It took him five hours to respond. He was playing in a golf tournament, so I understand, but I also just keep thinking He’s Just Not That into Me. So we texted back in forth about three times each and I decided that if he wanted another date, it would have to be his initiative.
It is now Thursday. Nothing from him. It’s not weird, really, as he’s so busy but I’m disappointed. I was convinced I would’ve heard from him by yesterday. I’m going out for drinks tonight with Sophia and Caroline at a Couchsurfing event that’s near to his apartment. I’m tempted to invite him along, knowing he’ll turn it down but as an excuse to make contact and prompt him to ask me out. But what’s the point when He’s Just Not That into Me.
Shot off an email on OK Cupid that may lead to a date; the guy has written back but I haven’t read it yet since I won’t access that from work. Also had a mail from a guy in Michigan who seems very similar to me so I’ve responded but, you know, that’s in Michigan.
I was thinking on Monday about my future. I’m going to update my CV and start looking at what’s out there. I really like my job but I have to move on at some point, and I’ve been working here for more than two years now.
I’m going to London from next Wednesday through Saturday to visit Kev. When I get back, I’m going to a Halloween party. I ordered a costume but I don’t know if it’ll arrive in time. If not, I need some sort of backup.
Got an email from David today asking when I’m coming to Brussels. Haven’t answered yet. Haven’t spoken to Chris in a week (wow, go me!). Dan doesn’t want to spend New Year’s with me anymore.
And for the absolute minutiae, I caught up on this season’s Project Runway and am now watching Ugly Betty. My weight is pretty much unchanging. This week, I’ve been having rather large lunches and then skipping dinner. I will probably skip dinner tonight too but will have some beers. Still haven’t looked for a gym. Soon.
I’m also sort of sick of talking and thinking about it, to be honest. I have some fantastic stories that I hope to share at some point, but not yet, not now. Such is the case when interesting things happen: it’s just too much for me to recount them until some time passes.
If you are curious, there was a huge announcement made at our dinner on Saturday night in Copenhagen’s town hall. I posted it on my Facebook and you could surely find it if you searched. We’ve had some great news coverage around the world, but I suppose that’s what happens when you gather 300 newspaper editors and writers together for a weekend: they tend to write about you.
It’s snowing in Prague. I’m going to go looking for a new winter coat today after work. I don’t want to do any clothes shopping for a while, but I will make an exception for this because I need it. What I’m wearing today is hanging off of me and looks terrible. I would like to look a bit more put together for my date tomorrow.
That would be date #4 with Zak. We texted a couple of times while I was in Copenhagen. On Tuesday, I texted to ask when I could see him again, and he suggested Friday. I still wish he would be more enthusiastic about me, but he seems to be a nice guy who treats me well and who I find attractive, so I see no reason to abandon it. Also, he’s not taking up all of my free time, and that’s probably best.
Chris wants me to visit him in Vienna this weekend so that he has me on his arm at his best friend’s birthday party. Obviously, I am not going. I am pretty much moving on now, and I don’t think he has moved on at all. He still envisions himself with me. I feel sorry for him, on some level, but he brought it on himself; it’s not as if I dumped him.
He had his meeting at work on Tuesday to determine if he still has a job. He does. He texted me as soon as the meeting ended (I know this because I asked). Yes, I was the first person he told. That says something about my place in his life.
I received the following message from David on Sunday afternoon:
Hello Dear,
I will finally be in Prague tomorrow evening!!! I know last minute planning.. :( but unable to do otherwise, too much work (and, ok, partying as well :) )
Will you be able to host me just for the night!
I am here until tuesday afternoon, I go back to Brussels then. I am only picking up my stuff left in radcanska!
See you soon!!
I didn’t answer this, because I was in Copenhagen and knew he knew that I was in Copenhagen and that he might put 2 and 2 together that I was unavailable. Instead, I heard nothing until I had a missed call around 8:45 on Monday night. Basically, he flew into Brussels, tried to call me (my phone was off), texted me if I was in Prague, and then I finally responded to his Facebook message to say that I was still in Copenhagen and so sorry to have missed him.
He responded that he ended up staying in a hostel and wants to know when I will travel to Brussels to see him. He gave me exact dates with his availability, but the window is so small that I shouldn’t have a problem saying no.
Finally, let me briefly comment on my weight. All of the ordering in at the office and all of the fancy dinners in Copenhagen led to a weight gain of a couple of pounds over the last two weeks. But this morning, I was back down to where I was before: 32.5 pounds lost this year and 66.5 lost total. And now I’m poised to lose even more. I’ll try to find a gym in the coming weeks. I’m feeling fine.
Also, Zak texted me. He asked how the last-minute conference organizing is going, and he updated me on his trip to Slovakia, which is where he is now and where he’ll be until Friday He had already told me this, and that, along with my trip to Copenhagen, made it obvious that we would not meet again for a while.
But I guess he’s still interested in me. The question now is whether I’m interested in someone who is so busy. But I needn’t worry about that now.
I talked to Chris last night. He was down in the dumps, because he’s in trouble at work. I think he must’ve been really dickish to someone in an effort to get “more power” and that person formally complained. Now Chris might be facing disciplinary action; he’ll know in a week, which suggests it’s serious, because there must be a meeting scheduled about it. I have no idea, really, what he did, but I have trouble imagining his getting fired over one instance. Especially when said instance happened at least a week ago, meaning it wasn’t such a big deal that it needed to be handled immediately.
Anyway, he said some things that I found irritating—his usual pickup/seduction crap—but he was open and sad enough that he revealed that he’s not been on a date since we broke up nor has he slept with anyone. He’s having trouble staying in a “set,” which basically means that he’s approaching women and being quickly shot down. He blames his weight gain (although, honestly, I’ve looked at the photos of us from when we first met and he was not that much thinner) and his losing his game. He hopes to get laid by the end of the year.
He seemed really pathetic. It’s this or his cocky bullshit. He used to be so fun. He’s destroying himself.
And he’s started drinking again. He made it a couple of months; at least that’s something. But he’s an alcoholic who needs help, and that is not for me to deal with. I tried to help him, and we all see where that got me.
Not! My! Problem!
Tonight I run my very last errands and then pack my bag for Copenhagen, because I’m going to try to leave my apartment by 5:30 am. I wish I were already back.
I actually had a pretty amazing experience in a dressing room yesterday. I grabbed the wrong size dress to try on and then spent a good five minutes trying to find the zipper on it because I was surprised that it felt tight when I was putting it on. But I got the thing on and, though it was snug, I thought it looked pretty good. I considered buying it, and then I looked at the tag and saw that it was three sizes smaller than what I have been wearing lately. That’s a size I don’t ever remember wearing, not even when I was 12 years old. I felt pretty great.
Of course, it was made to be a bit loose-fitting so it was not unlike squeezing into an XS poncho and saying, “Wow, I’m an extra small now!” I ended up buying the dress one size smaller than I normally wear instead of three.
