For the record, my weight has been largely unchanged for the past couple of months. I lose a half pound; I gain a pound; I lose two pounds; I gain back a pound and a half.

In many ways, I am happy. I am the thinnest I have been in more than ten years. I'm down some 66.5 pounds since my highest weight ever, and I've taken off 32.5 pounds this year.

Unfortunately, I just saw pictures of me from our conference in Copenhagen, and I think I look horrible. To be fair, they were taken on the last day when I overslept and had about 15 minutes to shower, get dressed, do my hair and make up, and leave. So, I might look better if my hair weren't slicked back in a ponytail and still obviously wet. Or if I'd had time to properly do my makeup.

Still, what mostly looks horrible is my figure. My arms look doughy and my stomach looks flabby. I am really, really unattractive in those photos.

But, of course, just because my weight loss has stopped doesn't mean I'm where I want to be. My goal was 40 pounds for this year and then I wanted to see how much more weight I should lose on top of that.

And, so, I'm going to make this a top priority. I am busy the next two nights (I'm going to a trivia night tonight and tomorrow I have a date with Zak--first one in two and a half weeks), but I am free on Thursday and I will go to the gym after work. There is one only a few blocks from here that I'll start with. I checked it out with Fouad two years ago when he was looking for a place to go. All I really need is some variety of bikes, treadmills, elliptical machines, and step machines. I'm sure they have a decent selection.

And then I will shed these last 8 pounds, set a new goal, and be that much happier when I look in the mirror and at photos.

Edit: Ok, that gym seems to have moved. So I'll have to go in person to check out the old location and the new one. It's really important for me to find something that is within walking distance of work or home; otherwise I'll never go--I discovered this twice now with gyms I went to with Caroline and therefore I'm not going to bother finding a gym with her--she lives too far away. Ok, possibly I can pop by these places tonight or tomorrow during lunch.

Copenhagen was great, but I am so glad that it’s over. I was running on about four hours of sleep a night for a few days combined with lots of drinking and nonstop socializing. Plus I was sick, so it has taken my body a couple of days to recover.

I’m also sort of sick of talking and thinking about it, to be honest. I have some fantastic stories that I hope to share at some point, but not yet, not now. Such is the case when interesting things happen: it’s just too much for me to recount them until some time passes.

If you are curious, there was a huge announcement made at our dinner on Saturday night in Copenhagen’s town hall. I posted it on my Facebook and you could surely find it if you searched. We’ve had some great news coverage around the world, but I suppose that’s what happens when you gather 300 newspaper editors and writers together for a weekend: they tend to write about you.

It’s snowing in Prague. I’m going to go looking for a new winter coat today after work. I don’t want to do any clothes shopping for a while, but I will make an exception for this because I need it. What I’m wearing today is hanging off of me and looks terrible. I would like to look a bit more put together for my date tomorrow.

That would be date #4 with Zak. We texted a couple of times while I was in Copenhagen. On Tuesday, I texted to ask when I could see him again, and he suggested Friday. I still wish he would be more enthusiastic about me, but he seems to be a nice guy who treats me well and who I find attractive, so I see no reason to abandon it. Also, he’s not taking up all of my free time, and that’s probably best.

Chris wants me to visit him in Vienna this weekend so that he has me on his arm at his best friend’s birthday party. Obviously, I am not going. I am pretty much moving on now, and I don’t think he has moved on at all. He still envisions himself with me. I feel sorry for him, on some level, but he brought it on himself; it’s not as if I dumped him.

He had his meeting at work on Tuesday to determine if he still has a job. He does. He texted me as soon as the meeting ended (I know this because I asked). Yes, I was the first person he told. That says something about my place in his life.

I received the following message from David on Sunday afternoon:

Hello Dear,

I will finally be in Prague tomorrow evening!!! I know last minute planning.. :( but unable to do otherwise, too much work (and, ok, partying as well :) )
Will you be able to host me just for the night!
I am here until tuesday afternoon, I go back to Brussels then. I am only picking up my stuff left in radcanska!

See you soon!!

I didn’t answer this, because I was in Copenhagen and knew he knew that I was in Copenhagen and that he might put 2 and 2 together that I was unavailable. Instead, I heard nothing until I had a missed call around 8:45 on Monday night. Basically, he flew into Brussels, tried to call me (my phone was off), texted me if I was in Prague, and then I finally responded to his Facebook message to say that I was still in Copenhagen and so sorry to have missed him.

He responded that he ended up staying in a hostel and wants to know when I will travel to Brussels to see him. He gave me exact dates with his availability, but the window is so small that I shouldn’t have a problem saying no.

Finally, let me briefly comment on my weight. All of the ordering in at the office and all of the fancy dinners in Copenhagen led to a weight gain of a couple of pounds over the last two weeks. But this morning, I was back down to where I was before: 32.5 pounds lost this year and 66.5 lost total. And now I’m poised to lose even more. I’ll try to find a gym in the coming weeks. I’m feeling fine.

I feel much better today. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon, and then I got a good night’s sleep.

Also, Zak texted me. He asked how the last-minute conference organizing is going, and he updated me on his trip to Slovakia, which is where he is now and where he’ll be until Friday He had already told me this, and that, along with my trip to Copenhagen, made it obvious that we would not meet again for a while.

But I guess he’s still interested in me. The question now is whether I’m interested in someone who is so busy. But I needn’t worry about that now.

I talked to Chris last night. He was down in the dumps, because he’s in trouble at work. I think he must’ve been really dickish to someone in an effort to get “more power” and that person formally complained. Now Chris might be facing disciplinary action; he’ll know in a week, which suggests it’s serious, because there must be a meeting scheduled about it. I have no idea, really, what he did, but I have trouble imagining his getting fired over one instance. Especially when said instance happened at least a week ago, meaning it wasn’t such a big deal that it needed to be handled immediately.

Anyway, he said some things that I found irritating—his usual pickup/seduction crap—but he was open and sad enough that he revealed that he’s not been on a date since we broke up nor has he slept with anyone. He’s having trouble staying in a “set,” which basically means that he’s approaching women and being quickly shot down. He blames his weight gain (although, honestly, I’ve looked at the photos of us from when we first met and he was not that much thinner) and his losing his game. He hopes to get laid by the end of the year.

He seemed really pathetic. It’s this or his cocky bullshit. He used to be so fun. He’s destroying himself.

And he’s started drinking again. He made it a couple of months; at least that’s something. But he’s an alcoholic who needs help, and that is not for me to deal with. I tried to help him, and we all see where that got me.

Not! My! Problem!

Tonight I run my very last errands and then pack my bag for Copenhagen, because I’m going to try to leave my apartment by 5:30 am. I wish I were already back.

I haven’t posted about my diet or weight loss in a while, but that’s because there has been nothing to report. I’ve only lost half a pound in something like five weeks. Not good in the slightest, but my diet fell in priority. After I get back from Copenhagen in a week, it will rise again.

