although making a case for getting back together. He didn’t say it outright but it was pretty damn obvious, claiming that if he had me, he would be amazing and “complete.” He also said that I am amazing and that he misses me.

He said that he has learned a lot about himself and about our relationship and claimed that if we could’ve communicated like we did last night while we were dating, we’d still be together. He actually took most of the blame for that, although when he tried to share some of it by saying that I always misinterpreted what he did as malicious, I couldn’t agree with him. Yes, I contributed to the failure of our relationship but not in that way. Also, I tried to communicate with him while we were dating, but he was too busy and too bored to have those kinds of relationship-saving talks. Plus he always got defensive.

When we went to bed last night—I managed to keep him up 2.5 hours past when he’d normal go to sleep, and he’d said he wanted to go to bed early—he said that, no matter what happened, it was clear that we would, at least, always be “very good friends.” But I’m not sure. I felt good talking to him, but today I question if I’m giving in. He wants to be a pickup artist and to have the love of a woman like me. After last night’s discussion, he knows very well that he has that love. I don’t know how that makes me feel, especially knowing he won’t change for me. I should stay off of Skype for a couple of days and consider it.

I wonder if he woke up with any regrets.

I’m hating on my wardrobe. Almost all of my shirts are unflattering, misshapen, and hang off of my body because of my weight loss. If not that, they’re faded. Actually, I just had a shirt go through the wash for the first time a few days ago and its color bled out and destroyed another item along with itself. This was on cold with like colors. Could my washing machine be to blame for this? Or is it the detergent?

I’ve been using this Alpine Tide, but maybe I should look more closely at the label in the event that it has bleach in it. But, still, would that cause bleeding? Caroline used to swear by Cheer to prevent fading, but they don’t sell that here. I just read that a cup of vinegar could help; maybe I’ll try that.

I know, writing about laundry is extremely boring, but I would feel better about myself if I didn’t feel like I were wearing a sheet today. And clothes here can be quite expensive, so it sucks to buy something new and then lose it on the first wash.

This weekend, I’m going to try to go through all my clothes and separate out everything that doesn’t fit or otherwise looks like shit on my body. I’ll just put them up in my loft for now; possibly I can bring them home for a garage sale if I’m Stateside at Christmas. Also this weekend, I’ll try to find a couple of inexpensive, cute tops. This is still a good time to catch the end-of-summer sales, even if I’ll only get a few more weeks of wear out of those things.

I hate looking like a bag lady.

Last night, I chatted with this really nice British guy who I exchanged a few messages on OK Cupid with. He lives near Vienna. Don’t even tell me that this was a bad idea; I know it. The problem was that I was just so bored and lonely last night. I talked to Dan earlier in the day about how part of my addiction to dating is driven by loneliness and boredom and a need to “pass the time.” He’s in the same boat. I need to fix this, and I am aware. Some partial fixes include going to yoga and pilates with Caroline. She just started going again this week, so I could join her next week.

Also, my new friend Lindsey is looking for a salsa dancing class to start taking together. She went salsa dancing (or salsa watching, really) a week ago and invited me but I was too chicken to join. Classes, though, would make a big difference.

Anyway, I think my mention of hashing to this nice British guy prompted him to ask me about Improv Everywhere, and apparently they’re staging an event next Saturday. In Vienna. I would really like to go.

Pros: Meeting new people; fun, exciting event; trying something new; a great first date experience. Cons: Would pretty much be a date; expensive and long travel and I’d need to be back early on Sunday because Caroline is setting the hash trail; expensive to get a hotel or hostel; alternative to hotel or hostel is staying with this guy and that sounds disastrous; do not want to start new long-distance relationship (especially with someone who doesn’t even live in Vienna, so the travel is even more inconvenient than it was with Chris); do not want to get guy’s hopes up; am still working on cultivating new group of friends in Prague and would hate to be away from potential gatherings.

I contacted Chris on Skype last night. Don’t even bother telling me how stupid this was. He wrote back and asked if we could talk in about 40 minutes. I knew exactly what this meant—he was playing World of Warcraft. I even logged in to verify this. He was. When he got back to me 40 minutes later, I asked him if he wanted back his clothes that he had left at my apartment. He said that he had been thinking about this; I said I’d take that as a yes, and he said I should take that as he had been thinking about it. Which means he was in some kind of word game mode. I ignored it and described the clothes—one item is a pullover that I never saw him wear but must be his because I can’t think of anyone else it could belong to.

He then said something about how everything between us seemed resolved but he wasn’t sure what path “it” would take. I’m putting “it” in quotation marks because this led to another word game, where I told him that I thought he’d already chosen his path and then realized he was referring to “it” and not him, and then he made me explain how these were different things.

No, really, talking to him is not the most annoying thing in the world; why do you ask?