I made a doctor’s appointment for Wednesday morning. I just need antibiotics as I’m 95% certain that I know what I have but I can’t just pick them up so I have to waste my time, the doctor’s time, and plenty of money to get a prescription. Annoying as hell.
I’ve been thinking about Zak but I’ll have to write about that later. I want to leave the office before it gets any later.
David wrote, on October 2 at 11:22am
Hey Kate,
Sorry for the long delay, still staying at a friend's place, and work work work!
I will tell you more later, but Brussels is fun.
How are you?
D.
Kate wrote, October 2 at 2:04pm:
Hi, David.
I'm glad you're enjoying Brussels. Things have been good here, but quite busy. I'll be in Copenhagen in one week for our conference and, when that's over, my life should go back to normal. I can't wait. :)
After that, I'll try to plan a couple of trips for the fall and I'm going back to the US for a couple of weeks at Christmas. I'll be in Brussels in December, which I think I mentioned to you before. I wonder... :)
David wrote, on October 2 at 2:19pm:
Hey Kate,
I don't think you have mentioned it, but great!
Will you visit someone in particular, or just the town?
Let me know how copenhagen is. What days are you going there? I could visit while you are there maybe, what do you think?
Kate wrote, on October 2 at 4:30pm:
Oh no, I just wrote you a whole explanation of my trip to Brussels and then I lost it when my computer restarted while I was away from my desk. Grr!
So, nutshell version: there's a Christmas shindig that I'm going for--a little cocktail party that should be a lot of fun, and perhaps you'll get to see me all dressed up! :)
As for Copenhagen, I'll be there from the 8th through the 12th. It'd be fantastic if you could pop over, although I'm on a minute schedule so I don't know what that would allow for...:-\
David wrote, on October 2 at 4:54pm:
Ok, let's see if we can work it out.
;)
Kate wrote, on October 2 at 5:19pm:
Absolutely. It's not a big deal for you to travel there?
David wrote, on October 2 at 5:50pm:
We'll see, I'll try to work it out. I will let you know in the next few days ;)
Will you be staying at some friends place, or in a hotel?
Kate wrote, on October 2 at 6:13pm:
I'm staying at the[Name of Hotel]; it's a business trip so my company is handling my accommodations.
If you can't come, there's always Brussels, though. Maybe I'll even be there before December if you have a couch to surf. :)
David wrote, on October 2 at 6:33pm:
I will always have a couch to surf for you!
I move in my own studio on monday, for 6 weeks, if you want to come soon. Very small studio though..
Do you think it would be weird if i stayed one night with you (or 2) at the [Name of Hotel]? If we hide like proper lovers..
I should have told him no from the outset, shouldn't I? That's what I was getting at with the minute schedule but, on some level, I would like to see him and am flattered by the effort he'll go to to see me. I also have trouble telling him no.
I didn't actually paste the whole exchange because he has since written, offering to come on Sunday and stay until Tuesday or Wednesday, if I can extend my time. I wrote back that I could see about changing my flight back and taking some additional holiday time but I don't think I want to stay at such an expensive hotel then. And, also, I know perfectly well that this is a bad idea, unless I can enjoy his company without getting emotionally involved. (Also, why do this after Zak seemed to go to the effort of telling me that he's, at least, not messing around with his ex? He seemed to be implying something exclusive, which is what I want, but do I want it with Zak, i.e., someone who doesn't seem to have much time for me? Regardless, why am I screwing around with the past?)
Anyway, I don't have time to analyze this at the moment because I should be checking over a PDF for work. And I need to leave for Caroline's birthday party in a couple of hours.
I had my third date with Zak the American last night. We went out to dinner, so that ends my brief suspicion that he is like David and embarrassed to be seen with me. Three dates down and I still really like him, although I'm not used to things moving so slowly. He's too busy to see me more than once a week or once every 10 days (probably won't see him again for two weeks because he'll be in Slovakia this week and then I'm in Denmark), and it occurred to me that my entire relationship with Kosta would fit into the time period that I've known Zak. In that time, I thought I knew Kosta quite well, because we were seeing each other about five times a week.
I admit that's excessive. But it wasn't just one-on-one. He joined me on the hash; he came out with my friends; I met his best friend for drinks. And we'd meet after work for dinner a couple of nights a week. Zak doesn't have that much free time. And, so, while I was able to feel rather close to Kosta (and he fell in love with me) in about a month, I've barely established familiarity and comfort with Zak.
Last night, we didn't end up going for dinner until 9:15. This was perfect for me because I was in the office until 7:30, but that's only because of Copenhagen. I will be less busy soon, but Zak will not. And when I left his apartment this morning (shhh, don't judge me), I asked him if he could ever have a lazy day, i.e., a day of sitting on the sofa cuddling and watching movies. He has to wait until his classes end for the semester, so he could maybe schedule a lazy day in his Blackberry for December. And he still has another year of classes.
I guess that just because he is almost 40 doesn't mean he's at a place in his life where he can have a serious relationship. Age really is just a number.
Anyway, two interesting, relationship things came out in the conversation last night. First, he told me about some Czech woman that he dated back in January and how they're still good friends. He said they traveled to Norway and Sweden together in August. It made me feel a teensy bit jealous but, without prompting, he said, "But we didn't do anything together." And then clarified that there was no sex; they're just friends. He didn't need to tell me this but I am glad that he did. He wants me to know that there's no one else (of course, with his schedule, I'm not too surprised).
The second thing may have concerned this same Czech woman or possibly someone else, but he was talking about how he dated a woman with a five-year-old child but he really wasn't interested because of the kid. Which is when he made it clear to me that my being divorced is not a similar kind of deal breaker. Again, it was something he didn't need to say but I thought he was making his interest known. And I liked it.
As far as I'm concerned, there will be a date #4. I still don't really know where all of this is leading, but I'm on board. Although, let's see what happens in the next two weeks; so much can change...
I’m a teensy bit stressed about work, though. Three weeks from today I am flying to Copenhagen for five days. My work is hosting a conference there. I thought I had written about it here, but perhaps not. Still, I’m not going to go into a lot of detail. Some of you know that I work for a newspaper syndicate, so we’re hosting a conference, along with the Danish government, for which we’re bringing in our newspaper editors from all over the world to meet with some of our regular contributing writers as well as some other big names in politics, economics, and the climate change debate.
I’m nervous about how it’ll all work itself out and also about how I will perform in that kind of social, extremely professional environment. It’s rather new to me. Also, I still don’t know what I’m going to wear. I did buy a new black dress that will hopefully be appropriate for something. And I am required to wear this scarf/wrap thing that may dress up something that otherwise would not fit the bill. But I have three days to fill and one cocktail-esque party and I don’t know if my black dress is dressy enough for the cocktail party or if it’s more suited to day wear. Maybe I’ll model it and a couple other things I have and let you weigh in.