I actually had a pretty amazing experience in a dressing room yesterday. I grabbed the wrong size dress to try on and then spent a good five minutes trying to find the zipper on it because I was surprised that it felt tight when I was putting it on. But I got the thing on and, though it was snug, I thought it looked pretty good. I considered buying it, and then I looked at the tag and saw that it was three sizes smaller than what I have been wearing lately. That’s a size I don’t ever remember wearing, not even when I was 12 years old. I felt pretty great.

Of course, it was made to be a bit loose-fitting so it was not unlike squeezing into an XS poncho and saying, “Wow, I’m an extra small now!” I ended up buying the dress one size smaller than I normally wear instead of three.

I made a doctor’s appointment for Wednesday morning. I just need antibiotics as I’m 95% certain that I know what I have but I can’t just pick them up so I have to waste my time, the doctor’s time, and plenty of money to get a prescription. Annoying as hell.

I’ve been thinking about Zak but I’ll have to write about that later. I want to leave the office before it gets any later.

David wrote to me yesterday on Facebook, and I was shocked to hear from him and shocked by his offer. I'm pasting the exchange, but I think I need to get out of it. He's just going to add more stress to an already stressful situation. Can you imagine if he had some big wine thing and I tried to cut in on it?

David wrote, on October 2 at 11:22am
Hey Kate,

Sorry for the long delay, still staying at a friend's place, and work work work!

I will tell you more later, but Brussels is fun.

How are you?

D.

Kate wrote, October 2 at 2:04pm:
Hi, David.

I'm glad you're enjoying Brussels. Things have been good here, but quite busy. I'll be in Copenhagen in one week for our conference and, when that's over, my life should go back to normal. I can't wait. :)

After that, I'll try to plan a couple of trips for the fall and I'm going back to the US for a couple of weeks at Christmas. I'll be in Brussels in December, which I think I mentioned to you before. I wonder... :)

David wrote, on October 2 at 2:19pm:
Hey Kate,

I don't think you have mentioned it, but great!
Will you visit someone in particular, or just the town?

Let me know how copenhagen is. What days are you going there? I could visit while you are there maybe, what do you think?

Kate wrote, on October 2 at 4:30pm:
Oh no, I just wrote you a whole explanation of my trip to Brussels and then I lost it when my computer restarted while I was away from my desk. Grr!

So, nutshell version: there's a Christmas shindig that I'm going for--a little cocktail party that should be a lot of fun, and perhaps you'll get to see me all dressed up! :)

As for Copenhagen, I'll be there from the 8th through the 12th. It'd be fantastic if you could pop over, although I'm on a minute schedule so I don't know what that would allow for...:-\

David wrote, on October 2 at 4:54pm:
Ok, let's see if we can work it out.

;)
Kate wrote, on October 2 at 5:19pm:
Absolutely. It's not a big deal for you to travel there?

David wrote, on October 2 at 5:50pm:
We'll see, I'll try to work it out. I will let you know in the next few days ;)

Will you be staying at some friends place, or in a hotel?

Kate wrote, on October 2 at 6:13pm:
I'm staying at the[Name of Hotel]; it's a business trip so my company is handling my accommodations.

If you can't come, there's always Brussels, though. Maybe I'll even be there before December if you have a couch to surf. :)

David wrote, on October 2 at 6:33pm:
I will always have a couch to surf for you!

I move in my own studio on monday, for 6 weeks, if you want to come soon. Very small studio though..

Do you think it would be weird if i stayed one night with you (or 2) at the [Name of Hotel]? If we hide like proper lovers..

I should have told him no from the outset, shouldn't I? That's what I was getting at with the minute schedule but, on some level, I would like to see him and am flattered by the effort he'll go to to see me. I also have trouble telling him no.

I didn't actually paste the whole exchange because he has since written, offering to come on Sunday and stay until Tuesday or Wednesday, if I can extend my time. I wrote back that I could see about changing my flight back and taking some additional holiday time but I don't think I want to stay at such an expensive hotel then. And, also, I know perfectly well that this is a bad idea, unless I can enjoy his company without getting emotionally involved. (Also, why do this after Zak seemed to go to the effort of telling me that he's, at least, not messing around with his ex? He seemed to be implying something exclusive, which is what I want, but do I want it with Zak, i.e., someone who doesn't seem to have much time for me? Regardless, why am I screwing around with the past?)

Anyway, I don't have time to analyze this at the moment because I should be checking over a PDF for work. And I need to leave for Caroline's birthday party in a couple of hours.

In five days, I'll be in Copenhagen. In nine days, I'll be on my way back and it'll be over. I cannot wait for it to be over. I still have a few more items that I need to purchase before I go, including dress shoes, possibly a coat, stockings, and maybe one or two new tops. And a dress. I may go out in a couple of hours to look for some of these things, although I should really be tied to my computer because I promised to help with some last minute arrangements. Of course, our email server is down. What to do?

I had my third date with Zak the American last night. We went out to dinner, so that ends my brief suspicion that he is like David and embarrassed to be seen with me. Three dates down and I still really like him, although I'm not used to things moving so slowly. He's too busy to see me more than once a week or once every 10 days (probably won't see him again for two weeks because he'll be in Slovakia this week and then I'm in Denmark), and it occurred to me that my entire relationship with Kosta would fit into the time period that I've known Zak. In that time, I thought I knew Kosta quite well, because we were seeing each other about five times a week.

I admit that's excessive. But it wasn't just one-on-one. He joined me on the hash; he came out with my friends; I met his best friend for drinks. And we'd meet after work for dinner a couple of nights a week. Zak doesn't have that much free time. And, so, while I was able to feel rather close to Kosta (and he fell in love with me) in about a month, I've barely established familiarity and comfort with Zak.

Last night, we didn't end up going for dinner until 9:15. This was perfect for me because I was in the office until 7:30, but that's only because of Copenhagen. I will be less busy soon, but Zak will not. And when I left his apartment this morning (shhh, don't judge me), I asked him if he could ever have a lazy day, i.e., a day of sitting on the sofa cuddling and watching movies. He has to wait until his classes end for the semester, so he could maybe schedule a lazy day in his Blackberry for December. And he still has another year of classes.

I guess that just because he is almost 40 doesn't mean he's at a place in his life where he can have a serious relationship. Age really is just a number.

Anyway, two interesting, relationship things came out in the conversation last night. First, he told me about some Czech woman that he dated back in January and how they're still good friends. He said they traveled to Norway and Sweden together in August. It made me feel a teensy bit jealous but, without prompting, he said, "But we didn't do anything together." And then clarified that there was no sex; they're just friends. He didn't need to tell me this but I am glad that he did. He wants me to know that there's no one else (of course, with his schedule, I'm not too surprised).

The second thing may have concerned this same Czech woman or possibly someone else, but he was talking about how he dated a woman with a five-year-old child but he really wasn't interested because of the kid. Which is when he made it clear to me that my being divorced is not a similar kind of deal breaker. Again, it was something he didn't need to say but I thought he was making his interest known. And I liked it.