The thing is, though, that I was actually in the right mood to talk to him. Lonely and bored, sure, but friendly and upbeat. Which means that when he took the conversation in a braggart direction, I could respond in the way that he always wanted from me: congratulating him, encouraging him, telling him how cool and awesome he is. The only time I disagreed with him was when he said something about how he has to work three times harder than anyone else because nothing is handed to him, and I said something about how some people just make it look easy but that doesn’t mean they aren’t working hard. He conceded that this could be true. Guess I can slip in something like that every now and again if 95% of what comes out of my mouth is otherwise absurdly, airheadedly (I’m making that a word) complimentary.

After anywhere from 30-60 minutes of sporadic conversation, I told him that I’d likely be in Vienna the following weekend and that I could either give him back his clothes or give them to one of his friends. This really infuriated him, and I tried to see it from his point of view. On the one hand, Prague feels like my turf, so I don’t like the idea of his coming here, especially if it weren’t to meet me. But I thought it would be far more hurtful for him to find out that I was in Vienna (as evidenced by the clothing drop off) and I didn’t tell him beforehand.

He said it was suspicious of me to go there and wasn’t it convenient that I’d found something I wanted to do in Vienna so quickly after we split? I said it was a one time event. He said he’d like to go to Munich next weekend and he started telling me about this amazing club there that is perfect for meeting women. I didn’t let that get to me and said the club sounded great and I’d love to go some time, asking him for the name and then looking it up online and saying it looked amazing. He said something about how it’s also great that it’s mostly upper middle class that goes there because it’s expensive and that keeps the scum out. I didn’t say anything.

Finally he said that he would think about it but that maybe he’d like to see me next weekend. There was just a part of him that was telling him not to go there again. Eventually the conversation ended when he was talking about his stupid pickup stuff and I was trying to stay so detached from it that I started responding with obnoxious phrases like “I feel that” and “I’m down with that,” which he didn’t understand. His English slang is great, so I found it hard to believe, but he signed off in a huff, saying he didn’t like to speak in riddles.

I sent him an email after to apologize for upsetting him, both with my slang (hmm) and for telling him I’d be in Vienna. I said it wasn’t necessary for us to meet and probably not even a good idea—that I want him to have his belongings back but that’s possible without us meeting. And, also, while it might be nice to see each other again one day, it’s not time for that yet. He hasn’t answered but I’m not surprised; he won’t.

I felt better about the situation after talking to him. There was a bit of schadenfreude, really, which is terrible of me to admit but true. I can tell he’s broken under that veneer, and, even though I love him and want him to be happy, I still want to see him punished somehow for what he did to me. I know I shouldn’t be reaching out to him. In part, he doesn’t deserve it. In part, it’s a waste of my time and emotions. In part, it sets me back in my progress.

Or possibly it isn’t all bad to talk to him, if I can remain strong and not argue: I see who he is now and that is not the man I loved. I see how vile the person he aspires to be is. It infuriates me and hurts me, but it also fuels me to want something more and better than what he could give me and what he now is. I’m probably not going to find that for a while, but pilates, salsa dancing, and possibly even an Improv Everywhere meeting shouldn’t impede the process.

I had a big cry over Chris on Monday night, but it ended suddenly when Kev contacted me on MSN. We talked for about an hour, and I felt completely restored after that.

I have a crush on Kev. He’s married, though, so it will never amount to anything. This is both good and bad, actually, because it will never amount to anything. On the one hand, having feelings for someone who doesn’t return them sucks. On the other, I don’t need a relationship right now, so this is better than pursuing an easy target.

I talked to him again last night for what will be the last time until he returns from a 3.5 week trip in the US. Again, good and bad. He cheers me up so I will miss him, but maybe his absence will help me to get rid of the crush.

Anyway, I was up until nearly 3 am last night and I woke up again around 6 with abdominal pain similar to taking a bullet. I assume, anyway. I knew that it would eventually go away so I just rolled myself into the most comfortable position and waited it out, but it did make me wonder what I would do if I were ever really sick and how would I know?

That’s a scary thing about living alone. When I was 11, I had to write my own obituary for class. Most everyone wrote about having grandchildren and dying of old age. In mine, I was an unmarried, childless spinster who died alone at home when she choked on a piece of food. Age 35.

My teacher thought it was sad; I thought it reflected my desire to never get old and never turn into my parents. I no longer think that turning into my parents is such a ghastly fate. Dying because I am alone and can’t fend for myself in even the most minor medical emergency sounds just a bit more tragic.

I’ve been talking quite a bit lately with the Scotsman, who may soon get to reclaim his name here, because Austrian Chris is a twat. The Scotsman wants us to get back together and has made this very clear. I am, however, not ready to date. Last night, I was thinking about this and how I’ve been approached by a few men and I keep brushing off their advances because the thought of building a new relationship (only to have it crumble the way that mine and Austrian Chris Twat’s or ACT’s did) exhausts me. With the exception of Kev, with whom a friendship already existed and only a friendship is a possibility, the only men with whom I have any interest in communicating are those who I only see (want?) as friends.