Also, with my weight loss, I’m pretty certain I’m going to need some new dress pants. What is most stressful about all of this is that there are only a handful of shops where I can look for clothes here. Even with the weight loss, I can’t fit into a lot of things at Czech clothing stores, despite the fact that I’m hovering around what would be considered “normal” sizes in the US.
Anyway, still happy. And three weeks to sort out a clothing dilemma should be plenty. At least I don’t have to buy a pantsuit, so my options are more plentiful than I first feared.
Tonight, I’m going to some expat-ty event with Caroline. We’re going to watch a Hedy Lamarr movie and then there’s an interview with someone following it. That should be good. I hope I’m not underdressed. I have no idea if this is some sort of snooty cocktail thing or just a bunch of people hanging out and viewing a movie. I’m in jeans. I doubt I’m the only one.
I’ve been thinking a bit more about the guy I went on a date with on Tuesday and am getting more excited to see him again. I also thought that he might actually be a good match for me, based on purely logistic reasons: he’s looking to buy a place and, presumably, at an age where he’s ready to settle down. He’s busy, which means I can still have an independent life and develop in ways that I want to, even if we’re seeing each other. And, unlike Chris, he’s not busy in ways that’ll make me jealous. No, he’s busy working two jobs (I think?), getting his third MBA, and working out like mad at the gym. And he takes Czech courses. And he does some team sports and plays golf for networking purposes. If he’s someone I can only see once or twice a week instead of every night (cling, cling, cling), I can still hang out plenty with my friends, do lots of reading, and even start writing again, as I was inspired to do in London. I think this could be the perfect compromise for a girl who likes to have a relationship but shouldn’t necessarily be in one.
But I’m getting way ahead of myself. He may not be that into me (or vice versa). We need to see each other more to figure that out. At least I’m learning about what I want. I feel really good.
Chris is doing a pickup maneuver on me called push-pull. He texted me just now after a couple days of silence (I reblocked him on Skype) with, “How about impressionism, btw? :-)” Or maybe it’s not even push-pull but I know what he’s doing to try to illicit conversation from me and I’m more annoyed than anything.
I talked to both Dan and Kev about possibly going to Dubai and both were pissed at me. I really don’t think they understand it from my point of view. I either seem incredibly opportunistic and like I’m using David for lodging or stupid to walk back into that trap. Potentially both.
Whatever, though. I don’t have to make any decisions about it for a while. Maybe I’ll just let the invitation remain open well into 2010 and go to Dubai before I move back to the US. When else would I ever be able to go there and have a free place to stay with someone I know and trust and enjoy? Never.
Today marks four weeks since Chris dumped me. I am a fish without a bicycle.
That’s 32.5 pounds lost since restarting my diet this year and a total of 66.5 pounds since my highest weight.
So, David wrote to me last Monday and I responded but he never answered my #1 question, which was: what happened with Dubai? So I wrote to him again yesterday, and he responded this time. Turns out he’s in Dubai right now, interviewing and finding out if he wants to move there. I invited myself to visit him if he does move there. His initial response was flirtatious; I flirted back; he wrote back today that it sounded good and we’d work out dates.
I know at least two men who will be very mad at me if I go visit David in Dubai. The first is Kev. Since I first talked to Kev about David, he has maintained that he’s bad news. Kev doesn’t even use his name when we talk about him—he’s FW for French Wanker.
The other is Dan. (Ok, the Scotsman might also be upset about it but he’s a harder read.) But Dan has a similar hatred for David. After being friends for well over a year, Dan also wants to date me, and we are planning to meet if/when I’m home for Christmas this year. I’m a little worried that Dan’s becoming too interested in me, given the distance between us. Plus, he hasn’t dated anyone since becoming single in February, when his wife of 16 years ended their marriage. He’s talked to a couple of women online, but both of his main interests turned psycho before they ever met face to face. He recently signed up for the big online matchmaking services—OK Cupid, Match.com, and eHarmony—but it’s too early to tell how those will work out for him.
I’m just worried for him that he’s going to fall in love with me and I don’t really have a Prague exit strategy. That’ll end badly for him. I want him to date and possibly find someone local, and if he happens to be single in December, we’ll meet (not that the December meeting is even a date but it won’t happen if he’s seeing someone because the time I’m allotting him is New Year’s Eve). Dan is probably the kind of man I should date—sweet, honest, loyal, and traditional. I’m certainly not opposed to it. But I’m not going to start dating someone now and certainly not someone I’m separated from by an ocean.
It’s possible that he likes me so much because I’m convenient—I know that sounds funny considering that he’s in the US and I’m in Europe, but I mean I’m easy to talk to and access in some capacity. He shouldn’t settle on me until he goes on some dates with other women.
Anyway, last night, he wrote me a really long email that basically amounts to a love letter, and it’s flattering and sweet, but I worry for him. And I won’t commit myself to him until we’ve met in person and I have some plan for moving back to the US. Otherwise, it’s silly. So he’s going to have to go with the flow, and I don’t know if he can.
I’ve told him that Kev invited me back to London in late October/early December and that the Scotsman will have me at any time after this coming weekend, when one of his friends is getting married. Both of these trips, I think, he can handle—Kev is a friend and the Scotsman honorable. But if I go to Dubai, he’ll be crushed. I wonder if I can avoid his feeling like that. It may not even be an issue.
In other news, I’m trying to sort out some documents I’ll need to take care of when I’m back in Illinois for Christmas. And I want to get my ticket booked before the price goes up any more. Which means I need to sort out all the travel I want to do before the end of the year so that I can figure out how many holidays I’ll have.
Potential trips: Switzerland with Caroline (and possibly others) at Halloween for a hash weekend; Brussels for their Christmas hash weekend in mid-December; Scotland to see the Scotsman (any time); London to hang out with Kev in late October or early November; Dubai to see the city and David (any time). I need to pick and choose.
I’ve been using this Alpine Tide, but maybe I should look more closely at the label in the event that it has bleach in it. But, still, would that cause bleeding? Caroline used to swear by Cheer to prevent fading, but they don’t sell that here. I just read that a cup of vinegar could help; maybe I’ll try that.
I know, writing about laundry is extremely boring, but I would feel better about myself if I didn’t feel like I were wearing a sheet today. And clothes here can be quite expensive, so it sucks to buy something new and then lose it on the first wash.
This weekend, I’m going to try to go through all my clothes and separate out everything that doesn’t fit or otherwise looks like shit on my body. I’ll just put them up in my loft for now; possibly I can bring them home for a garage sale if I’m Stateside at Christmas. Also this weekend, I’ll try to find a couple of inexpensive, cute tops. This is still a good time to catch the end-of-summer sales, even if I’ll only get a few more weeks of wear out of those things.
I hate looking like a bag lady.