As far as I'm concerned, there will be a date #4. I still don't really know where all of this is leading, but I'm on board. Although, let's see what happens in the next two weeks; so much can change...

As most of you already know, Leon’s mom died last Wednesday. I don’t feel entitled to mourn her, as Leon and his family aren’t in my life anymore. It’s definitely a weird feeling, but it will pass. It was just a few minutes ago, really, when reading Leon’s latest LJ entry that I realized that I really have no business concerning myself with it and so I will try not to.

I have nine days to find a cocktail dress for the upcoming conference. I have a couple of possibly suitable dresses at home but one is scandalously short and the other shows a scandalous amount of cleavage. I will go shopping tonight for the third time and if I don’t find anything I will try to FedEx something from the US or the UK. I really am running out of options here.

I had my second date with the American on Friday. His name is Zak, and I quite like him. He seemed a lot more relaxed and easygoing than on the first date and he’s been a perfect gentleman the whole time. I still haven’t had to pay for anything, and I like the way he wraps his arms around me. He makes me feel warm and secure.

He was very busy the rest of the weekend but texted me Saturday evening to see how I was. I texted him yesterday, and he let me know he’s free this coming weekend, when we plan to have date #3.

I am slightly concerned, though, that he could be a bit like David—well-off, established, educated, extremely busy, and possibly only looking for someone to keep his bed warm. I am basing this last judgment solely on the fact that he changed our second date plans from drinks out to drinks at his place. I hope he is not embarrassed to be seen with me. We’ll see if he takes me out this weekend (I also invited him to come out with my friends, and he said that he plans to get a lot done this week so he has more free time during the weekend, so perhaps I’ll see more of him than a single evening). Whatever. I don’t want to put too much thought into it.

Kev is back in Belgium after 3.5 weeks in the US and thank Christ for that. I missed him. He missed me too. After about two weeks apart, he wrote to me that he missed me a bit and he seemed surprised by it, if you can show surprise in a chat window. By the third week, he missed me a lot. I am definitely looking forward to visit him next month. He and I will get liquored up in London for Halloween, I think. I really enjoy his company.

Anyway, the rest of my weekend. I went to a mojito bar on Saturday and then out clubbing. I was out until about 5.30 in the morning and still up by 8 to take a day trip to Karlstejn for their burcak festival. Photos taken by my friend Petr can be found here.

But these are a couple favorites:



Me with Caroline.



Caroline, me, Petra.



Me, Caroline, Petra, and Jirka.



And again.

Also, I have twice hung out with this guy named Aaron who is from Washington DC and has a girlfriend in Slovakia. Purely as friends (he contacted me on Facebook well over a year ago when he was first in Prague but we never met up before). So he’s back in Prague and has been here since Wednesday. He’s contacted me every day to hang out. He only has one other friend, no job, and no place to live. His passport was stolen. I went with him to a concert on Wednesday and then invited him out to the mojito bar on Saturday. He annoyed the shit out of one of the other people there and she called him an imbecile after he left. He’s just so socially awkward. I have a soft spot for that but I also can’t quite stand him and want to shake him. It’s weird, though, to think that I’d give up a friend that seems always available but, right now, I feel more like his mother. Anyway, that’s enough of an update for now. Back to work.

I feel remarkably happy.

I’m a teensy bit stressed about work, though. Three weeks from today I am flying to Copenhagen for five days. My work is hosting a conference there. I thought I had written about it here, but perhaps not. Still, I’m not going to go into a lot of detail. Some of you know that I work for a newspaper syndicate, so we’re hosting a conference, along with the Danish government, for which we’re bringing in our newspaper editors from all over the world to meet with some of our regular contributing writers as well as some other big names in politics, economics, and the climate change debate.

I’m nervous about how it’ll all work itself out and also about how I will perform in that kind of social, extremely professional environment. It’s rather new to me. Also, I still don’t know what I’m going to wear. I did buy a new black dress that will hopefully be appropriate for something. And I am required to wear this scarf/wrap thing that may dress up something that otherwise would not fit the bill. But I have three days to fill and one cocktail-esque party and I don’t know if my black dress is dressy enough for the cocktail party or if it’s more suited to day wear. Maybe I’ll model it and a couple other things I have and let you weigh in.

Also, with my weight loss, I’m pretty certain I’m going to need some new dress pants. What is most stressful about all of this is that there are only a handful of shops where I can look for clothes here. Even with the weight loss, I can’t fit into a lot of things at Czech clothing stores, despite the fact that I’m hovering around what would be considered “normal” sizes in the US.

Anyway, still happy. And three weeks to sort out a clothing dilemma should be plenty. At least I don’t have to buy a pantsuit, so my options are more plentiful than I first feared.

Tonight, I’m going to some expat-ty event with Caroline. We’re going to watch a Hedy Lamarr movie and then there’s an interview with someone following it. That should be good. I hope I’m not underdressed. I have no idea if this is some sort of snooty cocktail thing or just a bunch of people hanging out and viewing a movie. I’m in jeans. I doubt I’m the only one.

I’ve been thinking a bit more about the guy I went on a date with on Tuesday and am getting more excited to see him again. I also thought that he might actually be a good match for me, based on purely logistic reasons: he’s looking to buy a place and, presumably, at an age where he’s ready to settle down. He’s busy, which means I can still have an independent life and develop in ways that I want to, even if we’re seeing each other. And, unlike Chris, he’s not busy in ways that’ll make me jealous. No, he’s busy working two jobs (I think?), getting his third MBA, and working out like mad at the gym. And he takes Czech courses. And he does some team sports and plays golf for networking purposes. If he’s someone I can only see once or twice a week instead of every night (cling, cling, cling), I can still hang out plenty with my friends, do lots of reading, and even start writing again, as I was inspired to do in London. I think this could be the perfect compromise for a girl who likes to have a relationship but shouldn’t necessarily be in one.

But I’m getting way ahead of myself. He may not be that into me (or vice versa). We need to see each other more to figure that out. At least I’m learning about what I want. I feel really good.

Only the one email from Chris. Lots of attempted calls on Skype, attempted calls to my cellphone (which has been off most of the day), and a couple of text messages. I have not answered any of them.

At 5:30 this afternoon, my boss tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the phone (he was on another line so he didn't say anything). I was expecting one of my directors but instead I was met with that thick Austrian accent.

Chris called my boss, people. I am so embarrassed.

He also contacted Leon and Caroline. Leon told him that he hadn't talked to me, and I don't think Caroline responded. What's kind of funny is that Chris actually thought they'd report back faithfully to him. Please. Leon and Caroline are loyal to me, as they've been in my life for 8-9 years. Leon's never met Chris, and Caroline's only been around him a handful of times. He asks them for something pertaining to me? They're going to ask me what to do about it.

Anyway, once Chris had me on the phone, he said that he was so worried that something happened to me and that he couldn't sleep last night. I told him that I am no longer his business and asked when he will change his status on Facebook. Now I wish I could remember how he answered that, because I thought he said "maybe we won't have to" but he probably said "we'll talk about it," which means nothing. He wants to talk to me tonight on Skype after he gets in from going out with a friend for a "man talk." Which could be anything but is none of my business.