This is a problem, though, because the Scotsman is extremely interested in me, and it sort of made me aware of the kind of dumbfuckery that Chris promoted and that many men believe, which is that you can never be friends with a woman you’re interested in. There is, possibly, a certain amount of truth in it. While I’m talking to the Scotsman because he is safe and warm and someone I really like, he sees all the time he’s putting in with me as a sort of insurance: he talks me through my breakup and then, when I’m read to date again, he’s obviously the first choice. Dumbfuck misogynists say that I’ll pick another jerk, though, and that the Scotsman is wasting his time (actually, a reversal of this could be seen in my relationship with David—I invested time and feelings and gave him what, I thought, he was looking for, but I was not a proper choice for a girlfriend).

I refuse to prove this theory true, though. Thus, I told the Scotsman last night that I am not ready for a relationship because I feel damaged by the last one, and I told him that it isn’t fair of me to ask him for anything because I know what he hopes to gain from it. He told me that he can’t help how much he wants me and how he loves the way I make him feel. Basically, he got out of it what he wanted to hear.

Moving on...

I’ve been able to take some time for myself and am working on reading Henry Miller's Tropic of Capricorn. I can’t decide yet if I like it or not but Miller's style and language are like nothing I’ve read in a very long time, so it’s wonderful and inspiring and definitely needed.

Everything has been up and down, up and down. London was amazing (although up and down, up and down). I loved the tiny bit of the city that I saw but hardly saw anything at all. It was also great to see Kev, but the most valuable time was probably that which I spent alone.

I saw a musical in the West End, which is something I have dreamed of doing for at least 15 years. It was a rather shitty show, but I still loved it and bought the CD. That, along with being in an English-speaking country for the first time in two years where people were so exquisitely friendly, along with the absolute beauty and energy of that place I have wanted to go for so long, helped me to refocus.

I thought about how I’ve lost my way and spent too much time trying to find a man to satisfy me. I thought about what I want out of life on my own and who I want to be. I thought about what makes me happy, independent of others. I thought about killing myself, about my family, my job, my life in Prague, David, and Chris. I thought about where I want to be. I felt empty most of the time but also like I had a lot of work ahead of me—an overwhelming feeling, but not a bad one.

I returned to Prague and was back at work on Friday, where I used my lunch hour to read a new book I picked up in London.

That evening, after eight silent days, Chris contacted me on Skype. I begrudgingly answered. He opened up and told me that he missed me and that I was an amazing girlfriend. He admitted that he thought I had made him unhappy but he realizes now that wasn’t true. He portrayed himself as someone who hates himself, as someone who will spend the rest of his life molding himself into someone else. It made me feel good about myself and sorry for him.

In the morning, though, I wished we hadn’t spoken and got on Skype to say that it still wasn’t a good idea to try to be friends. Either because of my change in mood or because he was puffed up from being out all night doing his pickup artist thing, he slammed me, running through the list of things he hates about me, saying that he remembered why he dumped me, and how I’d have to work harder if I wanted him back (huh?), because I was competing with his new lifestyle. He mentioned something about two girls fighting over him the night before.

All the healing from the eight days of silence was gone, and I hated him as though he had just broken my heart all over again.

Also, at some point (one of the friendlier portions of the conversation, obviously), he said that I could come down to Vienna and sleep with him, but there’d be no promise of a relationship. Purely for sex. But then he thought better of it and said that wasn’t a good idea.

Against my better judgment, I ended the conversation by offering him a fresh start and a new chance at friendship when we next spoke. I then went and met four other girls (including Sophia and Caroline) to go paddleboating on the river. We went from there to a festival where we had dinner, drank beer, and shared two bottles of wine. From there, it was off to a club for more cocktails with a couple of guys who tried to pick up one of the other girls, but we split around midnight because only one of us was dressed for clubbing.

Sunday morning, I was online on Skype and Chris contacted me again to say hello. I literally said only a couple of things before he responded that he was busy doing something and implied that I was annoying for trying to talk to him. Again, he contacted ME. Turns out he was trying to download Inglourious Basterds so we could watch it together and, when he managed to find what he was looking for, he triumphantly proclaimed, “See what I can get done when you aren’t pestering me?” Or something like that.

So that kicked off another brutal conversation but he did make occasional kind comments. Like he said that it was especially nice to be loved by me because my love is true and pure from a warm heart. And we ended the conversation pleasantly when I left to go see a movie with my friends. And I thought about him a lot through the movie.

I know that I am still in love with him and what I want is for him to take me back. But I want the kind of relationship we were never capable of having, and I don’t want to question whether I am enough for him.

Also, he left me. He could not have had his choices better outlined: stay with me and have a life much like he was experiencing or return to the life he had before he ever knew me. He chose to go back to what he had before. It wasn’t a choice of an unknown opportunity. It was a choice to erase me. And even if he tells me that he misses me and asks for me back, it will not undo this. As he said, I am competing with his pickup lifestyle. I was always competing. I lost.