Last night, I chatted with this really nice British guy who I exchanged a few messages on OK Cupid with. He lives near Vienna. Don’t even tell me that this was a bad idea; I know it. The problem was that I was just so bored and lonely last night. I talked to Dan earlier in the day about how part of my addiction to dating is driven by loneliness and boredom and a need to “pass the time.” He’s in the same boat. I need to fix this, and I am aware. Some partial fixes include going to yoga and pilates with Caroline. She just started going again this week, so I could join her next week.
Also, my new friend Lindsey is looking for a salsa dancing class to start taking together. She went salsa dancing (or salsa watching, really) a week ago and invited me but I was too chicken to join. Classes, though, would make a big difference.
Anyway, I think my mention of hashing to this nice British guy prompted him to ask me about Improv Everywhere, and apparently they’re staging an event next Saturday. In Vienna. I would really like to go.
Pros: Meeting new people; fun, exciting event; trying something new; a great first date experience. Cons: Would pretty much be a date; expensive and long travel and I’d need to be back early on Sunday because Caroline is setting the hash trail; expensive to get a hotel or hostel; alternative to hotel or hostel is staying with this guy and that sounds disastrous; do not want to start new long-distance relationship (especially with someone who doesn’t even live in Vienna, so the travel is even more inconvenient than it was with Chris); do not want to get guy’s hopes up; am still working on cultivating new group of friends in Prague and would hate to be away from potential gatherings.
I contacted Chris on Skype last night. Don’t even bother telling me how stupid this was. He wrote back and asked if we could talk in about 40 minutes. I knew exactly what this meant—he was playing World of Warcraft. I even logged in to verify this. He was. When he got back to me 40 minutes later, I asked him if he wanted back his clothes that he had left at my apartment. He said that he had been thinking about this; I said I’d take that as a yes, and he said I should take that as he had been thinking about it. Which means he was in some kind of word game mode. I ignored it and described the clothes—one item is a pullover that I never saw him wear but must be his because I can’t think of anyone else it could belong to.
He then said something about how everything between us seemed resolved but he wasn’t sure what path “it” would take. I’m putting “it” in quotation marks because this led to another word game, where I told him that I thought he’d already chosen his path and then realized he was referring to “it” and not him, and then he made me explain how these were different things.
No, really, talking to him is not the most annoying thing in the world; why do you ask?
The thing is, though, that I was actually in the right mood to talk to him. Lonely and bored, sure, but friendly and upbeat. Which means that when he took the conversation in a braggart direction, I could respond in the way that he always wanted from me: congratulating him, encouraging him, telling him how cool and awesome he is. The only time I disagreed with him was when he said something about how he has to work three times harder than anyone else because nothing is handed to him, and I said something about how some people just make it look easy but that doesn’t mean they aren’t working hard. He conceded that this could be true. Guess I can slip in something like that every now and again if 95% of what comes out of my mouth is otherwise absurdly, airheadedly (I’m making that a word) complimentary.
After anywhere from 30-60 minutes of sporadic conversation, I told him that I’d likely be in Vienna the following weekend and that I could either give him back his clothes or give them to one of his friends. This really infuriated him, and I tried to see it from his point of view. On the one hand, Prague feels like my turf, so I don’t like the idea of his coming here, especially if it weren’t to meet me. But I thought it would be far more hurtful for him to find out that I was in Vienna (as evidenced by the clothing drop off) and I didn’t tell him beforehand.
He said it was suspicious of me to go there and wasn’t it convenient that I’d found something I wanted to do in Vienna so quickly after we split? I said it was a one time event. He said he’d like to go to Munich next weekend and he started telling me about this amazing club there that is perfect for meeting women. I didn’t let that get to me and said the club sounded great and I’d love to go some time, asking him for the name and then looking it up online and saying it looked amazing. He said something about how it’s also great that it’s mostly upper middle class that goes there because it’s expensive and that keeps the scum out. I didn’t say anything.
Finally he said that he would think about it but that maybe he’d like to see me next weekend. There was just a part of him that was telling him not to go there again. Eventually the conversation ended when he was talking about his stupid pickup stuff and I was trying to stay so detached from it that I started responding with obnoxious phrases like “I feel that” and “I’m down with that,” which he didn’t understand. His English slang is great, so I found it hard to believe, but he signed off in a huff, saying he didn’t like to speak in riddles.
I sent him an email after to apologize for upsetting him, both with my slang (hmm) and for telling him I’d be in Vienna. I said it wasn’t necessary for us to meet and probably not even a good idea—that I want him to have his belongings back but that’s possible without us meeting. And, also, while it might be nice to see each other again one day, it’s not time for that yet. He hasn’t answered but I’m not surprised; he won’t.
I felt better about the situation after talking to him. There was a bit of schadenfreude, really, which is terrible of me to admit but true. I can tell he’s broken under that veneer, and, even though I love him and want him to be happy, I still want to see him punished somehow for what he did to me. I know I shouldn’t be reaching out to him. In part, he doesn’t deserve it. In part, it’s a waste of my time and emotions. In part, it sets me back in my progress.
Or possibly it isn’t all bad to talk to him, if I can remain strong and not argue: I see who he is now and that is not the man I loved. I see how vile the person he aspires to be is. It infuriates me and hurts me, but it also fuels me to want something more and better than what he could give me and what he now is. I’m probably not going to find that for a while, but pilates, salsa dancing, and possibly even an Improv Everywhere meeting shouldn’t impede the process.
I saw a musical in the West End, which is something I have dreamed of doing for at least 15 years. It was a rather shitty show, but I still loved it and bought the CD. That, along with being in an English-speaking country for the first time in two years where people were so exquisitely friendly, along with the absolute beauty and energy of that place I have wanted to go for so long, helped me to refocus.
I thought about how I’ve lost my way and spent too much time trying to find a man to satisfy me. I thought about what I want out of life on my own and who I want to be. I thought about what makes me happy, independent of others. I thought about killing myself, about my family, my job, my life in Prague, David, and Chris. I thought about where I want to be. I felt empty most of the time but also like I had a lot of work ahead of me—an overwhelming feeling, but not a bad one.
I returned to Prague and was back at work on Friday, where I used my lunch hour to read a new book I picked up in London.
That evening, after eight silent days, Chris contacted me on Skype. I begrudgingly answered. He opened up and told me that he missed me and that I was an amazing girlfriend. He admitted that he thought I had made him unhappy but he realizes now that wasn’t true. He portrayed himself as someone who hates himself, as someone who will spend the rest of his life molding himself into someone else. It made me feel good about myself and sorry for him.
In the morning, though, I wished we hadn’t spoken and got on Skype to say that it still wasn’t a good idea to try to be friends. Either because of my change in mood or because he was puffed up from being out all night doing his pickup artist thing, he slammed me, running through the list of things he hates about me, saying that he remembered why he dumped me, and how I’d have to work harder if I wanted him back (huh?), because I was competing with his new lifestyle. He mentioned something about two girls fighting over him the night before.