I am having a movie night with Caroline and another girl, but I should be home by his suggested Skype time.

I just really don't see the point in talking to him, though. It will only be painful. Much as seeing David again would be painful. And pointless. There is nothing to be gained from talking to these men again--they have made it clear that they don't want me and also that they're no good for me.

He wants the talk he tried to have with me last night. The "let's not end this angry at each other" talk. That was something he said on Skype. I will be angry if I want to be.

Since I last updated, I spent ten days with my aunt and Grandma, who came to visit me in Prague. They stayed in my apartment with me and also traveled to Vienna for three days so that they could see the city and meet Chris.

Chris has given up drinking and has not had a touch of alcohol in…a month? Longer? He seems to be largely the same person but maybe a bit more patient and less wild. And he’s readier to move forward in our relationship. He is now ready for me to move to Vienna. Separate apartments, still, but he used to be nervous at the thought of me doing that in a year. A year from now, I expect that he’ll be ready to live together. We spent three consecutive weekends together and he’s realized in that time that I don’t require as much attention as he thought I did and that it’s very easy to hang out with me. Perhaps I put too much emphasis in our early months on doing things together when we were together, and now he realizes that I don’t actually require that. I can play around on my computer while he plays on his, and I’m happy to call that a Saturday afternoon.

Things with Chris may not be moving quite as fast as I would like but I know they’re moving in the right direction. He’s ready for me to be in Vienna, and I can’t be there for another 9 months or more. The more is dependent on job prospects for a non-German speaker. I’m going to ask him in the coming weeks if he can help me to procure a copy of Rosetta Stone.

David had to move out of his beautiful apartment at the end of June. He is now renting a room in a shared flat and wants to leave Prague in a couple of months. He’s looking into places like Macau and the United Arab Emirates. I told him that if he goes some place exotic, I’d love to visit him. I have no idea what has become of his wishes to go to the United States, but I could tell that he was really sizing me up on Sunday when I was at his apartment for the last time. He was trying to determine how much weight I’ve lost, which hasn’t been much at all. I’ve been stuck at my current spot for a few weeks because my focus shifted away from dieting to entertaining family and I hope to get back on track in the next couple of weeks.

[Edit at 2:57 to add: I think David still wants to go to the US but he's weighing his options. And also weighing me. He asked me when I plan to leave Prague and I said I didn't know.]

I put up pictures on Facebook from my family’s visit and he sent me a message to say that I looked “really good” and “well done” but I think I look thinner in them than I am and he was probably disappointed when he saw me on Sunday. Also, he was sharing photos with me of his trip to the US but we also looked through pictures from a party he threw in December (a party that I mentioned before in this blog because I was NOT invited), and he said multiple times that it was such a great party and an amazing party, and it was just sort of weird that he was sharing that with me instead of brushing it under the rug.

I will miss him when he leaves, and I will likely stay in touch but I feel properly detached from him right now. I guess that I feel whole right now, so I don’t need his approval. I feel good, loved by my family and friends, and by Chris. I am happy with my job, happy with my apartment and my little spot in the world. Things are good.

And now a few photos:

This was in the gardens of a palace in Vienna. It’s my new Facebook profile picture:



A little blurry, with my aunt:



Me again (I’m also showing off how much weight I’ve lost, even if these are completely deceptive):



Chris:



Me with my Grandma in Prague:



See, I look less thin:



And that’s enough. I hope I don’t anger the gods by not putting this behind a cut.

I am cutting out a boring introduction in which I explain why I haven't written lately. Who cares? I've been busy, and now I finally have the time to write about my trip to the Netherlands, which was amazing.

It was a hash weekend, and I have written about these before, but it’s basically an excuse for a bunch of zany people to get together and get drunk while doing running/walking trails and generally having a good time. I did one of these weekends before, and that’s how I met Dirk. That was the last time I did one: April 2006. It was ok. This time? I loved it.

We were in bungalows near the beach, and I went with Caroline. Leslie was supposed to go too and flew into Amsterdam with us, but she had a man waiting for her at the airport there. They’d been chatting on the internet and she ended up spending the weekend with him. She phoned me a few times during the weekend to check in and I told her to have a blast. I think she felt guilty for ditching the weekend we’d planned to have but I couldn’t blame her one bit. I’d have done the same, and I know she had a great time.

Anyway, here’s me and Caroline on the first day, on the beach:



Dirk was there too. We spent a fair amount of time together, but I managed to meet a bunch of new people too, which was nice.

My favorite was this fellow, who dressed as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at the costume party on Saturday night:



His name is Kev, and he’s a Brit who lives in Belgium. We’ve chatted a lot since I got back but don’t get the wrong idea: he is very happily married. And hilarious, which is part of what drew me to him.

Anyway, I think that a big reason why I enjoyed the weekend so much was because I received a lot of attention from men. Nothing happened, so, again I tell you not to get the wrong idea, but I think I was among the more attractive people there. When I told this to my therapist, I think he had trouble believing me. Fair enough. I’m no great beauty and this is Prague, where all the women are thin and gorgeous. But at this party weekend, most of the women were older and less likely to scrape on gobs of makeup to go on a hike. Plus, I arrived at Saturday’s costume party with my tits hanging out of my dress, so, any men who may not have noticed me the day before certainly did that night:



(It was also at the costume party that Dirk told me I was clearly the prettiest woman there but I wouldn’t go that far. I know that wasn’t the case but I was possibly the easiest to approach.)

And so the men flocked to me. Well, some of them. And it was mostly quite innocent.

At the after party of Saturday’s costume party, a couple dozen of us gathered in the living room of one of the bungalows and I plopped my chair down in front of a man who simply started massaging me (just my shoulders). Which was fantastic! And then another man decided that he, too, would massage me. And then another. And another.

And at least two men were trailing me like dogs. One asked me, at this after party, to come to his room (he gave me specific instructions) and surprise him. He said he’d have no problem kicking out his roommate. The following morning, he asked me if I had gotten laid, and I said no. He was really shocked how I could have so much male attention and not do anything. But I wasn’t interested (and I think I’ve almost managed to close my relationship again, so why would I muck that up?).

Anyway, what was so interesting about it all was that I had been talking to my therapist about how I think my life would be so much better if I were thin and beautiful. And then I felt like I got to experience it. Ok, still not thin but certainly attractive to many (who were drunk, but I didn’t mind). And what did I learn? I learned that I was right. Life is better when you’re attractive.

My therapist insisted that there was more to it—that the men were flocking to me for other reasons and so I humored him and I talked about this thing that Chris refers to as a “bitch shield,” which is that front that a lot of women put up to keep men they are uninterested in at bay. He has told me that I don’t have this, and he’s right. I am very approachable. I’m quiet, so I have to be approached--I rarely do the approaching. But men who buy me drinks in bars or hit on me on the street will get my attention and a smile.