When I got home later, I blocked him on Skype. He’s off of Facebook and now he can’t contact me on Skype. If he wants to contact me, he’ll have to call, text, or email. He almost certainly won’t call and texts and emails are easy to deflect.

As of now, I’ve avoided advances by three men who have tried to date me in the past couple of weeks. This includes the Czech guy I nearly had a date with, that ever-present other French guy, and some other guy who is remarkably persistent. I’m not interested. In anyone.

This morning, I received a Facebook message from David. As I wrote to Dan, he wrote to say that “he's settling into Brussels and to see how I'm doing. I'm very surprised because, even though he wrote that he was ‘sure our paths will cross again,’ I thought it was mere politeness.
I'm guessing he's going to ask me to visit and sleep with him. (I know him well enough by now to know that he always sends an introductory ‘how are you’ kind of thing before coming out with what he wants.)”

I got a definite high from hearing from him, but not having to encounter him and ignoring his activities on Facebook has made it easy for me to get over him. Still, if he ends up moving to Dubai in October/November, I may visit him because it’s fucking Dubai.

But I’ll try not to think about it too much. For now, I’m trying to focus on those glorious visions I had in London—visions of a happy, self-sufficient Kate. Getting out of this rut and making something of myself will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I am ready for this.

Hello Kate,

Thank you for your kind email. I leave on wednesday afternoon indeed.

We haven't really talked a lot ever in Prague, but I wanted you to know that you are a wonderful person.

I am sure our paths will cross again.

Take care.

David.

In case it needed any more confirmation, it is really and truly over with both David and Chris (although both think I'm "wonderful"--sure). It makes no sense for me to try to see either of them again. I may send David a nice email or comment on his Facebook after a couple of months or even for his birthday (April), but that's it. And Chris may graduate to that sort of detached, kind treatment at some point but not yet.

Anyway, I forgot to mention that I lost a pound. Ok, it's that same pound that I posted about on Friday but it's still off and so it goes on the chart.




That's 32 pounds since restarting my diet this year and 66 pounds since my highest weight. Only 8 pounds until I change my goal from the arbitrary 74 pounds to...an arbitrary 85 pounds? 93 pounds? I don't think I'm ballsy enough to make it 100 pounds, but maybe!

It hasn’t all been bad in the past few days, but mostly it has sucked.

I had crepes with Jan and Sophia yesterday evening after spending most of the day shopping. When I got home, I listened to music and did some ironing and started bawling when Amy Winehouse’s version of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” came on. The part of me that thought that David was serious when he said we could meet again before he left expected him to want to see me last night.

My Facebook newsfeed shows me that he chose to attend a pickled cheese competition instead.

He should be flying to Brussels today or tomorrow, and I wrote him this:

Hey, David.

You're probably jetting off today or tomorrow, so good luck in Belgium. I hope that everything works out there and with Dubai. I hope our paths cross again before too long. :)

All the best,
Kate
xoxo

He’ll respond with something polite, like, “Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Sorry it didn’t work out for us to see each other again before I left, but I had so much to do in a short time. Keep in touch! D.” And that’ll be it.

I have not contacted Chris in any way since that chat (posted a couple of entries back) from Thursday. He has not contacted me. One of his friends posted on my Facebook that he was sorry that Chris decided to return to being a “noob” and that we should hang out again when I’m next in Vienna. I’m not sure that I’ll ever return to Vienna, though.

I am filled with so much anger for allowing myself to be treated so poorly by both of them. It occurred to me that I’ve never really dumped someone before, no matter how bad things got. With two exceptions—one being Leon, but that was more mutual and worked out over a long period of time. The other one was Fouad. He cheated and used me financially and even that took me months to pull the plug on.

I need to raise the bar. You don’t want a monogamous relationship? You make incredibly racist remarks? You think women are beneath men and aren’t as intelligent or creative? You’re not looking for something long term? You tell me to turn off my music but I’m not allowed to say anything when you play your screaming death metal? You tell me that I need to lose weight in order to date you? You tell me to behave or to just be happy but you won’t even listen to me when I try to talk through my problems because you’re “not [my] therapist?” You don’t want to introduce me to your friends or invite me to your parties? Then you aren’t good enough for me.

Hard to implement, of course, but at least I’ll try it.

Anyway, I slept for about 13 hours last night with the aid of a Klonopin. Thank God I’ve got my trip to London to look forward to. I’ll be gone for a few days, starting tomorrow. When I return, I’ll go back to taking things one day at a time until I don’t want to off myself. Don’t worry; I’ll get there.

Lost another pound, but I’ll wait to record it. Still, 3.5 pounds since Tuesday. I’m wasting away at a little more than a pound per day. Getting dumped is the greatest diet plan ever.