All the healing from the eight days of silence was gone, and I hated him as though he had just broken my heart all over again.
Also, at some point (one of the friendlier portions of the conversation, obviously), he said that I could come down to Vienna and sleep with him, but there’d be no promise of a relationship. Purely for sex. But then he thought better of it and said that wasn’t a good idea.
Against my better judgment, I ended the conversation by offering him a fresh start and a new chance at friendship when we next spoke. I then went and met four other girls (including Sophia and Caroline) to go paddleboating on the river. We went from there to a festival where we had dinner, drank beer, and shared two bottles of wine. From there, it was off to a club for more cocktails with a couple of guys who tried to pick up one of the other girls, but we split around midnight because only one of us was dressed for clubbing.
Sunday morning, I was online on Skype and Chris contacted me again to say hello. I literally said only a couple of things before he responded that he was busy doing something and implied that I was annoying for trying to talk to him. Again, he contacted ME. Turns out he was trying to download Inglourious Basterds so we could watch it together and, when he managed to find what he was looking for, he triumphantly proclaimed, “See what I can get done when you aren’t pestering me?” Or something like that.
So that kicked off another brutal conversation but he did make occasional kind comments. Like he said that it was especially nice to be loved by me because my love is true and pure from a warm heart. And we ended the conversation pleasantly when I left to go see a movie with my friends. And I thought about him a lot through the movie.
I know that I am still in love with him and what I want is for him to take me back. But I want the kind of relationship we were never capable of having, and I don’t want to question whether I am enough for him.
Also, he left me. He could not have had his choices better outlined: stay with me and have a life much like he was experiencing or return to the life he had before he ever knew me. He chose to go back to what he had before. It wasn’t a choice of an unknown opportunity. It was a choice to erase me. And even if he tells me that he misses me and asks for me back, it will not undo this. As he said, I am competing with his pickup lifestyle. I was always competing. I lost.
When I got home later, I blocked him on Skype. He’s off of Facebook and now he can’t contact me on Skype. If he wants to contact me, he’ll have to call, text, or email. He almost certainly won’t call and texts and emails are easy to deflect.
As of now, I’ve avoided advances by three men who have tried to date me in the past couple of weeks. This includes the Czech guy I nearly had a date with, that ever-present other French guy, and some other guy who is remarkably persistent. I’m not interested. In anyone.
This morning, I received a Facebook message from David. As I wrote to Dan, he wrote to say that “he's settling into Brussels and to see how I'm doing. I'm very surprised because, even though he wrote that he was ‘sure our paths will cross again,’ I thought it was mere politeness.
I'm guessing he's going to ask me to visit and sleep with him. (I know him well enough by now to know that he always sends an introductory ‘how are you’ kind of thing before coming out with what he wants.)”
I got a definite high from hearing from him, but not having to encounter him and ignoring his activities on Facebook has made it easy for me to get over him. Still, if he ends up moving to Dubai in October/November, I may visit him because it’s fucking Dubai.
But I’ll try not to think about it too much. For now, I’m trying to focus on those glorious visions I had in London—visions of a happy, self-sufficient Kate. Getting out of this rut and making something of myself will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I am ready for this.
I cried this morning and actually entertained thoughts that I should apologize to Chris for taking him off my Facebook. I refer you again to our conversation from last night. That is the entire conversation, except for a few lines I snipped out at the beginning where I told him I couldn’t talk now because I was on the phone with my bank. But I didn’t even take out my “hahahaha,” which is something I do when I am really pissed and makes me look childish.
But even me at my worst--saying “fuck you” and “go to hell"--doesn't make me come off as the bigger jerk in that conversation.
The problem, I guess, is that I always have to accept what is given to me. And this guy, asshole that he is, wants to be my friend. Who am I to be picky about friends?
Plus I invested 11 months of my life spending time with him, getting to know him, and loving him. How can I cut that person out of my life completely?
I guess I can tell myself that maybe one day, I won’t have to. That one day, we could be friends. But for now, it is not a good idea. I don’t want to see him post status updates about “getting it on” (he had something like that yesterday) or the horrible catchphrase that he used to high five one of his wingmen with before they went out to find women: “time to fuck.” I don’t want to see him post about going to “Inglorious Basterds,” which we planned for months to see together. I don’t want to see him post about anything that we were going to do together.
And you know what? I don’t have to.
Nearly a year ago, Caroline had a falling out with her former roommates when she moved out and they disagreed about some of the terms of the contract. She wanted to take them off of her Facebook, because seeing them on there enraged her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It would have been mean. And, seriously, who doesn’t think that unfriending someone is just a bit childish? But why do we do things that are hurtful to ourselves just to seem nice to others?
There were many times that I wanted David off of my list but just avoided looking at my newsfeed instead. He should’ve gone. And I will do everything in my power to avoid his profile in the coming days because there will surely be photos from his farewell party that I wasn’t invited to, and I don’t want to see them.
In a way, it’s good that I am losing both David and Chris at the same time. The pain is immeasurable but at least it’ll be over, for both of them, in a few weeks or so. And I can get on with my life.
Speaking of getting on with my life, I have booked flights to London for next week. I’m going to spend a couple of days getting rip roaring drunk with Kev and seeing a city that I’ve always wanted to see. There will still be a million things in London that I’ll want to see and will need to return to see, but I can’t turn down the invitation. I need a friend, and he’s offered his friendship to me for three glorious days. That’ll take my mind off of things for a while.
Maybe I’ll even bump into David at the airport as he’s heading to Brussels. Or maybe I won’t hear from him again until I post photos to Facebook in a few months and I look thin. Seriously, I have not weighed what I weighed since I was 16. I’m still fat, and there’s nothing wrong with being fat, of course, but I feel like I’m conquering something that I have struggled with for my whole life. It makes me feel good about something, at least.
I’ve dropped 2.5 pounds in the last two days. I know that’s not healthy, but I’m not starving myself. I even had a chocolate donut with lunch yesterday because I thought a sugar rush would make me feel better. But 3 of the last 4 evenings, I’ve been too depressed, busy, hot, and forgetful to have dinner. Thus, I have now lost 65 pounds since my highest weight and 31 pounds since I started dieting this year.
I wish I had more recent photos than the ones from the pool last weekend. You can’t see my body in them, but don’t I look happy?
I’m trying to come up with things to distract me while I get back to normal. I contacted two guys on an Expats website to see about getting together. Yes, they were male but one has a girlfriend and specified he’s not looking for “friends” but just people to hang out with. This is how I met Jan, and he’s a friend, not a “friend.” It’s possible. The other guy wanted to go swimming but he doesn’t work during the week and would prefer swimming then, so I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I’m also looking into going to London to visit Kev for a few days next week, if I can get the time off from work. He wants to take me out drinking. Remember that he’s married, so don’t get the wrong idea here, either.