And so I offered that some of these men at the hash are perhaps used to getting a bitch shield and they flocked to me because I didn’t have one. I offered friendliness. And the relatively small selection of people (120 or so over the course of three days) meant that it was likely that they’d all at least talk to me at one point.

It’s an idea. Whatever it was, I really enjoyed the attention. It was great.

It has been useful to my friendship with Dirk as well. He wants me to visit him in July. I doubt very much that it will happen but he at least had one of those very drunk moments where he told me what a gift I am in his life. I love those moments so much.

And I’ve made a great friend in Kev, who I hope to see at one of the next hash weekends I attend. Hopefully that’ll be some time this year, but it is an expensive hobby to travel around to different countries for these weekends, so we’ll just have to see. Besides, I think it was mostly luck that I happened to be one of the more attractive hashers in the Netherlands. The stars will probably never align like that again.

I’m quite sick with a cold and it caused me to lose my appetite earlier in the week and sleep quite a lot. I dropped two pounds in a day. But I think I might gain some weight while I’m in the Netherlands this weekend. On the one hand, I should be getting a lot of exercise. On the other, the only meal that is described on our hash program is pizza, and I tend to eat a lot when I travel because I eat at every available opportunity. My whole schedule of eating (and sleeping and everything else) gets thrown off and I tend to eat whenever food is put in front of me, for fear that it will be a very long time before it happens again.

So, here’s a quick update on things in my life:

Work has been pretty busy, as we’re preparing for a conference and I’m also trying to help a bit to cover for a coworker who’s taking two weeks of vacation. But everything is going well, I think.

Things with Chris are excellent. We’re going to have a three-day weekend together next weekend. He’ll get here next Thursday, and I’m looking forward to spending time with him, although my apartment looks like a tornado hit it. I’ll have to deal with that when I get back from the Netherlands.

David pissed me off last week by never answering that email. He knew I was out of town this weekend, so he left me alone but tried to see me Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. I ignored him on Monday, sparred with him via text message on Tuesday, and nearly indulged him on Wednesday but I was too sick to want to go out plus I had my counseling appointment on Thursday morning. I apologized, but now I think he’s mad at me. Oops.

I’m going to the Netherlands with Leslie and Caroline. Dirk will be there. I haven’t seen him since August, and we haven’t been in very close contact in the past few months because he’s always traveling for work or I’m busy with Chris. I’m curious to see how that will go over. It’s a big party with 100 people attending, so I don’t even need to hang out with him but I’m looking forward to seeing him.

Diet and exercise are going well, but the whole catching-a-cold thing has sort of thrown it off. I can’t wait to be healthy again, and I hope I’m not wheezing and sneezing my way through The Hague. If I am, though, at least it’ll be an experience.

Lenka unfriended me on Facebook. Not only did she unfriend me, she blocked me. I was a little surprised that she has the computer knowledge to do this, but Caroline said that Lenka is still her friend on Facebook and when I search for Lenka, she doesn't show up, so there's really only one way that this could be accomplished, i.e., she blocked me. Classy.

This is the second time in the last few months that I've been unfriended by someone because they wanted something from me and I did not comply. And so, the entire friendship was discarded.

In Lenka's case, she felt that because I moved into an apartment where she previously resided, I was obligated to receive and deliver her mail to her. While this is certainly a polite practice in the first weeks after the move, it has been 13 months since said move. Nevertheless, I did try to provide this service for her, but she was continually getting irritated with me that I wasn't able to deliver things to her at her beck and call. And because my mail delivery service was poor, she is no longer my friend. It's so nice when social networking websites can help spell things like this out for you.

The other person to unfriend me was someone I wrote about before--a summer fling. He wanted me to travel to meet him but I told him that it wasn't in my best interest. We had a very long talk where I explained to him that I was looking for a relationship, and since he was not, it wasn't going to work. But I assumed we'd remain friends and exchange emails and chat as we had before. Instead, he dropped me.

It's hard for me to value myself as a person when people treat me like this. I know that both of these people were users, of course. Caroline has always observed this behavior about Lenka, and this guy only wanted to sleep with me and when I shot that down, he discarded me because he didn't need a pal.

Today on the tram, I was thinking about how terrible it is that I base my own opinion of myself on what other people think of me and how they treat me. But I just think that if people are always treating me poorly, it is reflection on who I am as a person. People aren't nice to me, because, presumably, I'm not nice to them. After all, was it really so hard for me to get Lenka's mail? I found her constant emails, texts, and calls on the matter to be annoying but maybe it could have been worked around. It won't be now, and my worth to her was such that when I wasn't providing this service for her (and this was all I was doing; we stopped hanging out months before), I no longer belonged in her life. Cut out.

And I don't usually write about work, but I am a bit hurt that one of my coworkers who I actually quite like is having a party this weekend and she seems to have invited everyone else in the office, including one of our designers who doesn't even work regularly with us, but she did not invite me. She even asked me about this a couple of weeks ago, saying that she thought she was going to have a house party and would I be available a certain weekend but I think she was just making small talk because, in the end, I was not invited.

I simply know about it because the designer was in the office saying that he was planning to bring his sister to the party and another coworker today apologized that he wouldn't be able to make it because he'll be out of town this weekend.

I will also be out of town, and so I wouldn't have even attended, but I still would've liked an invitation.

Anyway, this feels like par for the course for me. People simply do not like me, and, at my most introspective, I know that this is because I am boring, uncultured, and unattractive. I am weird.

I have moved around and been exposed to enough new people in new situations to know that, in general, people do not take away a good first impression of me. Or second impression. Or third. It happens with enough people for me to know that it isn't them; it's me.

I do, of course, have people in my life who value me--the Carolines, the Dirks, the Chrises, and the Dans. These people are perhaps seeking out personality traits that most others are not. And thank God for that.

Because I can't tell you how difficult it is to be the person to whom no one wants to talk, who is only worth having as a friend if she will give you something (David also confirms my worth in this regard), and whose invitation mysteriously gets lost in the mail. Repeatedly.

I spent so many years of my life wanting to be extraordinary; right now I would like to be normal. To have the worth that others have; to be respected as others are. I am not, and it hurts.

I wish I had a better memory so that I could fully recapture some of the things that Chris has said to me in the past 24 hours. These statements were prompted by my trying to stop being so clingy and also to stop arguing with him post-holidays.

There are two reasons for these changes in me. The first is that I really love him and want to keep him, and the arguing and clinginess were having negative effects on our relationship. So I am working on them, as I’ve said before, and so far, so good. The other reason I changed is because it’s not healthy for me—particularly the clinginess. This feels like something I’ve known all along but it’s difficult to act on, as I explained in an earlier post. On the one hand, I love him so much that I want to spend all of my time with him, but that only leads to my being needier and clingier, and so I have been making plans with other friends to help me keep my personal life more balanced. So far, so good, but it’s only been 11 days, which is nothing.