I cried this morning and actually entertained thoughts that I should apologize to Chris for taking him off my Facebook. I refer you again to our conversation from last night. That is the entire conversation, except for a few lines I snipped out at the beginning where I told him I couldn’t talk now because I was on the phone with my bank. But I didn’t even take out my “hahahaha,” which is something I do when I am really pissed and makes me look childish.

But even me at my worst--saying “fuck you” and “go to hell"--doesn't make me come off as the bigger jerk in that conversation.

The problem, I guess, is that I always have to accept what is given to me. And this guy, asshole that he is, wants to be my friend. Who am I to be picky about friends?

Plus I invested 11 months of my life spending time with him, getting to know him, and loving him. How can I cut that person out of my life completely?

I guess I can tell myself that maybe one day, I won’t have to. That one day, we could be friends. But for now, it is not a good idea. I don’t want to see him post status updates about “getting it on” (he had something like that yesterday) or the horrible catchphrase that he used to high five one of his wingmen with before they went out to find women: “time to fuck.” I don’t want to see him post about going to “Inglorious Basterds,” which we planned for months to see together. I don’t want to see him post about anything that we were going to do together.

And you know what? I don’t have to.

Nearly a year ago, Caroline had a falling out with her former roommates when she moved out and they disagreed about some of the terms of the contract. She wanted to take them off of her Facebook, because seeing them on there enraged her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It would have been mean. And, seriously, who doesn’t think that unfriending someone is just a bit childish? But why do we do things that are hurtful to ourselves just to seem nice to others?

There were many times that I wanted David off of my list but just avoided looking at my newsfeed instead. He should’ve gone. And I will do everything in my power to avoid his profile in the coming days because there will surely be photos from his farewell party that I wasn’t invited to, and I don’t want to see them.

In a way, it’s good that I am losing both David and Chris at the same time. The pain is immeasurable but at least it’ll be over, for both of them, in a few weeks or so. And I can get on with my life.

Speaking of getting on with my life, I have booked flights to London for next week. I’m going to spend a couple of days getting rip roaring drunk with Kev and seeing a city that I’ve always wanted to see. There will still be a million things in London that I’ll want to see and will need to return to see, but I can’t turn down the invitation. I need a friend, and he’s offered his friendship to me for three glorious days. That’ll take my mind off of things for a while.

Maybe I’ll even bump into David at the airport as he’s heading to Brussels. Or maybe I won’t hear from him again until I post photos to Facebook in a few months and I look thin. Seriously, I have not weighed what I weighed since I was 16. I’m still fat, and there’s nothing wrong with being fat, of course, but I feel like I’m conquering something that I have struggled with for my whole life. It makes me feel good about something, at least.