But my other actions are less honorable. I may meet a Czech guy for a drink this weekend, which sounds an awful lot like a date, and we all know I’m not ready for that. But, then again, he’s leaving Prague so not much potential there and maybe a good distraction while I’m getting my head together. And nothing is confirmed; I can always cancel. The far worse action is that I contacted a former fling (the one who got mad and took me off his Facebook friends list about a year ago when I was looking for a relationship) to see if we could get together. He didn’t even question it; he was just like, “Sure thing; I’m free any time in the next two weeks.”
I don’t have to go through with any of these things. Maybe they’re just distractions for a slow, hot day.
Mostly, I feel like I should go out and meet people. Groups of people, that is, not men. But new people make me feel boring. Being alone makes me feel sad. Ideally, I could get a group of girls together to drink wine and watch shit movies, but I don’t know enough girls here. I thought of inviting that new Sophia girl (from my pool pictures) swimming over the weekend along with Jan and even bringing that guy who wanted to go swimming along to take the pressure off of me to be interesting. The more people, the less I have to talk. We’ll see if that pans out.
And, yes, if I end up alone, going for a nice walk through beautiful Prague will alleviate some of that. And I wouldn’t mind going shopping either. Or cleaning my apartment. There’s plenty to do as long as I’m not just lying in bed. 13 hours of sleep last night; this is what I fear.
David’s goodbye party is tonight. I know this from Facebook. I was not invited. To be fair, he’s getting his group of friends together, so why would he invite me? He commented on my Facebook status yesterday, but otherwise I haven’t heard from him since we met Tuesday night. I thought about writing him an email about what a wonderful man he is and how much I will miss him. You know, just in case it still isn’t clear that I adore him and want to stay in touch and see him after he moves. But deep down, I know that he knows how I feel and it doesn’t really matter to him. Maybe to his ego, but that’s all.
I’ve just got a few days or weeks to suffer through, and hopefully I won’t do anything too stupid. This is fucking rough.
I am writing now, because I wanted to update today but didn't have time during my lunch as I had to buy my train ticket. So I'll upload this in Vienna. Fascinating, I'm sure.
Wednesday evening, I was supposed to go to some English-speaking wine event with Caroline where we would meet some new girl who will hopefully be our new best bud to partially fill the void left by Leslie, who I have not heard from since she moved to the Netherlands on July 17, but Facebook activities, while sporadic, would at least indicate that she is still alive.
Anyway, Caroline and I showed up at the wine event and there was a note posted on the door of the shop, saying it was cancelled. I didn't care one way or the other, but she was really grumpy after that. She wanted wine, so I suggested we go some place else for wine, but she wanted this wine event because it had an American guy hosting it.
Also, Caroline wanted to make a new friend. And while she'd doled out her phone number to this new girl, Caroline didn't have any way to get in touch with her. So, Caroline was in a pretty bad mood for a while but we still ended up staying out and drinking beer for a good four hours.
Even though I only had two glasses in that long period of time, I think I was surprisingly drunk since I didn't have dinner. We popped into the pizzeria where Fouad used to work and I had a disappointing slice with broccoli and ham, but it wasn't very filling. Hence, I was pretty drunk. (Also, two of the guys at the pizzeria recognized me but didn't give me free pizza. They did mention Fouad, though, but one of them kept saying, “I don't know Fouad,” and I have no idea what that meant.)
Anyway, this is just back story for me to say that I was a bit drunk when I got home, and I just felt a bit sad. I was sad because I'd been drinking, because Caroline had been grumpy most of the evening, and because I had sort of hoped to return home to an email from David. There was none, which shouldn't have been surprising because I hadn't contacted him since he wrote his apology for not going paddleboating, poked me on Facebook, and used some Facebook application to say he “liked” me.
Chris was online but playing World of Warcraft so we barely spoke. I got online in a webcam chat with Kev, then, and he asked me why I looked so sad. It wasn't long before I was wiping tears off of my face, and he asked me to call him so he could cheer me up. He did, actually, but the most profound thing that came out of that was his asking me why I am sad and my replying “because it hurts that [David] is ok with never seeing me again.” Even saying that now makes me feel like I could start crying.
Kev responded that David “doesn't know.” Presumably, David doesn't know that he won't see me again. Indeed.
Kev left on Thursday to go to a hash weekend and then travel for a week with his wife, but he offered to text me every day until he returns, just to cheer me up. It's only Friday but so far he's made good on it.
(Also, Dan doesn't believe me when I tell him that Kev is happily married and has no romantic interest in me, saying that no man who is happily married talks to another woman every day. Typing Kev's offer of daily texts makes me think that Dan may have a point, but I also think that men like Dan and Kev are rare, good creatures and they have yet to prove me wrong.)
So, Kev was right. David still wanted to see me again, and he texted me last night a little past 7 with “Hey Kate how are you?”
Kate: “I am good. How are your preparations for Brussels going?”
David: “Slowly but surely. Are you doing anything tonight?”
And this is where I lied. I said that I was out to dinner with Caroline and two other girls, which was what I had been invited to do but was not what I was actually doing. I was at home, but I didn't want to see David, and so I lied.
I thought that this would be fine, and that it was better than vaguely saying I was busy because it didn't convey disinterest but clearly showed that I was unavailable.
He asked if we could meet after, and I said something like “we'll see” and offered to text him when I left dinner, intending to make that quite late. In retrospect, it was incredibly rude not to just say no, but I hate turning people down like that.
What ended up happening, though, is that he texted me shortly after 10 to say that he thought I'd be home by then and that he was outside my apartment, waiting for me to come home.
I texted to say “oh dear” and he tried to get me to come join him. I said I was far away and it'd take me at least 30 minutes to get home. I basically felt like a horrible person. It must've taken him a good 20 minutes to get to my place and he was pacing around outside for another 30 minutes, waiting for me. I was not, however, going to meet him.
Basically, I ended up telling him that I wouldn't be home for a while and he left in a bad mood that was conveyed to me by my apologizing for being “cruel” and his responding, “Cruel indeed.”
This triggered me to write that he couldn't call me cruel because I had never been unkind to him. This got no response so I asked if I would see him again or if he was too pissed.
David: “Yes sure.”
And then I sent him something really cheesy that basically translated into “I LOVE YOU, DAVID.” Something like, “Good. Not having you around is something I don't want to imagine. September will suck.” (In September, he will move to Brussels.)
David's response came rather quickly: “Visit Brussels.”
From there, we both sent each other another 4-5 messages. I apologized, but mostly we flirted.
I was sort of giddy at the thought of his inviting me to visit him in Brussels, but I also imagined that if he visited Prague, he may want to spend an evening or two with me, but mostly he'd rather hang out with his real friends. And in his first month or so in Brussels, he'll probably welcome any visitors who will entertain him in some capacity.