Anyway, these actions have had an immensely positive effect on the way Chris feels about me, and he spent a portion of last night’s Skype call telling me how amazing I am and how I could not have a better personality and he wants what we have in his life forever. He said that he has not been able to stop thinking about me lately—that I’m in his thoughts 20 hours a day (the other four are for sleeping), and he’s more in love than ever before.

Today he called me at work, because he was very busy and wouldn’t have time for the daily email that has become a ritual. His tone of voice was of someone who is utterly, shamelessly in love. He told me that it’s very important that I’m in his life and he wants us to talk about our future. Originally he said he would like to discuss that tonight but then he thought better of it and said it made more sense to discuss it this weekend while he’s in Prague.

I’m fairly certain that I know what this discussion will be about, although, me being me, I just now thought of something quite negative. Most likely, though, it will be his response to an email I sent yesterday or the day before. In this email, I restated something that I have told him several times before—that I see myself staying in Prague until the beginning of 2010 and in the months leading up to that time, I will evaluate where I want to be after that. I may extend my time here, and I may move.

Really, the more I break it down, the more it seems like a non-statement. I’m not saying that I will leave at the beginning of 2010; mainly, I see myself at my current job until then because I am happy and see no reason to change. In another six-eight months, I’ll decide if I will stay longer. That’s all.

But I think Chris is worried that I might move back to the US and that he will lose me, so I think this is what we will discuss. This is confirmed by the fact that I told him yesterday that his constant life changes (namely, he’ll soon start his third job since we started dating in September) can be stressful for me. “But you will be there for me, right?” he asked. “You will always love me?” I tried to ease these concerns.

That said, our discussion of the future will, most likely, consist of him telling me that he’s very happy with our relationship and he hopes I will stay in Europe. And I will tell him that, as long as things are going well, it will be almost a certainty that I will stay here. Unless he wants to move to the US with me, but I doubt this.

And so, things are very good in my love life, and I will try my best to keep them this way.

I threw up this morning. I think I have a very mild case of food poisoning, but I still came to work today because I didn't want to miss the first day back. I'm proud of myself for this, but I haven't been able to eat any solid foods and still feel quite lousy.

Some of that lousiness isn't health-related, though. I miss Chris terribly, and my mind has been racing for the past 48 hours in an attempt to solve this long distance dilemma. I know that once I get back into my regular routine, it won't feel so hard to be away from him--I'll be busy with work and my friends plus I Skype with him every day for hours, usually.

...Actually, just thinking about that last item makes me realize part of the problem. I spent 12 days wrapped up in him, and that's not healthy. Now that I'm back, I feel this sickness and this loss.

Really, it's a double-edged sword. In order to avoid missing him so much, I spend more time online talking to him. But I wouldn't miss him so much if I spent less time with him.

When/if one of us moves to be with the other one, it will make everything easier and the feeling to spend all of my spare time with him will decrease, simply because he will always be there. There will be no loss because we will always be together, even if we're doing the mundane things like grocery shopping or laundry.

A while back, I shared the idea of his moving to Prague. Although he said that the soonest that this could happen was March 1, we both agreed that this was not feasible for other reasons. The main reason was the holiday season, and he said that he would start searching in the new year. (He had an unhappy few days in December that led to him job searching at that time but otherwise we've stuck to the plan.) I guess I'll give him a week or two to settle into the new year and then I'll possibly bring up the topic again. He even said previously that it would be helpful for me to send him job listings, so maybe I'll do that. But I'll hold off for a bit, because we're both busy at the moment after being away from work for nearly two weeks.

Yesterday, I was briefly able to cure the complete devastation that I felt in leaving him by coming up with ideas for moving to Vienna. I'm not sure that these ideas are very good, though, largely because I would lose two of the things that I love: my job and my friends. (Ok, I'd never lose Caroline as a friend but I certainly wouldn't see her at least once a week either.) I would be stuck rebuilding a life with only my boyfriend as a touchstone. This would be an almost duplicate of the situation I had when I moved to Berkeley and that turned out terribly.

In my fantasy of the world, Chris would move to Prague by the summer. And he would move to the US with me in 2010. I'm not sure if he would really move with me to the US, though. On some days, he loves Americans and thinks he would fit in well among them (he would). On other days, he laments the fact that the US is so religious and conservative and doesn't think he could tolerate it. Plus, he's never been out of Europe. Actually, I've been to more countries in Europe than he has. And while I don't think he's terribly close to his family, he is close with his dad and I'm just not sure that I could uproot him like that.

I often get discouraged about our situation and say that it isn't going to work. He tells me that it will work because it has worked so far. It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized we were talking about two different things: he means that we have a functioning long distance relationship and there's no reason for that to change--it works. I mean that for us to progress beyond a long distance relationship will be very difficult, and this is why I am focusing on it now. But there are so many obstacles.

And I know that sacrifices have to be made. There are many days of the year when Caroline hates Prague. She wants to move to Switzerland, because she adores it there. But she will have to stay in the Czech Republic as long as she's with Jirka, because he would not be employable elsewhere. Obviously, she chooses Jirka over Switzerland.

For me, I would choose Chris over moving back to the US, but I have a feeling that if we break up, I would move back immediately. And I need to make sure that I have other people and other things in my life so that if we break up, I can handle the loss.

And so I will add a new item to my list of goals for 2009, which are something of an extension of my New Year's resolutions:

1. I am going to join a gym in an effort to get into better shape and feel better about my body.

2. I am going to work on my own issues with being so "high strung." I think I may even need to change my anti-depressants for the first time in 5 years, which is scary, but first I might try some relaxation therapy and maybe even a new counselor.

3. I am going to continue learning German (I currently have mixed feelings about this because it is obviously so rooted in my relationship with Chris and it's an interest that practically disappears if he and I separate).

4. I am going to be all I can be at work, and try not to arrive late as often as I do, even though no one seems to care. I do.

5. I am going to figure out a way to either live together with Chris or be much more comfortable with the way things are now.

6. I need to find something that fulfills me and doesn't rely on any other person, i.e., a talent, a skill, or an interest that is not rooted in someone else. Or that is rooted in many interchangeable people so that, effectively, no one can let me down and my happiness is my own doing.

But, mostly, at the moment, I am obsessed with number 5 and cognizant of the importance of number 2. And the degree to which I am obsessed is evident by how long this post is, so I will conclude it. But Chris makes me so happy, and I really hope that we can work through everything. And in three hours, I will hear his voice, and that's enough to ward off despair, momentarily.

I think I misspoke yesterday when I said that Chris had been thinking about moving to Prague. Actually, the thought had never occurred to him until I snuck it in yesterday. It’s not surprising, really, that he hadn’t thought of it, because it makes a lot of sense for me to move to Vienna to be with him or for him to move with me to an English-speaking country: Austria is his home, neither of us speaks Czech, neither of us wants to build a life in Prague, etc.

However, there’s a certain amount of sense in his moving here, and my casual email about it got him so excited that he wasn’t able to sleep for more than three hours Tuesday night. Instead, he made himself a four-part plan with the goal of moving to Prague and living with me.