[20:32:50] Chris : hi kate
[20:32:54] Chris : you wanted to tell me something :)
[20:33:03] Chris : i'm here now and neither busy nor absent
[20:47:35] Chris : so do you want to tell me today whats on your mind
[21:05:32] Kate : it seems less vital than it did yesterday morning
[21:05:47] Chris : ok
[21:05:54] Chris : your decision
[21:06:00] Chris : if you have to say something, i will be here tonight
[21:06:05] Chris : weekend i won't
[21:06:13] Chris : lots of things going on again in my life
[21:06:56] Kate : ok
[21:07:21] Kate : anything you want to share?
[21:07:34] Chris : hm let me think
[21:07:49] Chris : not really at the moment
[21:07:55] Chris : i'm rebuilding my personality thats all
[21:08:00] Kate : okie dokie
[21:08:19] Chris : i will be mean and tough again soon
[21:08:37] Chris : the way nature wanted me to be
[21:09:02] Kate : well good
[21:09:07] Kate : i plan to only be sweet
[21:09:31] Chris : you are kate
[21:10:39] Chris : i have come up with a plan for myself
[21:15:38] Kate : groovy
[21:15:42] Kate : my only plan at the moment is to enjoy myself
[21:15:49] Chris : true, true
[21:15:50] Chris : a good plan
[21:15:59] Kate : and i'm planning a couple of trips
[21:16:05] Chris : i thought so
[21:16:11] Kate : :)
[21:16:20] Kate : you know me well
[21:16:44] Kate : i want to see my hasher friend before he goes to the us for 3 weeks
[21:16:53] Chris : i have to know you
[21:17:06] Kate : so that is the first scheduled trip
[21:17:13] Kate : i just need to get the days approved at work
[21:17:39] Chris : i will meet old friends tomorrow
[21:18:17] Kate : i bet you are
[21:18:33] Kate : oh well
[21:18:35] Kate : i honestly tried
[21:18:41] Chris : tried what?
[21:18:50] Chris : to get the days?
[21:18:59] Kate : no
[21:19:05] Kate : not that
[21:19:09] Chris : what then?
[21:19:35] Kate : we just go back to what we were before as if nothing happened
[21:19:38] Kate : enjoy
[21:19:41] Kate : talk to you later
[21:19:48] Chris : yeah, you too :)
[21:21:56] Kate : hahahaha [this is where i really get angry because he's playing stupid]
[21:22:23] Kate : if you did pick up for a year to find a girlfriend like me, doesn't it make you wonder what you're doing it for this time?
[21:22:49] Chris : i know what i'm doing it for
[21:23:05] Kate : what?
[21:23:21] Chris : for me
[21:23:30] Chris : to become the man i wanted to be for my whole life
[21:23:38] Kate : you are never going to be him
[21:23:45] Kate : why can't you accept who you are and love him?
[21:23:48] Kate : i loved him
[21:23:53] Kate : he is a good man
[21:23:59] Chris : yes thats the problem
[21:24:03] Chris : a nice and cozy alpha man
[21:24:06] Chris : beta man
[21:24:06] Chris : sorry
[21:24:13] Kate : who the fuck cares?
[21:24:16] Chris : i care
[21:24:19] Kate : you are pathetic
[21:24:25] Chris : do you know the cornflake girl metaphor?
[21:24:29] Kate : and as you get older, you'll be laughable
[21:24:37] Kate : you already are, frankly
[21:25:02] Kate : i wanted so badly for you to open your eyes
[21:25:11] Kate : and accept the love i offered
[21:25:13] Chris : i have to grow more
[21:25:19] Chris : and i hate what i have become
[21:25:21] Kate : to have adventures with me
[21:25:26] Kate : to travel with me
[21:25:38] Kate : but for you, adventures = fucking women and bragging about it on the internet
[21:25:47] Kate : because that makes you feel like a real man
[21:28:02] Kate : i wanted us to [snipped for SOME privacy], go to the opera and the cinema, go swimming, take long walks, enjoy life together. but you aren't the man who wants these things.
[21:28:14] Kate : so fuck #42 if you haven't yet
[21:28:19] Kate : and 50
[21:28:24] Kate : and 60 and 70
[21:28:47] Kate : and tell the 20-year-old geeks how cool you are
[21:29:23] Kate : if only they knew what you gave up
[21:29:49] Chris : they do know
[21:29:58] Chris : but this is what happens when a man hears the call
[21:30:22] Chris : it's not the softness and cozyness that defines us
[21:30:28] Chris : it's the hardships and the effort
[21:30:44] Chris : and yes, this is the life that i want
[21:30:52] Chris : i had to decide
[21:31:10] Chris : play wow and wait to grow old enough to die while killing boars in elwynn forest
[21:31:12] Chris : OR
[21:31:17] Kate : THAT WAS NOT THE CHOICE
[21:31:22] Kate : DID YOU SEE WHAT I OFFERED YOU!?!?!?!?!?!
[21:31:24] Chris : what i have now
[21:32:05] Kate : [pasted what i said minutes before]
[21:32:13] Chris : ok
[21:32:16] Chris : i know that
[21:32:24] Kate : it was IMPOSSIBLE to get you out of the apartment the last time we were together
[21:32:32] Kate : that's not my fault
[21:32:35] Chris : but i have chosen otherwise
[21:32:39] Kate : ok
[21:33:01] Kate : so it's not that you chose killing boars versus that. if those men knew what you TRULY gave up
[21:33:12] Chris : they know what i gave up
[21:33:14] Kate : but they won't and that's fine. you can all play out your little game until you are old
[21:33:16] Chris : a relationship
[21:33:24] Chris : we know what a relationship is
[21:33:32] Kate : no, you have your own sick definition of it
[21:33:40] Chris : but i have joined the ranks of the seduction community again
[21:33:42] Chris : well, wait
[21:33:44] Chris : i will rejoin them
[21:33:45] Kate : fuck you
[21:33:50] Chris : have not done that yet
[21:34:02] Kate : i can't believe it
[21:34:04] Chris : they are my fraternity
[21:34:12] Kate : go to hell
[21:34:17] Kate : we can never be friends
[21:34:26] Chris : as you wish
[21:36:09] Chris : but it's your choice
[21:40:11] Kate : absolutely
[21:40:18] Kate : i already have a cocky pickup artist male friend; i don't need two of you
[21:40:27] Chris : you have one?
[21:40:28] Chris : who is it?
[21:40:39] *** Kate blocked Chris ***
[21:41:07] Kate : can you see it when i did that?
[21:41:31] Chris : when you did what?
[21:43:01] Chris : kate what do you mean
[21:46:38] Kate : i wondered if you could see if i blocked you on here and evidently the answer is no
[21:46:56] Kate : does it show me going offline?
[21:46:58] Kate : look now
[21:46:58] Chris : ok so if this is what you are going to do
[21:47:05] Chris : hm i didn't see you go off
[21:47:05] *** Kate blocked Chris ***
[21:47:13] Chris : however this seems to be your plan
[21:47:15] Kate : did it?
[21:47:32] Kate : hello?
[21:47:41] Chris : yes?
[21:47:43] Chris : what is it
[21:47:44] Kate : ok
[22:07:15] Kate : i will try not to block you on here in case you actually need to tell me something at some point but i did have to take you off my facebook
[22:09:31] Chris : why?
[22:10:35] Kate : because i can't watch what you're about to do to yourself; i love you too much for that.
[22:23:38] Chris : we have crossed the point of no return anyway
[22:23:41] Chris : so there was no need for that
[22:23:45] Chris : but it's your choice
[22:24:31] Kate : the point of no return?
[22:24:46] Chris : the point where we can't go back
[22:24:57] Chris : so you don't need to care anymore
[22:25:23] Kate : when can i expect you to call me and beg me to take you back?
[22:25:31] Chris : lol
[22:25:34] Chris : i'm a pickup artist
[22:25:54] Kate : you did it with [your ex]; i expect nothing less
[22:26:13] Chris : i'm past that
[22:26:29] Chris : that was before i became a man
[22:26:36] Kate : ok
[22:26:37] Chris : and while i lost much of my mojo
[22:26:42] Chris : i will regain it eventually
[22:26:46] Kate : don't make me block you
[22:41:08] Chris : i will go off now, kate
[22:41:15] Chris : if you want to talk again some day
[22:41:17] Chris : just contact me