I was also thinking that if I lost weight, learned French, and found a great job in Brussels, sure, he might date me. But as I am, I'm not good enough to bring along for his new journey in Brussels. Only for a weekend, and, even then, I wonder how he'd get around his aversion to introducing me to people. My guess is that he'd ask me to visit him during the week so that he could be at work all day and only spend the evenings with me. Clever.
So, really, nothing has changed: David would date me if I changed myself completely, and he won't object to spending time with me, as long as no one else sees us together.
I feel bad about making him stand outside for so long last night, but it was much better than letting him in.
I don’t want to go into too much detail, but Chris won’t be able to get his vasectomy in a couple of weeks. The procedure is too dangerous in his case.
His anxiety has gotten so bad that he is sealing himself off in World of Warcraft. I’m worried about him because I love him. There’s a selfish part of me that kind of wants to break up with him because it’s not enjoyable for me anymore and he was never supportive of me in anything, ever, but I don’t see how I could break up with someone who is having anxiety problems. I know what he’s feeling, and it would be cruel to pile something else on him.
Anyway, last night, I played World of Warcraft with him for a bit, but it wasn’t fun because we were in a Skype call (as we usually are) and he was barking orders at me and I could hear him chomping his gum, which is such a disgusting sound. If I’m going to waste my free time doing something completely unproductive, can’t it at least be fun?
He was holed up in his apartment this past weekend. He said he played World of Warcraft for 24 hours. I assume he means total. Meanwhile, I went out with my friends on Friday night, saw David for a huge part of Saturday (not the best way to spend time, but at least I was out), and then went out on paddleboats with the hash on Sunday. Oh, and I talked on the phone with Dirk that evening. I feel like staying in all weekend and playing World of Warcraft makes sense when the weather is crappy, but it was beautiful.
Actually, I’m concerned that he’s going to return to where he was a few months ago and play this game all the time until he realizes that he’s sedentary and unhappy and the only change he’s willing to make for himself is to return to the seduction community.
He really does have a lot of problems. People with so many problems aren’t really stable enough to be in relationships, are they? I am the same. I should not be in a relationship. Maybe he and I can be more of a support group for each other, but he’s going to have to open up.
And I’m supposed to go to Vienna this weekend, but I’d kind of rather be in Prague. Caroline is planning another outing on the paddleboats and I’m sad that I might miss out. Chris won’t travel here because he came here twice in July. It’s my turn. Maybe I can find something fun happening in Vienna. I am not spending the weekend playing World of Warcraft.
Chris has given up drinking and has not had a touch of alcohol in…a month? Longer? He seems to be largely the same person but maybe a bit more patient and less wild. And he’s readier to move forward in our relationship. He is now ready for me to move to Vienna. Separate apartments, still, but he used to be nervous at the thought of me doing that in a year. A year from now, I expect that he’ll be ready to live together. We spent three consecutive weekends together and he’s realized in that time that I don’t require as much attention as he thought I did and that it’s very easy to hang out with me. Perhaps I put too much emphasis in our early months on doing things together when we were together, and now he realizes that I don’t actually require that. I can play around on my computer while he plays on his, and I’m happy to call that a Saturday afternoon.
Things with Chris may not be moving quite as fast as I would like but I know they’re moving in the right direction. He’s ready for me to be in Vienna, and I can’t be there for another 9 months or more. The more is dependent on job prospects for a non-German speaker. I’m going to ask him in the coming weeks if he can help me to procure a copy of Rosetta Stone.
David had to move out of his beautiful apartment at the end of June. He is now renting a room in a shared flat and wants to leave Prague in a couple of months. He’s looking into places like Macau and the United Arab Emirates. I told him that if he goes some place exotic, I’d love to visit him. I have no idea what has become of his wishes to go to the United States, but I could tell that he was really sizing me up on Sunday when I was at his apartment for the last time. He was trying to determine how much weight I’ve lost, which hasn’t been much at all. I’ve been stuck at my current spot for a few weeks because my focus shifted away from dieting to entertaining family and I hope to get back on track in the next couple of weeks.
[Edit at 2:57 to add: I think David still wants to go to the US but he's weighing his options. And also weighing me. He asked me when I plan to leave Prague and I said I didn't know.]
I put up pictures on Facebook from my family’s visit and he sent me a message to say that I looked “really good” and “well done” but I think I look thinner in them than I am and he was probably disappointed when he saw me on Sunday. Also, he was sharing photos with me of his trip to the US but we also looked through pictures from a party he threw in December (a party that I mentioned before in this blog because I was NOT invited), and he said multiple times that it was such a great party and an amazing party, and it was just sort of weird that he was sharing that with me instead of brushing it under the rug.
I will miss him when he leaves, and I will likely stay in touch but I feel properly detached from him right now. I guess that I feel whole right now, so I don’t need his approval. I feel good, loved by my family and friends, and by Chris. I am happy with my job, happy with my apartment and my little spot in the world. Things are good.
And now a few photos:
This was in the gardens of a palace in Vienna. It’s my new Facebook profile picture:
A little blurry, with my aunt:
Me again (I’m also showing off how much weight I’ve lost, even if these are completely deceptive):
Chris:
Me with my Grandma in Prague:
See, I look less thin:
And that’s enough. I hope I don’t anger the gods by not putting this behind a cut.
It was a hash weekend, and I have written about these before, but it’s basically an excuse for a bunch of zany people to get together and get drunk while doing running/walking trails and generally having a good time. I did one of these weekends before, and that’s how I met Dirk. That was the last time I did one: April 2006. It was ok. This time? I loved it.
We were in bungalows near the beach, and I went with Caroline. Leslie was supposed to go too and flew into Amsterdam with us, but she had a man waiting for her at the airport there. They’d been chatting on the internet and she ended up spending the weekend with him. She phoned me a few times during the weekend to check in and I told her to have a blast. I think she felt guilty for ditching the weekend we’d planned to have but I couldn’t blame her one bit. I’d have done the same, and I know she had a great time.
Anyway, here’s me and Caroline on the first day, on the beach:
Dirk was there too. We spent a fair amount of time together, but I managed to meet a bunch of new people too, which was nice.
My favorite was this fellow, who dressed as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at the costume party on Saturday night:
His name is Kev, and he’s a Brit who lives in Belgium. We’ve chatted a lot since I got back but don’t get the wrong idea: he is very happily married. And hilarious, which is part of what drew me to him.
Anyway, I think that a big reason why I enjoyed the weekend so much was because I received a lot of attention from men. Nothing happened, so, again I tell you not to get the wrong idea, but I think I was among the more attractive people there. When I told this to my therapist, I think he had trouble believing me. Fair enough. I’m no great beauty and this is Prague, where all the women are thin and gorgeous. But at this party weekend, most of the women were older and less likely to scrape on gobs of makeup to go on a hike. Plus, I arrived at Saturday’s costume party with my tits hanging out of my dress, so, any men who may not have noticed me the day before certainly did that night:
(It was also at the costume party that Dirk told me I was clearly the prettiest woman there but I wouldn’t go that far. I know that wasn’t the case but I was possibly the easiest to approach.)