The main obstacle of the move is obviously employment, but he also has to work out someone to take his apartment and he needs to finish his current work contract (which, I guess, technically falls under the employment umbrella). But he has set a tentative move date of March 1, which is really damn soon. Actually, I don’t think it’s possible. While 2.5 months may not seem like a long time to find a job in Prague (it took me less than a month), he needs to give six weeks notice at his current job. This means he needs to find something by mid-January, which means he has a month. And it’s the holiday season. Not likely.

So what I’m trying to find out is what happens post-March 1. He has chosen that date because that’s when his current work contract ends and therefore he could choose not to renew it. However, what if he did renew it? Would he have to wait another 3-4 months? 6 months? A year?

Also, he said that he would like to come here and work for a US company for 3-4 years, after which we would decide together if we wanted to move to the US or to Vienna or some place else. I personally do not want to be in Prague for 3-4 years, and I will tell him this. I think he’ll realize that it’s far too much, anyway. He could get himself a nice job with a US company and stay here for 1-2 years and that would be more than satisfactory, I think.

Anyway, I know how crazy it must sound to be talking about some of these things. I sent an email to my mom about it and told her that I think that being in a long distance relationship necessitates longer term planning. Like my German lessons, for instance. Chris and I could break up next week, in which case I would have a lot less need to learn German (although I would continue with the lessons because I really like my teacher and have wanted to speak the language for some time). Still, though, if I want to move to Vienna in another year or two (or more), I should speak the language and I’m certainly not going to learn it if I don’t start taking lessons.

So I guess Chris and I will talk some more about these plans to move (I want to find out about the deadline and his signing a new contract) both tonight and this weekend. And then I’m going to do some searches of some of the companies that are hiring here. I actually think he would do well at Kosta’s company, because they’re a German company with an English-speaking office. That would be great for him.

As for us living together, I feel rather confident that that would go well. I already wrote a while back about how I think that living with him is as close as I could get to living with myself. Again, that doesn’t mean that we’re the perfect match in this regard, but when he neglects to do the dishes for several days, I will completely understand because I’m the same way. We’ve already had a talk in which we both fantasized about getting a cleaning woman to come in a couple times a week to take care of such things.

But I can say more on that later. I’m finishing up at the office and still have a few things before I can leave for the day, so this will have to wait.

Yesterday was my company’s holiday party, which kept me out until 3 AM. Because late nights are fairly typical of work dinners, I told Chris that I wouldn’t be online to talk to him last night. (Yes, we meet online every evening unless we let the other know.) So he called me at the end of the work day just to let me know he was thinking of me and because he wouldn’t get to talk to me that night.

I thought it was the sweetest thing ever, which probably shows how little it takes to impress me, but we’re talking about an international call at a time when he really didn’t have to. I was touched.

Anyway, it put me in a good mood. Actually, I was already in a good mood. Two of my company’s directors were here yesterday, and I thought my meeting with them went well (it was rather uneventful but I’m okay with that). Plus we were opening up beer at the end of the day and getting ready to leave an hour or so early to get ready for dinner. Yes, I was in a damn good mood, so I sent Chris an email and floated this idea that I had been having.

The bulk of the email was a description of how nice it is to work for this company: how it’s a laid back and fun office and a great company to work for. And then I mentioned how our IT guy has gone part time and I think we might need someone else to come in and take over some of the work load. (We’re not actually hiring or even looking for someone but there was very informal talk at one time that it would be a good idea to bring in a backup.) And, obviously, wouldn’t it be great if that were Chris?

He wrote back, “How much do they pay and how safe would that job be? I'm serious.”

I know that he can’t make as much in Prague as in Vienna, so I told him that the pay wouldn’t be good, but the job would be very secure. He wrote back with his specific salary requirement (reduced from what it would be in Vienna because the cost of living is lower here), and said that if that were met, he’s in. “Provided we’d live together.” And he asked me how much I pay for rent.

So I sent that back to him and told him Kosta’s salary. Yes, Kosta, because Kosta was in IT and he actually told me his salary. Plus, like Chris, Kosta didn’t have a computer science degree, so I thought it was comparable.

Chris called me at this point to say that he’d actually been thinking about moving to Prague, because it’s so much cheaper (and, I’m assuming, because he doesn't want to wait until 2010 to live together, since I feel committed to my job until then and therefore won't be moving to Vienna). So he asked me if I could put some feelers out for a job for him, and if that goes well, he’d be willing to move here and live with me.

His moving to a different country to live with me sounds crazy, I’m sure, but this would take months to implement. Plus he and I have already dated longer than I dated Fouad before we lived together. Not that that turned out well, but Chris would not be dependent on me like Fouad was. Really, there are only two things that I don’t like about this idea:

1. Chris just changed jobs a month ago, so it would look terrible for him to switch again. I think he should stay with his current company for at least a year, possibly longer.

2. It might throw a wrench into my plans to leave Prague. I do not want to put down roots in this place. You should see my apartment, and you’d understand just how determined I am to leave—I own almost nothing. Everyone who enters my apartment is like, “My God, you have no stuff. If I lived here, I’d try to make it feel like home and put some more furniture in here.” But that’s the point! I don’t want to get too comfortable.

Anyway, he and I will talk about this some more tonight and certainly more in the coming weeks and months. I’ll be in Vienna this weekend and I’ll be there for almost two weeks around Christmas and New Year’s. These times together give insight into what life together would be like. So far so good.

Because the three and a half months that I was not allowed to leave the Czech Republic are still fresh in my mind, I am trying to start my visa renewal process now. Actually, I tried to start it more than a month ago, but the woman in charge of my case was unresponsive until late last week. I have until the end of February to renew my visa, so I should be all right. But something that sucks is that it will only be renewed for three months, because that’s when my work permit expires. So almost immediately after I finish the process, I have to restart it again. This strikes me as incredibly shitty but it’s completely out of my control.

So the woman wrote to me today and told me all of the 75 million documents (ok, more like 6) that I need to renew my visa—all of which I will have to replicate in another three months, including my lease, which cannot be older than 6 months, so the one benefit to my having to start this process again in a couple of months is that I won’t have to track down my landlord and make him sign a form, which he never did for me a year ago. Ugh. Anyway, this woman wrote to me and said that one of the things I need is a copy of my medical card, which I don’t have.

I’ve been working here for over a year now, and, as far as I can tell, I am not insured. I suppose that I am technically, but I have yet to use my medical insurance for anything, because I have no proof of it. All of my antidepressants? Out of pocket. That surgery I had in September? Out of pocket.

Yes, it sucks. And when I finally am insured, I will have to change my psychiatrist so that I am covered by my insurance, and changing a mental health provider is one of the most annoying things in the world. So I may just continue to pay out of pocket, although that would be remarkably stupid in the long run.