And so I have taken him off my Facebook. I don't know why I have to pretend that I'm ok with the situation or be his friend. He wants to think that I'm still here for him, but he doesn't get that after what he's done to me.

It’s not a weigh-in day, so I shouldn’t be bringing on the pies, but I am because it’s about the only good thing going on right now.

I’ve dropped 2.5 pounds in the last two days. I know that’s not healthy, but I’m not starving myself. I even had a chocolate donut with lunch yesterday because I thought a sugar rush would make me feel better. But 3 of the last 4 evenings, I’ve been too depressed, busy, hot, and forgetful to have dinner. Thus, I have now lost 65 pounds since my highest weight and 31 pounds since I started dieting this year.




I wish I had more recent photos than the ones from the pool last weekend. You can’t see my body in them, but don’t I look happy?



I’m trying to come up with things to distract me while I get back to normal. I contacted two guys on an Expats website to see about getting together. Yes, they were male but one has a girlfriend and specified he’s not looking for “friends” but just people to hang out with. This is how I met Jan, and he’s a friend, not a “friend.” It’s possible. The other guy wanted to go swimming but he doesn’t work during the week and would prefer swimming then, so I don’t think that’s going to happen.

I’m also looking into going to London to visit Kev for a few days next week, if I can get the time off from work. He wants to take me out drinking. Remember that he’s married, so don’t get the wrong idea here, either.

But my other actions are less honorable. I may meet a Czech guy for a drink this weekend, which sounds an awful lot like a date, and we all know I’m not ready for that. But, then again, he’s leaving Prague so not much potential there and maybe a good distraction while I’m getting my head together. And nothing is confirmed; I can always cancel. The far worse action is that I contacted a former fling (the one who got mad and took me off his Facebook friends list about a year ago when I was looking for a relationship) to see if we could get together. He didn’t even question it; he was just like, “Sure thing; I’m free any time in the next two weeks.”

I don’t have to go through with any of these things. Maybe they’re just distractions for a slow, hot day.

Mostly, I feel like I should go out and meet people. Groups of people, that is, not men. But new people make me feel boring. Being alone makes me feel sad. Ideally, I could get a group of girls together to drink wine and watch shit movies, but I don’t know enough girls here. I thought of inviting that new Sophia girl (from my pool pictures) swimming over the weekend along with Jan and even bringing that guy who wanted to go swimming along to take the pressure off of me to be interesting. The more people, the less I have to talk. We’ll see if that pans out.

And, yes, if I end up alone, going for a nice walk through beautiful Prague will alleviate some of that. And I wouldn’t mind going shopping either. Or cleaning my apartment. There’s plenty to do as long as I’m not just lying in bed. 13 hours of sleep last night; this is what I fear.

David’s goodbye party is tonight. I know this from Facebook. I was not invited. To be fair, he’s getting his group of friends together, so why would he invite me? He commented on my Facebook status yesterday, but otherwise I haven’t heard from him since we met Tuesday night. I thought about writing him an email about what a wonderful man he is and how much I will miss him. You know, just in case it still isn’t clear that I adore him and want to stay in touch and see him after he moves. But deep down, I know that he knows how I feel and it doesn’t really matter to him. Maybe to his ego, but that’s all.

I’ve just got a few days or weeks to suffer through, and hopefully I won’t do anything too stupid. This is fucking rough.

Rereading my entry from a couple of days ago, I'm already cringing that I thought David would ask me to move to Dubai with him. But, a little over a month ago, he did ask me to move in with him, and he suggested moving together to another country on a couple of occasions--first the US or Canada and then Bermuda.

So I just want to prove that I am not completely delusional. It would simply seem that he gave up on the fantasy before I did.