And so the men flocked to me. Well, some of them. And it was mostly quite innocent.
At the after party of Saturday’s costume party, a couple dozen of us gathered in the living room of one of the bungalows and I plopped my chair down in front of a man who simply started massaging me (just my shoulders). Which was fantastic! And then another man decided that he, too, would massage me. And then another. And another.
And at least two men were trailing me like dogs. One asked me, at this after party, to come to his room (he gave me specific instructions) and surprise him. He said he’d have no problem kicking out his roommate. The following morning, he asked me if I had gotten laid, and I said no. He was really shocked how I could have so much male attention and not do anything. But I wasn’t interested (and I think I’ve almost managed to close my relationship again, so why would I muck that up?).
Anyway, what was so interesting about it all was that I had been talking to my therapist about how I think my life would be so much better if I were thin and beautiful. And then I felt like I got to experience it. Ok, still not thin but certainly attractive to many (who were drunk, but I didn’t mind). And what did I learn? I learned that I was right. Life is better when you’re attractive.
My therapist insisted that there was more to it—that the men were flocking to me for other reasons and so I humored him and I talked about this thing that Chris refers to as a “bitch shield,” which is that front that a lot of women put up to keep men they are uninterested in at bay. He has told me that I don’t have this, and he’s right. I am very approachable. I’m quiet, so I have to be approached--I rarely do the approaching. But men who buy me drinks in bars or hit on me on the street will get my attention and a smile.
And so I offered that some of these men at the hash are perhaps used to getting a bitch shield and they flocked to me because I didn’t have one. I offered friendliness. And the relatively small selection of people (120 or so over the course of three days) meant that it was likely that they’d all at least talk to me at one point.
It’s an idea. Whatever it was, I really enjoyed the attention. It was great.
It has been useful to my friendship with Dirk as well. He wants me to visit him in July. I doubt very much that it will happen but he at least had one of those very drunk moments where he told me what a gift I am in his life. I love those moments so much.
And I’ve made a great friend in Kev, who I hope to see at one of the next hash weekends I attend. Hopefully that’ll be some time this year, but it is an expensive hobby to travel around to different countries for these weekends, so we’ll just have to see. Besides, I think it was mostly luck that I happened to be one of the more attractive hashers in the Netherlands. The stars will probably never align like that again.
I got a ton of exercise over the weekend in the Netherlands, so that accounts for some of this, but I’ve been good about food as well. Dirk said I looked really good, and he could tell I’d lost weight, so that was nice.
The weekend was absolutely amazing. I met some really cool people, particularly a British guy who I’m chatting with right now. We exchanged numbers and every possible contact detail and he called me yesterday so perhaps I have a nice new friend. I’ll write more about him and several other great people I met or caught up with and also share some photos. I’m just so damn busy with work and it’s the second four-day week in a row, which is great, but that means that Chris is coming here on Thursday evening so I need to cleeeeean and I have one less day to do it. Yikes.
So, here’s a quick update on things in my life:
Work has been pretty busy, as we’re preparing for a conference and I’m also trying to help a bit to cover for a coworker who’s taking two weeks of vacation. But everything is going well, I think.
Things with Chris are excellent. We’re going to have a three-day weekend together next weekend. He’ll get here next Thursday, and I’m looking forward to spending time with him, although my apartment looks like a tornado hit it. I’ll have to deal with that when I get back from the Netherlands.
David pissed me off last week by never answering that email. He knew I was out of town this weekend, so he left me alone but tried to see me Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. I ignored him on Monday, sparred with him via text message on Tuesday, and nearly indulged him on Wednesday but I was too sick to want to go out plus I had my counseling appointment on Thursday morning. I apologized, but now I think he’s mad at me. Oops.
I’m going to the Netherlands with Leslie and Caroline. Dirk will be there. I haven’t seen him since August, and we haven’t been in very close contact in the past few months because he’s always traveling for work or I’m busy with Chris. I’m curious to see how that will go over. It’s a big party with 100 people attending, so I don’t even need to hang out with him but I’m looking forward to seeing him.
Diet and exercise are going well, but the whole catching-a-cold thing has sort of thrown it off. I can’t wait to be healthy again, and I hope I’m not wheezing and sneezing my way through The Hague. If I am, though, at least it’ll be an experience.
I half-assedly broke up with Chris this morning about a sofa. Ok, not really about a sofa but about the fact that he’s going to move into a tiny one-room apartment and, while that’s good for him financially, it shows that it will take until May 2010 before he and I can cohabitate. I know, you’re all thinking, “Why would you want to live with him, Kate?” Well, I don’t want to now but I want the option of it. His current apartment is huge and would easily fit me. Now he’s moving into a new bachelor pad and asking me to help him pick out furniture for it, and it’s a very real indicator that we are so far from what I want. If not with him, then with someone.
This morning I spent an hour with my therapist discussing conventional beauty and how I think I’ll be more likely to attract a respectful mate when I am thin because I’ll see more value in myself. I think my therapist respects my opinions, which I like. John said that I pay a therapist to listen to me and give me the reaction that I want instead of confiding in a friend, which I think is a valid point, but when it comes to my thoughts on beauty and body image, I know that what I say can be compelling: I’ve spent almost 20 years of my life thinking about it.
I told Chris that I want to be able to date (and not just sleep with) other people in our open relationship. That is the band-aid on our gaping gash of a relationship. He doesn’t want this, but gave me a tentative yes so that I will visit him this weekend. Anything to make me happy enough to not leave him.
I don’t want to be cruel to him. It’s just so hard for me; I hate the current situation but I want to be with him, so I break up and then patch things back up immediately. I told both him and Caroline that I think I’m going through the same phase that I had with Fouad—after he cheated and before I could finally break up with him. I feel like the relationship is over but I’m not strong enough to end it.
The most important difference, though, is that, despite his flaws, Chris is someone I could spend my life with. We’re in love and our personalities and interests mesh well; we just have very different ideas of relationships. If that could be fixed or a compromise reached, the relationship could be saved. I just don’t know if that will happen.
David has not responded to my email. I was pretty annoyed about this earlier because I think it signifies that he and I haven’t come along as far as I thought we had. But it’s good for me, because it makes him appear less god-like, and I need that kind of reminder.
Ideally, then, I keep seeing my therapist, working out, dieting, and becoming a better, healthier person. And in a few months, maybe I can find someone who will love me for me. Or Chris and I will have patched up our relationship with more than band-aids. Or David will finally be as responsive as I’d like, but even I know that almost certainly can’t go well.
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