Anyway, I brought this insurance card issue to the attention of our HR-type guy (we’re too small to have an HR department, really), which I should have done sooner. He assumed that I had the card; I assumed that it just took absurdly long (really, I’ve only been expecting it since July because that’s when I had all of my legal paperwork) and I was being patient by not asking. But I am finally getting a medical card and should have it in a few weeks, so that I will begin the renewal process by the beginning of January. See, this is why I’ve started early. Already I’ve lost two months over things that are out of my control. Yes, I’ve used that phrase twice now. These things are not in my control.

Something else that ranks on my scale of recent annoyances is my lease agreement. I’m signing a new one and should have signed it last week, but I was reading it over and noticed that it failed to mention my deposit. My previous landlord ripped me off in regards to the deposit and even tried to claim that I hadn’t paid one, so I will absolutely make sure that this contract mentions it. It was more than two months’ rent, so I would be devastated if I didn’t see that money again. So my landlord is writing it into the new contract, but I really wonder if this was an honest oversight or an attempt to screw me. He seems like a nice guy but I’m skeptical after what happened before.

Finally, last night my power went out. I was gaming with Chris, Leon, and Sam, and then everything went black. I went to my fuse box and flipped all of the switches but nothing happened. So I went out into the hall but I couldn’t turn the light on out there either. I peeked out of the windows and it looked like the whole block was out. I texted Chris to let him know why I lost my connection, and he wrote back with the same thing I was thinking: “Czechs…”

I was very annoyed and just padding around in the darkness, so I called him, and he didn’t answer in three rings, so I hung up. And he dialed back. I mention this because it makes me wonder if it is intentional—it’s very sweet if it is, his paying for the call instead of me. Then again, I only gave him three rings to avoid his voicemail and maybe that wasn’t enough.

Regardless, he talked to me for a few minutes and asked if I had an emergency utility contact, and I said, “Of course not,” so he started looking one up for me, and it was just so sweet to have him to talk to as I paced around in the darkness, partially annoyed, partially scared. And, within a few minutes, the power came back on, and everything was fine. And I thanked him and told him that I loved him, and he said it back, and, in that moment, I felt so amazingly grateful to have him.

Really, there are so many annoying things that happen and feel out of my control, but having Chris makes everything feel so much nicer. (I know. Gag, right?)

There’s a new guy in my office who is only working two days a week on a project for one of my coworkers, and I think he's only here for a month or two. Anyway, yesterday was his second day, and we talked for a little bit in the kitchen and it became obvious to me that he was going to ask me out.

How did I know this? Because we were talking about how I came to live in the Czech Republic and I gave him my canned answer of visiting Caroline and wanting to stay because I fell in love with Prague.

"You mean, you fell in love with a Czech guy," he said. And I told him no, that wasn't part of my story. But slipping in the boyfriend question made his intentions completely clear. The problem, though, is that I’m too shy to say, “No, but I do have an Austrian boyfriend.”

Besides, he should know better. I’ve been here for a year and a half, so, even if I had fallen in love with a Czech, it wouldn’t mean that we were still together. Plus, this is such an expat city, so I could’ve fallen in love with a Brit or a Bulgarian or a Hungarian. It was sloppy investigative work on his part!

That said, I am largely to blame for the way that I answered that question, and I need to work on that.

Anyway, I came into work today and the new guy had left me a note on my desk with his email address. And even though I knew it was coming and even though I think it’s sweet and flattering, it’s an awkward situation that I would’ve liked to avoid (and could’ve avoided had I told him I had a boyfriend!).

So, I emailed Chris about it, in part because I knew he’d be entertained by the story and also because I don’t know how to deal with it. Plus I used the opportunity to broach the subject of how you can turn someone who is interested in dating you into a friend, just for the sake of conversation. A recent Savage Love column dealt with the topic: a gay guy wrote in, saying, "Waaah! I just moved to a new city and I can't make friends because all the guys who want to hang out with me want to date me!" and Dan Savage answered, "Dude, stop trying to be friends with people who are sexually attracted to you. That's the problem."

Which means that I see guys like my new coworker and think, “Hey, he’s into me! We can be friends!” But, to the guy, it’s just insulting. So I should just reject him outright and let it go! But, easier said than done.

Good: Even though the winter in the Czech Republic stretches on far longer than I would like (and it’s only November), one thing that I love about living here is the Christmas markets. The markets in the Old Town Square will not be up until Saturday, but there’s one set up in a square a few blocks from my work.

Today, after lunch with a few of my coworkers, we walked through that market and stopped for some hot, spiced wine. I did not have a cup, but I did appreciate the idea of it. There we were, toddling back to work 30 minutes later than our allotted hour and running a bit late because we decided to have a glass of alcohol. And that’s perfectly normal. Some days I really appreciate living somewhere so incredibly laid back.

Bad: I woke up this morning barely able to open my eyes because they were so swollen and puffy from crying last night. Chris and I had a terrible argument, and I sobbed. I think that he may have been extremely irritable because he is having a LOT of problems with his computers and network, but he said some things to me that were really quite hurtful.

At the heart of everything we discussed seems to be the issue that he really does not like that I am depressed. He thinks that I have a great life and should be happy with everything that I have—including him. He has stressed on more than one occasion that he is extremely picky so I should feel lucky that he chose me. Evidently, I don’t seem thrilled enough that he, who could have any woman he wanted, has his heart set on me. Point taken, I guess, that he doesn’t feel appreciated.

But still there’s the depression issue. He told me that he doesn’t believe in depression. He eventually amended this to say that he does believe in its existence but he thinks it’s over diagnosed and lazily treated with medication. I somewhat agree with that, but he spent a large amount of time telling me that I should just be happy. As though, I can just smile and the sickness will magically go away.

I was lying in bed while he was saying this and feeling a dull pain in my stomach from trying to suppress the crying. It reminded me of what Dirk said to me a couple of months ago. Or what my parents used to say to me ten years ago—my mom not understanding how someone can just feel empty and my dad wishing desperately for me to be normal.

In fact, Chris even said that last night. “Be normal,” he said. “Be a normal human being.” And he told me that people like him because he’s a happy person and they would like me too if I were happy.

This argument began because we were talking on the phone and I wasn’t answering him fast enough. I also wasn’t talkative enough. I keep trying to tell him that I am a quiet person and, yes, sometimes I get sad. If he finds that frustrating or boring or some other unpleasant thing, then it doesn’t bode well for us but he insists that he likes me so much and he thinks that being critical towards me is treating me like an adult and that it might also inspire me to improve myself. He doesn’t think that anyone deserves to be loved for what they are. He thinks that people should always be working on themselves.

I have mixed feelings about a lot of this. I think it’s great to aspire to be a better person and to work towards a goal, but I don’t understand what he’s trying to accomplish with me. Does he think he can bully me into being a better person? Does he look at my weak personality and think I could be easily molded?

Also, I don’t like that he thinks my depression could be so easily remedied and that he seems to have no tolerance for it. The only saving grace here may be that he was really damn irritated by his computer and network problems and not by me and that he was saying a lot of things that he regrets. Otherwise, it seems an unwise decision to enter into a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t understand some of the most integral parts of me. I feel blindsided by his thoughts on depression. I wonder what else he hasn’t told me.