This coming weekend is going to be difficult on me. Caroline leaves tomorrow for a canoe trip and there's no hash on Sunday, so I will have to go to a bit more effort to ensure that I don't end up staying in all weekend, feeling sorry for myself.

I feel really emotionally delicate right now--like every little thing is having a huge effect on me and I'm up then down then up then down again. If this isn't an endorsement for staying single, I don't know what is.

I don’t think I was entirely prepared for the talk with Chris last night. Even after 11 months of dating, I didn’t expect his condescending tone and basically spent the whole time wanting to kick him in the testicles.

And yet he said what I expected. He said that I don’t want a man like him and that I should be with someone who wants to get married and have children. But he made it sound as though he were acting nobly and giving me my freedom, implying (if not stating outright) that he had to dump me because I wouldn’t leave him on my own. He said that he wanted us to be friends, and I asked what that would entail. He said we could chat on Skype sometimes.

Actually, perhaps it wasn’t even that he was condescending but that he sounded so casual about it. Like he was okay with it, and it hurt me to think that he wasn’t hurting. I told him that I wasn’t sure we could be friends and called him a bunch of names, which I hadn’t been counting on at all, and he laughed. And chomped his gum.

He also got preachy towards the end, telling me that I’ll always have a place in his heart and asking if I’d be ok. And then he said that no matter how bad it got, I should always remember that there’s a tomorrow. Never mind those testicles. I could’ve kicked him in the face.

Writing this now and trying to put myself back in that situation feels too much like reliving it and I can feel my pulse beating faster, so that’s about all I can say about it right now.

I ended the conversation abruptly because I had plans to meet David (more on that in a minute). Some time between ending that conversation at about 8:45 PM and this morning at 9:30, I decided that he reminded me of Kosta: some idiot who thinks he’s smart and talks down to me. I wanted to tell him that he can’t portray our breakup as some selfless act on his part—his initial email revealed that it isn’t. And I wanted to tell him that if he wants to be my friend, he’ll have to forgo the attitude. While I occasionally enjoyed his cocky sense of humor, what I loved about him was when he was genuine and sensitive. When he showed me his soft side. And if we’re going to be friends, he is going to have to show me some of that, because I don’t need another cocky male friend. He can’t talk down to me. Something like that, anyway.

So I did one of those stupid things that I knew I shouldn’t do and I texted him this morning, saying that I wanted to tell him something before we could be friends. He wrote back to ask when we could talk. I said we could talk whenever he’s online and not busy playing World of Warcraft and then I also added that it was nothing bad like I was pregnant or had an STD, that I didn’t want to manipulate him into talking to me.

His response was, “If you would have acted like this when we were together we would still be.”

And that was enough to give me a high feeling. Weird, I realize, because it was basically an exchange of his saying we broke up because I’m a wonderful woman who deserves more for his saying that I’m a crabby, manipulative bitch. But it showed me that his actions weren’t selfless. That he’s still a dick who thinks I need to learn to behave.

Also, to go back to that horrible conversation from last night, he tried to get me to share with him first but I wouldn’t, saying that we had waited days for his enlightenment. I think he expected me to beg him to take me back. I think he thought I’d offer up everything to stay together. It doesn’t mean that he would’ve accepted, but when I agreed that the breakup was right, he said something like, “So even if I would’ve said we should be together, you’d want to break up?” And he said something about miscalculating.

Oh, who knows? The point is that I felt better, and I don’t even feel the need to talk to him now. I will at some point, of course, but that text message showed me what I really wanted to know.

And now David. I saw him last night and had a really nice time. He was very talkative, and I soaked up that feeling of being around him for what is possibly the last time. He said that we can meet again before he leaves, but I don’t know if that’s true or if he was just avoiding an awkward goodbye. I wouldn’t even blame him for the latter. I hate goodbyes.

His situation is that he has a guaranteed job in Brussels and will leave on Monday or Tuesday to go there and start working. However, he also asked them for holiday time in September and he’s thinking of giving up the holiday and delaying his start in Brussels so that he can stay here a bit longer. One advantage of that is because he still doesn’t know what will happen with the job in Dubai. He got a call from a friend yesterday while we were together, telling him that the restaurant/hotel/resort in Dubai was checking his references, so that’s good. If he gets the offer in Dubai, he’ll go there. If he starts in Brussels and gets the offer in Dubai, he’ll still go to Dubai. Dubai is number one.

So he’s planning to leave most of his stuff here if he does head to Brussels because there’s still the chance he won’t move there. He should know in a couple of weeks.

But he didn’t ask me to go with him. He just said that he’s sad to leave Prague but that he’ll try to make it back every six months or so to touch base. And I’ve made it clear that I would visit him wherever he goes. We talked a while about my relationship with Chris, but that may have been out of politeness.

Who knows?

What is pretty clear at this point, though, is that I am single. For many months, I have received advice from everyone about how I should get rid of Chris and David and have some alone time. Well, I am certainly alone.